Becoming an Ex Yo-Yo Dieter

Where To Start? (not ready to publish these pounds - eek!)

2012-01-24T19:19:00.000+03:00

I've started so many posts in my head, but then I get side-tracked...next thing you know, it's been a month or more since publishing anything. Sheesh.

Might as well come right out and say it...I fell off the wagon big-time with eating, exercise, and well, with life in general. (In fact, the wagon may have run over me.) Part of me feels ashamed of this, and the more compassionate part of me shrugs my shoulders and says, "No one's perfect. Sh*t happens. I'm doing the best I can." There have been a number of factors contributing to my downward (upward?) spiral - now that I have a handle on them, I'm ready to start - again.

Life goes on. I'm back to eating properly, exercising, and taking better care of myself. This is the most alive/awake/present I've felt in months and months - probably since last April or so.

There will be more to come about all of that.

Thanks for all the wonderful comments and messages inquiring where I am and if I'm okay! It's been a bumpy road for a while, but whaddya know - I'm still here, clawing my way along.

Sometimes I might be crawling, sometimes clawing, sometimes walking, occasionally sprinting, and often taking unexpected detours....but I will never ever quit moving forward.

Doing Fine! (? lbs...but doing okay)

2011-12-14T20:49:00.000+03:00

My lack of posting is probably killing my blog...

This is just a quick update to say I'm still just fine, maintaining my weight (maybe even losing a few pounds?), and I'm back in Florida for a while. Yippee!!!

I promise to come back on a more regular posting basis in January.

In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. See you in the New Year (if not before)!!!

xo Debbie

PS I still do a lot of blog reading, but I've somehow slipped into lurker-mode for the most part. How did that happen?

Where I've Been...(? lbs)

2011-11-22T17:48:00.000+03:00

Where have I been? Taking an unintended break from blogging (among others things).
Do that mean I've spun off out of control into bingeing? Surprisingly, no! I've been working on simply eating in an intuitive way (eat what appeals to me when hungry, without distraction, stopping when full). So far, so good... For example, one day last week I was in the middle of eating a protein bar, I decided I'd had enough, so I put it down, unfinished. I went back to the wrapper about an hour later, realizing I'd left an uneaten piece in the wrapper. I'd forgotten about the uneaten piece. Moments like that give me hope - sometimes, even for a while, my preoccupation with food disappears effortlessly. Small miracles.

I've taken a little break from weighing, more so just to cut myself some slack of being "on-track" or "off-track"...I'm just letting myself be. My clothes feel somewhat looser - that is nice (not to mention, more comfortable). Don't get me wrong...I am still staying accountable to myself. Yet, right now, my measures of success are more in what I'm choosing to eat and how I feel. What I'm doing feels right, and the number on the scale can't reflect all of that.

I've been treating myself well, and a large part of that has been cutting out stuff I feel I should do. On that list? Russian class. Doing favors for other people who never return the favors. Baking all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to impress people. Overcommitting myself. I had to simplify things and really look at what is best for me and my family...apart from that, if I don't enjoy it, out it goes. At least for now. Why waste my time forcing myself to do things I don't have to or want to do???
And you know...doing less of all that for a while has helped a great deal. I'm focusing on doing things that make me feel good inside. It's working - my outlook has improved immensely.

So what have I been doing? Taking time to read (right now, it's "The Drama of the Gifted Child"). Lighting my favorite scented candles ("Fall Festival" from Yankee Candle...which I brought back from the US. Yummy...) Decorating for Christmas. Meeting with friends for coffee. Making crafts with my kids. Watching old movies ("On the Waterfront", "Citizen Kane", "The French Connection"). Plain, old utterly unproductive fun stuff. Happy stuff.

The missing link? Exercise...I'm getting there...but I am not ready to push myself. I am taking a break from pushing myself too far. Nothing good comes of that after a while - not fun.
In a nutshell, I've slowed down and I'm taking time to enjoy very simple things. Funnily enough, when I cut out all the distractions and "noise", my eating just falls into place. It might not be Thanksgiving yet, and heck, I'm not even American, but I am definitely thankful lately.

The Cloud Has Lifted (178 lbs)

2011-11-07T17:58:00.000+03:00

Hello there! I'm back in Russia again, after a lovely trip to Canada (with a dip down to Florida as well). Overall, I'd say I did quite well during the trip eating-wise...I tried my best to take advantage of the wonderful availability of fresh fruit and vegetables. In the end, I came back weighing pretty much the same as when I left. Yay me!

Jet lag aside, I feel SO much more like myself. My appetite seems to be dialed down and I don't feel as gloomy as when I left. Amazing what being in familiar surroundings will do...

I've had some thoughts about starting the 30 Day Shred again...I have a little over 30 days until I go back to Florida (for a nice long Christmas break). So it would work out well for timing. The nice thing about the 30DS is that it's effective but not time-consuming - and a DVD that takes less than 30 minutes? Well, there's really no excuse for not doing it. (Well, except jet lag, but that should be over in a day or two. Then I will have no excuse.)

As for getting myself back on my to-do list (and putting myself high on that list of priorities), I've gained a bit of perspective now that I've been out of the daily grind of life in Russia for a couple of weeks. I can see now that I was letting everything have the same level of priority - I was trying to do it all, and well, that just doesn't work. Moreover, I was trying to please everyone...in theory, I know that's not possible. Yet, I'd let myself get sucked into that people-pleasing mode again. There's no such thing as pleasing everyone - I pay a very high price every time I try to do so. And that's no good.

Now that I've pulled myself out of that whirlpool, I much more peaceful and in control of my life. Taking back the reins feels good. Now I just have to keep moving forward. And start Shredding.

The Simple THings (? - no scale)

2011-10-26T15:25:00.000+03:00

Still happy...! (Oh, how the heck can I get out of Russia? I agreed to 5 years in total, and I'm committed to holding up my end of the deal...this is the third year...) But let me just get this out: It is killing me.

Moving on...the kids and I spent a lovely day yesterday just hanging out - we went to a park we used to frequent when they were much younger. We had a long lunch at a casual breakfast-y/brunch type restaurant (Chez Cora), where we all had fun drawing on the backs of the paper placemats with crayons. Pumpkins, witches, ghosts. Bubble-writing. For all the electronic gadgets my kids possess, they seemed to enjoy drawing together much more. (And I'm no artist...but they seem to think I'm talented - I'm grateful that at 8 and 10, they're still at the ages where they think I'm good at something. Ha!)

Today we go back to the Russian consulate -gah - even in Canada, that place is very Russian. No desire to hang out there. At. All.

And I get my laser hair removal today - a big event in my world! :)

Eating has been pretty good - it's pleasant to have fresh food all around. I have indulged in a couple of non-fat Spiced Pumpkin Latte's from Starbucks - yummmy and filling. (It figures...they've finally opened a new Starbucks around the corner from where I used to live, now that I've moved away...)

The sun is shining. The air is clean. I can go wherever I want without fear of being followed, stepping in globs of saliva on the sidewalk (another disgusting feature of life in Russia), or threat of wild dogs. You know, the basics...

Life is good :)

Home Again (?lbs - no scale)

2011-10-24T13:25:00.000+03:00

Off to the Russian consulate today in Montreal...even when I'm in Canada, I'm still going to "Russia". Grrrrr!

I had a wonderful visit with a good friend of mine yesterday - I already feel so much more like myself. So far, I haven't felt a need to go to Tim Hortons (donut mecca of Canada) whatsoever...that alone gives me hope. Before returning to our hotel last night, I stopped at the grocery store and bought bananas, yogurt, popcorn, and water. No crap (like Aero bars, Smarties, KitKats, and endless Halloween candy) - I saw it and I didn't want it.

I tried Baked Ketchup Lays chips with my Subway meal for dinner (no cookie - didn't want it)...I don't think I'll be havings those chips again. Ew.

Nothing like being in your home country...It makes it easier for me to remember who I am.

Happy, happy, happy!

"Should'ing All Over Myself"? (175lbs)

2011-10-20T14:10:00.000+03:00

Well, well - two days in a row of posts! This feels like I'm getting back into my own skin again.

It's a beautiful sunny day here in Moscow...quite the opposite of the weather we've been having here lately (dark, dreary, cold, rainy, and blustery). Sitting here in the sunshine has made me realize what a huge impact the weather has on my mood.  Even Russia has nice days sometimes - who knew?

For whatever reason, this type of day makes me feel optimistic.  A few days ago, I just couldn't seem to get out of my own way - everything seemed like an enormous mountain to climb. Now I feel peaceful and relaxed. It makes me wonder if my hormones are going a little too haywire these days (as in 'a constant state of PMS'?).

One thing is certain: I am my own worst enemy. Judgemental...critical...pressuring myself to be productive. No one else has been harping on what I should be doing or how I should be eating...just me. As that saying goes, I'd gotten really good at "should'ing all over myself".

Today I don't feel any "shoulds"...it's a relief to take that pressure off myself. The weird thing is that I didn't realize how much I'd been badgering myself to do-do-do and go-go-go until I just suddenly stopped. How is it that I let myself get so tightly wound up about so many inconsequential tiny details? The big picture had disappeared for quite a while...and now, quietly sitting here in the sun has brought the big picture back into focus.

Yesterday and today, I managed to get a lot of little things off my to-do lists and it feels great to just sit and blog. No pressure...no "have-to"...I just want to for fun. (Fun?  What's that?)

Unlike yesterday, there's no clawing today - just sitting in the sun and (dare I say it?)...purring. (Okay, enough with the cat analogy.)

I know it sounds like I've gone completely mad. But at least I'm happy this way. :)

Still Clawing My Way Back (176lbs)

2011-10-19T15:51:00.000+03:00

Yep, I've been MIA...here on my blog and yes, I tripped up again. I can list a litany of excuses...but there's no point in that. Trip, fall down, get up again...

I'm here today - that's all that matters. It's become clear that my priorities are still mixed up, so I need to straighten myself out.

The first on the list: Although I like baking, I need to stop for a while. Too much of it is finding its way into my own mouth instead of going out the door. Last year, it wasn't a problem for me to bypass it all - now it's more difficult. Why put so much temptation in my own path? It's not working...so I need to stop.

A renewed source of motivation? The "Biggest Loser". I have about three weeks' worth of episodes saved up to watch...I know they do crazy amounts of exercise and they have tons of support - medical, nutritional, physical, and psychological. Yet, they're facing what seems to be insurmountable challenges. They persevere. They get out there and do it. Just seeing them doing it makes me want to do it, too.

This weekend I'm flying back to Canada with the kids for a few days...and then to Florida for a few more. I can't wait to get out of Russia! I'm hoping this trip will jolt me back into my own skin.

Time to surround myself with people and things that are healthy for me.

Although my postings on my blog are much more sporadic these days, in my absence I've been trying to claw my way back to myself.

I will get there.

A Quick Hello (174 lbs)

2011-10-06T16:19:00.000+03:00

Three and a half days of clean eating has led to a drop of 3 lbs (although most of it is likely just water...). But, it's not a gain of three pounds, either, so I'll take it.

I'm struggling a little today, but I'm reeling myself back into clean eating right now. There. That's done - I'm all reeled-in again and it didn't even hurt. :)

I promise to post the recipe of the Weight Watcher's Zero Point soup very soon...I haven't forgotten. I'm just very busy doing enormous amounts of baking this week (22 cake pops for my son's 2nd grade class tomorrow - it's his 8th birthday, a giant birthday cake (to feed 75 boys at a Cub Scouts camp-out) for Saturday. And 100 cupcakes for Canadian Thanksgiving on Sunday (at least I get paid for that one...). All from scratch...yeesh. It seemed like a good idea when I made these plans - how easily I forget how time-consuming it is!

A reasonable and logical question: How many cake pops, pieces of birthday cake, and cupcakes have I consumed this week? One small edge of vanilla cake (to make sure the recipe was okay - it's hard to make white cake that doesn't taste entirely buttery), and one small pumpkin cupcake. That's it.

** Patting self on back**

I continue to listen to the meditation/hypnosis/subliminal message recording on my iPod nightly (they ask for you to listen to it 17 days in a row) Considering how much I like it, I think I'll listen to it way after the 17 days are up.

LoriV asked me what the name of the recording is - it's called "Subliminal Hypnosis (For Extreme Weight Loss)" on iTunes. The "extreme weight loss" claim is rather extreme in itself...I just want to relax. If it gives me a few other positive messages along the way about body image and self-control, I'll take it, but that's not why I downloaded it.

I just want to relax - without using food to do it.

Next week, once all this baking is done and all the parties are over, I'll be able to really focus in on starting to exercise more regularly. Step by step...

My Old Friend - WW 0-Point Soup (177lbs)

2011-10-03T15:07:00.000+03:00

Today I am making an old stand-by: Weight Watchers Zero Point Soup. (I think they actually called it something like Garden Vegetable soup, and it's from the old program, but that doesn't change its usefulness...)  Call me crazy, but I like this soup.  In fact, I always had a container of it in my fridge when I did WW about 10 years ago...and at that time, I hit my goal weight AND became a Lifetime member. It's not magic soup, but it sure was a useful "tool" in losing weight.

For the past few days, I've been trying to pinpoint my eating "trouble-spots" - I've come to the realization that lunch has become tricky for me, and if I overdo it at lunchtime, overeating takes over for the rest of the day - obviously not something I want to do day after day. "Winging it" isn't working right now. For the next while, I'm going to make a definite lunch plan every morning - nothing elaborate, just a basic idea of what my lunch will consist of so that I'm not eating on the fly. Having the 0-Point soup ready in the fridge gives me a little more flexibility, and an instant safety net. Breakfast has always been (and continues to be) quite easy...I'm fine with having the same breakfast (or similar breakfasts) every day, whether I've been overeating or eating in a healthy intuitive way.  Water. Banana. Coffee. Cereal (hot or cold) with skim milk. (Way back in my high school days, I ate Cheerios every single morning.)  Happily (perhaps, remarkably?) I've never a problem with breakfast.

Lunch and dinner are completely different. I need variety in those meals.  The main courses must be both filling and satisfying (two different things in my mind). For quite a while (since I've moved to Russia), I could be satisfied and full on high-protein items in fairly small portions (ham, chicken, eggs, cheese) with some veggies and nuts. Or salads once or twice a week. Dried or regular fruit, or yogurt, for dessert. More water. Now those lunches don't fill me up - I don't know why. Or I have difficulty waiting until my brain registers that I've eaten and I'm full - so I overeat and then feel overstuffed and miserable. (Maybe it's time to get out my timer again?) Having some vegetable soup with lunch a few days a week will help with both satiety and fullness - this I know from experience.

So today, my focus is getting some better choices back into the middle of my day. In fact, if I really think about when my biggest "binge danger zone" occurs, it's between 12-5 pm. Morning is okay. If I've planned dinner (which I usually do, since I have to feed my family every night anyway), then dinnertime onward is usually manageable, too. Can I take care of myself a little more carefully between 12-5pm? Absolutely. Right now, it's 3:45pm - so far, so good.

*************************

I've been listening to the guided meditation/subliminal message recording on my iPod every night before I go to bed. It's very odd...there have been times when I know I haven't been asleep, but yet I haven't been fully conscious, either. Perhaps it's related to the time of day (night) that I'm listening to it, or maybe, just maybe, it's actually having an effect on my brain...I can't be sure.

What I do know is that my mind is somewhere else, and then about 30 seconds before the recording is over, I suddenly become self-aware and semi-awake again (this has happened the same way at least the last 4-5 times I've listened to it). This afternoon, I listened to the recording again, just to see if I felt any different doing so in the daytime...nope. The same effect - deeply relaxed and then suddenly I hear something to make me gradually feel more awake again. It's very weird!

As a small point of interest, Mr. Debbie listened to it one night (and he is a much bigger skeptic than I am) - now he wants to listen to it, too, as he's falling asleep (I think he just found it relaxing, which is exactly the point of listening to it anyway).

Either way, I find myself looking forward to my "meditation" time. Overall, I do feel more relaxed throughout the day - I don't feel as anxious or find myself overthinking little things that are bothering me. There just might be something to this meditation thing...I don't care if it has has any direct impact on my weight. There is no "magic pill" - fewer calories in and more energy expended is what causes weight loss. However, when I think about what causes me to overeat...well, after all this time (years) of "just wanting to relax", I may have found something that accomplishes exactly that.

The experiment continues...

Just Relax...(177 lbs)

2011-09-28T15:43:00.000+03:00

Yesterday, Lori's blog post about Paul McKenna and weight loss hypnosis got me thinking...

I'll admit it, I don't necessarily believe in hypnosis - I'm a bit of a cynic when it comes to stuff like that...years ago I went to see Reveen (a hypnotist who used to tour Canada doing live shows) and he had absolutely no effect on me.

However, I do believe my weight struggles and eating problem have firm roots in my brain - what I tell myself, how I react to stressors, and the formation/perpetuation of habits (good and bad...and ugly). I've often wished I could just switch off my brain for a while, just to put the brakes on my emotional overeating, or re-program my reactions to stress. It's been scientifically shown that changing behaviours is actually accomplished by re-wiring the circuitry in your brain, so that new neural pathways are established. So overeating?...it's all about what's happening in my head.

What does all that have to do with hypnosis? I started thinking about all of my negative self-talk and the resultant physical/chemical reactions in my body. I also started thinking about how I often want to numb myself with food because I think I can't handle the stress of everything...even little stuff is getting to me lately. I thought of how often I've though "I just want to relax"...and then I got it. Hey...guided meditation...relaxation and even hypnosis (!) from an audiobook? Could it help? I've tried meditation a few times on my own using books from the library, but every time I've tried it, I've fallen asleep or gotten too distracted with other thoughts.  Staying focused was really tough. But listening to an audiobook with headphones, on my iPod? It might be worth a try.

After listening to a few samples of different recordings in the iTunes Store (I love that feature), I picked a soothing one intended for weight loss. It sounds like rain and intermittent soft, bell-like chimes (or gongs?) - not too new-age and not too much talking. (Okay, it was a bit of a climb out on the looney-bin limb because the one I chose also supposedly contained subliminal messages, too - sort of creepy, yet intriguing. I know, I know, but I figured, why not go way out there and try something completely different?)    Admittedly, as I put on my headphones, I felt a little like I was about to enter a cult or smoke drugs or something...I didn't know what effect it was going to have on me. Filled with skepticism and trepidation, I hit play.

Forty minutes later, it was over, and I felt...serene. Calm. At times while I'd been listening to it, my mind wandered away to other things, but for the most part, I felt so deeply relaxed that I couldn't move or open my eyes. I think I was awake for it all, but I can't be sure.

What I do know is that I felt really calm long afterwards; the feeling lasted for the rest of the evening.  There were no insatiable cravings to feed. Mr. Debbie had brought back Smarties from London for the kids, and I was able to stop myself from secretly diving into the bags, deciding I didn't need the chocolate (and lately, well, I've "needed" chocolate quite a lot).

Even this morning, I don't have a desire to start bingeing. I just feel, well, calm...normal in my own skin.

As for the hypnosis thing - I'm still skeptical about that and even more so about the efficacy of subliminal messages (it makes me think of people playing Beatles' records backwards to hear hidden evil messages...a little cuckoo). But guided meditation? Finding a new way to relax without numbing myself with food?  I'm all for it.

"I just want to relax" - I don't know how many times I've told myself those exact words right before bingeing, thinking it was the only way I knew how to relax. But maybe I've stumbled upon a new way to unwind without chemically altering myself with food.  Maybe it sounds like hocus-pocus, but I can't wait to try it again today.

Meditation is what lots of normal, healthy people do to cope with stress - a time set aside to "zone out". Funny, zoning out is exactly what I've been trying to do all along, through overeating...something tells me guided meditation is a healthier way to go.

Swirling (175 lbs)

2011-09-26T15:59:00.000+03:00

Wow! Thanks for all the feedback I received about my "reward purse" dilemma - I appreciate all the thoughts you shared.

I remain torn about it (and luckily, even though they have Louis Vuitton in Moscow, I'd never buy the purse here - the price is even higher here than it is in the US...too much vs. much too much). So there's no danger of an impulse-shopping trip for now. And like the sentiment of Heidi's comment, I'd hate to look at the bag and feel disappointment in myself for not making it all the way...(Just in case you were wondering, normally I'm a very thrifty (read: cheap) person. I have a fascination with thrift stores and garage sales. So getting a LV handbag would be very unusual, as in once in a lifetime type of purchase.)

I received an indirect message from Karen Koenig (author of "The Rules of Normal Eating" and "Nice Girls Finish Fat") about buying the purse now, in which she discussed "external rewards". It seems my mistake was setting the purse as a goal/reward in the first place, instead of simply reaching for internal rewards, such as feeling pride and happiness in myself once I get to where I'm going.

Hard to undo this one, once you set a reward like this...yet, not an earth-shattering decision - there are much worse things in the world than my predicament. I know I'm lucky to have such "problems"!

So...don't you just want to shake me and say "Snap out of it, woman!"?   If I could grab my own shoulders and shake myself, I think I would at this point. (No, I know I would.)  In my head, I'm yelling at myself daily, "Why the heck don't you just do it, then? Lose the weight, get the purse, and shut up about it...and don't set anymore external rewards! Just get on with it!!!"

It's clear I'm still avoiding myself. I have "The Biggest Loser" DVR'ed from last week and I've avoided watching it.  I know what will happen when I watch it - the truth of what I've been doing to myself will be reflected right back to me, how I'm not being real. I have a journal that I write in occasionally to let everything out (stuff that can't be put on a blog)...and yet, I can't bring myself to even write in that. You see, in order to write my feelings down, I know I have to examine them, and to some degree, feel them. And I don't want to feel them. I'm avoiding feeling the feelings. So nonsensical...

Having written that, I do feel that if I start to process all the difficult stuff, I won't be able to handle it, that there'll be nothing to grab onto as an anchor of hope. That is what's stopping me. I know, I make it sound so awful and dramatic...and yet, that's how I feel.  So hiding is what I'm doing.

I used to be able to tell myself I'd be okay no matter what, that I had an internal anchor - I could depend on myself. Now I'm not so sure that anchor is still in there. Scary as hell. It feels like falling and falling and falling.  Swirling in this mess of messed-up eating.

Getting What I Deserve? (175 lbs)

2011-09-22T16:05:00.000+03:00

So that's one pound gone...and that's great because that's how it comes off, one pound at a time. *Patting self on the back.*

Yesterday was a clean eating day - I haven't had one like that in a very long while. Finally (finally!), I just didn't feel like eating - the food didn't hold the promise of a magic fix. It was just there.

It seems sort of messed up to be happy about not wanting to eat, yet it feels like a glimpse into the life of a normal eater. I imagine normal eaters to eat what appeals to them, having a moderate portion, stopping when full, and then getting on with their day's activities. The food is just a means to fuel the person for their day.

In contrast, a disordered eater like me plans the day around food. Food is the focus, and eating is an activity...even a highlight. Living life or overeating - very all-or-nothing. I'm not sure there's any gray area on this one - I'm either engaged in life or not. Perhaps the first acceptable example I've found of something "all-or-nothing"?

*******************

For a very long time (two years), I've been promising myself a Louis Vuitton purse when I hit my goal weight. And two years later...I made it down to within 15 lbs or so of my goal weight, only to put on pounds again...and no purse.

Last night, I was having trouble sleeping. In the middle of the night, I was lying there, thinking about that purse and my philosophy surrounding it. For most other aspects of weight loss, I'm a huge proponent of living in the moment. I figure the more I treat myself nicely now, taking care of myself in the very best way I can right now, the less likely I'll be trying to nurture myself with food. Holding out for the purse until I reach my goal weight doesn't exactly fit with this philosophy; it's something I haven't questioned - until now.

Another related thought occurred to me - I'm always saying "yes" to everyone else and "no" to myself...except when it comes to food. Food is a big silent "YES", as an attempt to make up for 99% of all the other stuff I deny myself. In my screwed-up thinking, I convince myself I'm somehow compensating for all the "no's". "I can't do X, Y, or Z, but dammit, I'm going to eat whatever I want and however much I want." Rebellious eating. It sounds so crazy in writing, but this is how my thought process works.

So, back to the purse...it occurred to me that perhaps having the purse as a "goal weight present" to myself makes no sense. It may be much more helpful to have the purse now. (Okay, I know it sounds like I just want to get the purse because I can't get to goal...but hear me out...) Getting to goal weight will be a gift in itself. I won't be any more deserving of such a luxury simply because my weight is lower, and truthfully, for me the hardest work is at the beginning and during the process.

I've never been able to splurge on myself when I'm fat (well, with anything except for food...I'm really good at splurging on food...).  When I'm fat, I feel like I don't deserve whatever it is I want. I feel as though I have to earn the right to have such an expensive item. If I'm not at a healthy weight, I feel as though I don't deserve it. And perhaps that kind of thinking is exactly what keeps me fat...and what makes me gain the weight back even when I've gotten to goal. The saddest thing is, when I really think about it, even at goal weight, I've felt like an impostor and undeserving of things I'd promised myself.  The extra weight was gone, but I hadn't fixed the inside of my head - stuff that has nothing to do with food.

Something that's easy to say, but hard to put into practice? I need to learn to feel deserving of something special simply because, like everyone else, I am here in this world. In fact, I probably need to show myself I deserve it more right now, just as I am, warts, fat, and all.

I've been trying for two years to get this purse...I even have some money put aside for it. Perhaps I need to think about it a little bit more, but something tells me I need to think about this process a little differently. Treating myself as though I deserve the best may actually get me in the habit of saying yes to myself in all sorts of other ways.

Once again, of course, it's not really about the food at all, and other than health and (admittedly) some vanity reasons, it's not even about the weight.

It's about my brain - tangled-up thought patterns and feelings.  That stuff is more difficult to change...but not impossible.

Small Decisions, Big Consequences (176 lbs)

2011-09-19T15:09:00.000+03:00

That's a big gain...See? I told you I've been eating a lot...not horrible stuff, just large quantities. Large quantities = large Debbie. Enough!

Admittedly, I was fearful about walking (walking!) on the treadmill for 30 minutes this morning...procrastination. Then I was bargaining with myself while trying to distract myself. Excuse after excuse trickled into my brain - deep down, I knew it was all bullshit. So I took a few seconds to check in on my emotions.  Okay, I realized I was scared - but scared of what? Falling down? No. Failing? No. Getting overheated? Embarrassing myself? Pain? Exhaustion? What? What???? There was no answer. It hit me - there was nothing to be afraid of.

So I went. I walked. Nothing bad happened. A lot of fear and hype over nothing. (The self-tortured debate I had with myself before I went - going vs. not going - was much worse than any part of the workout itself.)

As a bonus, I was pleasantly surprised to find they'd enlarged the exercise/weight room (it's in my kids' school) - so it was the same yet different. Better air circulation (yippee for that one!) and more space.

In hindsight, the thing I think I was fearing most was taking the first step out of my la-la land of comfort eating. Getting on the scale and getting on the treadmill today both signified getting out of denial and getting real.  Finally facing reality is scary when you've been hiding from it for quite a while.

But I'll claw my way back - I know it's all in the small decisions I'm faced with over and over all day.  What it comes down to for me is this: I can choose emotional overeating or choose life.

Numbing myself with food is not living. I'm ready.

Facing Reality (but avoiding scale...)

2011-09-16T13:41:00.000+03:00

Whewwww - it feels so nice to be able to breathe! I'm 80% back to normal - yay!

What's not good? My weight. My lack of exercise. I feel the fat, lumpy and tight, back on my mid-section. I am literally in my own way.

I'm avoiding myself, avoiding having that all-important inner dialogue with myself. I've slipped back into autopilot mode, simultaneously loathing it while finding comfort in it, too. My willingness to work on my eating problem has waned. After years of battling this, I'm just so weary of it. I'm sick of food and weight being such a big issue...wishing will never make it go away.

I know, it's crazy to allow myself to stay stuck. Yet, thinking about the energy I must summon to start again - just thinking about it makes me tired. Drained...

I try to imagine what I would feel if I suddenly stripped the comfort of the food away - what would I feel? What am I hiding from?

(Some minutes of thinking.....) Hmmmm....Aha! Here's something big (and oddly, something I was oblivious to): I've sunk to the bottom of the priority list yet again. Family stuff, work stuff, school stuff, helping other people...help, help, help - everyone but me! Room parent meetings coming before exercise. Taking other people around Moscow when I should have been home in bed. Focusing on what I can bake for guests coming to our house instead of taking the time to carefully plan what I should have been eating to make me better, faster. The me-time I set aside gets eaten away by all the little things that everyone else needs. Everyone needs me-time. It's interesting that some of us feel as though we have to apologize for it, while for others, it's a fait accompli, just the same as the right to breathe in and out. And yes, many times it's easier to just do what others are asking than to look inside ourselves and fight (yes, fight!) for what we want. "Go along to get along"...it only works for so long.

Want to know something I've noticed? When I'm in overeating autopilot, I hardly ever cry. Rather disturbing, and ironically sad in its own way. A giant warning sign that inside, I'm shut off. No need to cry when I'm numb...in the moment, I pretend to myself that emotionally overeating doesn't matter - that somehow, in some parallel universe, it's not real. Who am I kidding? Oh, it's real all right...I just don't want to believe it.

I get it. I get it. How do I know I've struck on something with this not-on-the-priority-list business? Because after typing this out and thinking it through a little, starting again suddenly doesn't seem so insurmountable. Finally, finally, I've sat with myself long enough to feel something and to face reality.

Getting back on the scale will be the next big step.  After that, I need to (want to) get back on the treadmill, if for nothing else, to motivate me and feel physically better (something that I always "forget"). Too tired to exercise? Not exercising makes me feel more tired (something else I need to remember).

I'm sick of myself this half-alive way. Quit talking about it and just do it. Enough already. Shut up and do it.

Okay, This Is Not Normal...(?lbs)

2011-09-14T18:29:00.000+03:00

Well, this has become ridiculous at this point...I am officially still sick. Runny nose - so runny I've had to keep tissues stuck up my nose. I had a brief phase on the weekend of feeling quite good - I thought I was all better - and I thought wrong! If I feel the same tomorrow, I will go to the doctor.

In a couple of weeks, my kids' school will start giving flu shots to any parent who wants one - enough of this crap - bring on the flu shot! (The downside? I have to be free of cold and flu symptoms to get it. We shall see...)

It may sound like a giant excuse, but I am absolutely not on track with eating in a low-calorie way or exercising. I'm just trying to feel better, as in "well enough to walk around the block a couple of times". I'm just not there yet. Some days (many days), I haven't felt up to cooking much, and salad just doesn't hold appeal when I'm sick. Yet, I've made an effort to make chicken soup and stew and a pot roast (with roasted veggies). I baked a chicken with stuffing, with vegetables on the side. Last week I made a giant batch of bran muffins with dried cranberries in them. I've been taking my vitamins. Resting...

Good Lord, I've been back here for almost a month, and I haven't felt like myself yet...sheesh. When will it end??????

On the upside, I'm completely up-to-date on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and New Jersey). I've been slowly (very slowly) been getting my house re-organized/clean, and getting the kids signed up for their various activities (my 10-year old daughter has decided she wants to play the trumpet this year - I don't think my ears are ready for that. But at least it's not the bagpipes!)

Finally, I've been helping a young American mother (her baby is only 5 months old) get adjusted to living in Moscow. Although her husband has been here for a few months, she just moved here from London 3 weeks ago. Her husband works long hours and she doesn't have access to a car (except taxis). Believe me, this is a big deal when you live in this city. I've taken her to two grocery stores and showed her what is available (and lamenting what is not available - like normal yellow mustard, normal cereal, or hot dog buns). I think she's beginning to wonder, "Oh, what have I done in moving here?" Moving to Moscow is a little (okay, a lot) like the grieving process: shock and denial, pain, anger, depression, reconstruction/working through it, and finally...acceptance.

Spending time with this woman has reminded me of all the adjustments I've made in the past two years, in an attempt to carve out a semi-normal existence as an expat in Russia. It made me ponder all of the things I've learned (like how I can now read most Russian food names - yay!) and how I've adapted to a very unfamiliar culture. I've gone from getting very riled up at certain situations (like when the food in a restaurant is inedible, yet they still expect you to pay for it)...to now expecting stuff like that on a daily basis, so that now I'm actually surprised when things go well. For the most part, now I can shrug my shoulders when things go askew, and say, "This is Russia." Sometimes I can even smile when I say it!

So now I can see the familiar look of shock and denial on my new friend's face...as I find myself, surprisingly, mostly in the acceptance phase. (Yes, I do go back to the depression/reconstruction phases, too.) That being said, I don't think I'll ever be completely okay with living in Russia - that's just how it is.

Right now, please, oh please, I just want to be healthy!

STILL Sick (? lbs)

2011-09-08T19:14:00.000+03:00

I'm still sick (bad head-cold)...going on three weeks of this crap now. I've probably prolonged my illness by trying to push on through and get stuff done instead of resting, but you know how it goes.

This morning I had to go to my kids' school to take care of a couple of things (my son is having trouble adjusting to his new teacher, and I had to bring over more bakery stuff for yet another welcome coffee). But by 8:45 I was back in the house and back in bed, where I stayed until 3:30pm. I would have stayed there longer except the kids were coming home from school.

Tomorrow I have a few little things to do, but the main plan is to rest again. It's starting to dawn on me that if I don't slow down and take this time to get better, I'll continue to pay the price.

I've been forced into basic survival mode until I start feeling better. I'm so sick of being sick!

The Adventure Continues (168 lbs)

2011-09-05T15:52:00.000+03:00

A big red flashing sign that I'm run down? After a very long and fortuitous length of time not being sick, I have been struck down again - twice in one week. The last flu was much worse (dead, dead tired), but it's still annoying to now have a head cold. (Enough! Stop!) Mr. Debbie wonders when I'm going to get "into my groove again" - yeah, well first I have to dig myself out of this giant rut I'm in. I'll get there...first step: to get rid of all sickness.

There is no Labour Day in Russia - business as usual. This morning I was looking at the people in a public bus next to me (from the comfort of my car) - always interesting. Some people were reading newspapers or novels, some were asleep, and some were just glumly staring straight ahead. I notice that the younger, post-Soviet generation tend to smile much more easily. It's nice to see (the older people tend to wear a blank, mask-like expression in public, which is sort of scary to me. They probably had to do that to stay out of trouble during Communist times, since attracting any sort of attention to yourself would not be a good thing back then. Even now, it's probably not advisable.) As the bus pulled away from me, I noticed the bus driver lighting up his cigarette - apparently the bus drivers smoke in the buses while driving...ick!

As part of my little bakery job, I had to go to another expat neighbourhood welcome coffee this morning. In the short time I was there, I heard a terrifying story from an american lady who works for a big oil and gas company here. Late last week, about 20 camouflaged men stormed into their office carrying automatic rifles and raided their offices of all their computers! At gunpoint. Oh Lordy...where do I live??? She said it's been a "character-building" experience. Holy. Crap. For me, I think that would be a job-ending experience.

On a much lighter note, I made my very first apple pie from scratch this past weekend for some lovely americans who've just moved here from London with their 5-month old baby. I don't think I'll be telling them that story quite yet.

Welcome to Moscow!

More Tense With Less Food? (166 lbs)

2011-09-01T16:16:00.000+03:00

Today I can only manage a short post. Things continue to be quite hectic around here!

Yesterday was a clean-eating day, I am quite proud to say. Right now, I have fresh delicious cupcakes and giant cookies in my kitchen cupboards, cheesecakes of various flavours in my freezer, and two dozen giant bagels with cream cheese in the fridge. (They're for my bakery marketing job, so I have to bring them to a school coffee tomorrow.)

I could be tempted by them. Normally, I would be tempted by them. But not today - today they're just objects I'll bring to the school to feed to other people. I love it when I don't obsess about food. It makes me feel normal.

Last night, for whatever reason, I had a horribly terrifying dream that a creepy stranger was torturing me...I woke up right before he was about to smother me to death. It took me a good half-hour to calm down and realize it wasn't real. What is my sub-conscious trying to tell me with this??? I hope tonight is not a repeat.

Here's something I notice when I'm not self-medicating with food: I tend to feel many more aches and pains in my body, particularly in my shoulders, neck, and jaws. Tension. It makes me think that I've often used food to physically relax...and with less food intake, I feel much more tense. Taking lots of Advil on a long-term basis is not the answer. Apart from doing more exercise and relaxation techniques, I wonder if anyone else has any tips or has noticed this phenomenon in themselves?

Back to cleaning up the chaos of my house...

Cleaning up (167 lbs)

2011-08-31T16:27:00.001+03:00

Yep, you read that right. 167...there was a lot of night-time comfort-seeking eating at the tail-end of the summer, in a senseless attempt to ready myself for the return to Russia. I knew I would pay the price and I didn't even feel good as I was eating the Cheetos/ice cream. Alarmingly and sadly, it was effective in causing me to fall asleep (more like pass out), which I suppose is the ultimate in self-numbing (you can't be any more numb than if you are unconscious). It scares me that I re-discovered that aspect of bingeing...predictably, I would fall asleep a while after eating a pile of crap...and found myself using (abusing) food for that effect. Addiction jumped up and grabbed me, just when I thought I was getting somewhere in this maze of ending my overeating ways. Funny how that seems to be a pattern - when I think I'm making progress (and say so), I get pulled under again. Huh.

Having said all of that, does that give me an excuse to stay stuck in this self-destruction? Absolutely not.

I am starting again. I will re-start a million times or more, if that's what it takes to beat this crazy eating disorder. I will never give up. Never.

So here I am, back in Russia with my upside-down eating habits and back in my upside-down house. (Mr. Debbie was on his own in the house for two months...things are, well, *ahem* a little different than how I left them. I don't blame the man - he tried his best to keep up with it all - but now it's time for a major clean-up.)

There is a film of grimy dust on most things - one of the lovely features of living in Moscow...if you open the windows (or perhaps even if you don't), the pollution in the air finds its way in and onto all your stuff. Some of my friends covered their clothes hanging in the closets for the summer - I wish I'd done that, too. Although cleaning ladies are relatively inexpensive here (about $6-$8/hr), the whole house needs a complete in-depth cleaning in all the nooks and crannies. That means moving furniture around and re-organizing every room, finding new storage areas and sorting out old papers. Figuring out what clothing still fits the kids and what needs to be given away. Unfortunately, I can't pay someone to do those things, so it's up to me. Not that I really mind the job, but it's slowwww going.

I think there's enough dust and fluffy stuff under my bed to fill a whole other duvet. Ewww.

Also on the cleaning front: my eating. I find myself wanting sugar (it's detox time again) and baked goods (luckily, anything appetizing isn't readily available in my fair city). Yesterday, I found myself feeling discouraged about the weight I've gained back, but quickly reminded myself (many times over throughout the day) that that type of thinking will keep me stuck. Eating changes. Mental changes.

My mantra for the next while is: Just focus on right now. Am I doing/eating what I should right now? If the answer is "yes", then that's good enough. If the answer is "no", then I need to do what's required to make it a "yes", immediately. A million little choices (and they are choices) all day, every day. That is what brings success. That is what helps to make me feel better. Keeping myself focused on the present moment is the key.

The beginning, the first few days, of starting over are always the hardest. Stopping myself over and over from mindlessly reaching for food when I'm not physically hungry. Recognizing my hunger is usually tied to my emotions, and that if I just stop to pay attention, I'm really not actually hungry at all.

Time to be a grown-up and stop hiding in food. Think of a small child covering her eyes, who believes that the world disappears (or that she disappears) for the short time she can't see anything. Yet, it's all still there - the child and the world around her. Bingeing for me is like that - disappearing into myself while remaining physically present. Here, but not here. I want to be here again, and when you've spent a lot of time trying to be numb, even wanting to be present again is something to celebrate.

Time to open my eyes and face things as they really are. Besides, most things are quite manageable anyway. Sometimes hiding in the dark is much more scary.

Bear With Me...(? - too much lbs)

2011-08-29T18:45:00.000+03:00

So much for getting back into the groove of things. Between jet-lag, the kids starting school, me re-starting my little bakery-promotion job, getting sick, and trying to re-adjust to life in Moscow, well, blogging is just not happening yet.

I have good intentions, but you know where that leads. A little normalcy and predictability would go a long way over the next few days (I spent the entire weekend in bed, sick with some sort of weird virus...still fighting it, but at least I could get out of bed today.)

A few little summer tidbits to share with you in the meantime:
- I saw a pregnant Fantasia Barino in the Charlotte, NC airport, by herself, buying a pizza at the food court.

- I was so proud of myself that I managed to get two bottles of Pimms in London on the way to FL...and I would have picked up some more on the way back...except that they sell Pimms at a liquor store 10 min from my house! Mr. Debbie is going to London for business tomorrow, so perhaps he will be able to get some in the duty-free for me. I hope.

- I got really mad the other day and did something I've never done before: I ~~threw~~ hurled one of my favorite mugs (empty) on the floor. At the moment, I just had an overwhelming need to throw something, and the mug happened to be in my hand. I have no idea if throwing something is a good thing (expressing anger) or a sign I am losing self-control. Part of me of horrified - at my behaviour and for destroying something I really like, and part of me is a little proud.

- My IT band in my injured leg continued to nag at me for most of the summer, even though I wasn't running or even walking with regularity. Maybe the cortisone shot I'd had in the spring finally wore off? It's annoying, but I'm not letting it get me down.

- Moscow seems a little more welcoming this time around...or maybe my attitude has changed? I was expecting the worst, so when things weren't as bad as I imagined, it's been a pleasant surprise. That's not to say I didn't have a tiny pre-flight meltdown in London (crying behind my sunglasses so my kids wouldn't see). But my re-entry into this crazy place wasn't too horrifying. So there's that.

I will try my best to get some order into my life and back into blogging...just bear with me while I attempt to get my life in order.

Back in Russia (weight: uhhh....)

2011-08-19T23:36:00.000+03:00

I am alive and I just arrived back in Moscow.

Let's face it - I'm the world's worst on-vacation blogger. Filled with good intentions, but really crappy on the follow-through.

But I'm here again...vacation is over (booooo), but there is a certain comfort in returning to a normal routine of things (well, at least for a little while). The return to structure feels reassuring...it's striking the fine balance between comfort and confinement that challenges me. (Sounds like dieting - hmmmm? haha)

So, anyhoo...I'm coming back to my blog. Next week, school resumes (WOOHOO)! In the meantime, I've had about 5 hours sleep in the past two days, so it's off to bed for me.

Crossing Over? (160 lbs)

2011-07-27T17:40:00.000+03:00

Oh dear, all my best blogging intentions went in the toilet - this summer is passing by way too fast. Writing my own blog and reading/commenting on other blogs? Way too little. I'm just admit what I already knew...I'm a bad summer blogger. *Tsk, tsk.* At least I'm reliable for fall, winter, and spring, so at least there's that!

During my brief visit to Canada, I'll readily state that my eating was not great...a few times I felt drawn to eating some old favorite binge foods (namely Tim Horton iced cappuccinos and Boston cream donuts), mostly because I knew I wouldn't have that stuff again for a long time. Now, don't get me wrong - I had one iced cappuccino and one donut per day - not exactly a binge by any definition. However, after several days of doing that, I don't feel good physically and combined with everything else I was eating (not horrible, but not always healthy), I feel as though I've abused my body a little too much. Time to get back to my Summer of Salads and cleaner eating habits.

I am so glad I bought a few nice pieces of clothing for myself last week. And none were from the sale rack at Target (an old vice of mine). Yes, they're (I'm) bigger than what my goal is, but it's size 10, for crying out loud. (Geez, I can be hard on myself sometimes!) Allowing myself to buy nice stuff for myself in a size I seem to be maintaining at is just fine. Could this be a glimmer of self-acceptance? "Normal" is all I want...normal weight, normal size, so that I can focus on other parts of my life - it's been a preoccupation for so long. Yes, eating and weight will probably always be issues, yet I find myself worrying about that aspect of my life less and less. Is this progress?

One thing IS progress: In the old days, if I went "off-track" with my eating during a vacation or some other event that changed my routine, once I came back from vacation, I'd have enormous difficulty resuming my routine/better eating habits. The vacation would be finished, but I'd keep right on going with erratic unhealthy eating or escalating to outright daily non-stop bingeing. Now? Not so. I miss eating properly. I feel sickish. I want to take care of myself again now that I'm back home (well, sort of "home", in Florida). The surprising thing is that I'm not forcing myself to get a grip on my poor eating tendencies, it just IS. How weird is that? (Trust me, for me, it is completely new.) I know it is from all the work I've done (and continue to do) on examining why I overeat and how I feel when I overeat vs how I feel when I am caring for myself by eating healthy foods and dealing with uncomfortable emotions head-on. As painstakingly slow as the process has been, this has made a huge difference. It's been worth all this navel-gazing when I am finally feeling this shift from within. It's astonishing to me, really, that I feel different.

Lately, I may not be here on my blog everyday, but I'm still constantly working on my switch to becoming a non-dieter. Could it be that I'm actually seeing and feeling a shift to the ex yo-yo side of life??? And why am I so surprised that I'm not forcing myself to want to take care of myself???

After all these years, is this my new "autopilot"? If so, sign me up!

And now I'm in...Canada! (159 lbs)

2011-07-22T06:31:00.000+03:00

Well, so much for consistent blogging! And this is a very short post, since I'm now actually in Montreal, Canada for a few days to get new passports for me and the kids. Woohoo! It's so great to be in my home country!

A few tidbits:

- my weight is still about the same as when I arrived. Which is a big improvement over last summer, when I gained while I was in the States. I have mostly "normal eating" days, then go off track for a day (not horrendous bingeing, but occasional regrettable indulgences), and then a day or two of much more careful eating to counterbalance the times I overdid it. All that adds up to "maintenance". Since this fabled thing called maintenace has always been my Achilles heel, I'm not torn up about my weight. It may actually be progress by just staying the same...

- it is hotter here in Montreal than it is in southern Florida right now. Wow. Weird.

- I had to buy a few pairs of shorts and a skirt at Ann Taylor Loft the other day...size 10 still fits me just fine. Yes, I know their clothes are generously sized, but I was thrilled nonetheless. The days of shopping in that store two years ago and finding that nothing fit but their accessories is still pretty fresh in my mind. So size 10 is something to celebrate.

Well, I'm off to bed. I will be back again soon...I always come back!

Gratitude for Simple Things (157 lbs)

2011-07-15T16:43:00.000+03:00

Things I Am Thankful For Today:
- air conditioning. Florida in July is very hot and very humid - and mine broke down/had to be replaced a week and a half ago, on the 4th of July weekend. 5 days with no A/C is a long time when you have company.  All I could think was "Lots of people can't afford air conditioning or be in a tropical place that requires air conditioning. I'm damn lucky - I could still be in Russia..."   Perspective.
- legs that work, and a relatively healthy body. Yes, I go back to the urologist today, to be doubly sure I have no more kidney stones lurking in there. I had the pleasure of being sliced and diced by the dermatologist again yesterday.  However, seeing the masses of elderly people who live here in FL, I feel young and lively. There are tons of retirement villages all around - yesterday I had the sobering thought that when you "check-in" to one of those places, there's usually only one way to "check-out"...Sheesh. Carpe diem, my friends, carpe diem!
-  privacy and freedom. In Russia, rumour has it that the housing complex I live in is bugged. (Someone over there is probably reading this blog right now to make sure I'm on the up-and-up - which I am, of course. Whoever has been assigned to me must be bored to tears!) There are security cameras everywhere. I know people who get followed - isn't that creepy? There are guards and security at the most mundane places...everywhere you go, you're watched. Everyone, foreigner or not, is watched. It drives me batty! Here in North America, well, I can just go all sorts of places and just be. At the beach. In a park. In my house. It's really, really nice...I'll never take my freedom for granted.
- palm trees, sunny skies, and fresh air. Admittedly, I even love the rainstorms here - they can be so dramatic - the sky always sounds like it's going to crack open somehow. (I draw the line at any storms that cause damage, however...)

Oh yes, I'm in a weird philosophical state of mind today.

Last night after dinner, I ate giant Wasa multigrain wafers with sundried tomato hummus on them, accompanied by a chilly glass of Riesling while watching the Real Housewives of New York City - it was divine.

Back to My Happy Self (157 lbs)

2011-07-14T23:23:00.000+03:00

I'm back! Did you notice - I didn't have a net gain during the time my sister-in-law was visiting. A BIG victory for me. I had a few days of eating willy-nilly in the middle of their stay (emotional eating), but then pulled myself/my eating together by the end of their visit. As I mentioned in the previous post, I did actually eat a Caesar salad at Disney World - that day was blistering hot. I drank a ton of water, ate a frozen banana mid-morning, and an ice cream sandwich in the afternoon. Since I was so hot, all I wanted was cooler, lighter things to eat/drink, so the salad fit the bill. Somehow, to have gone to Disney without eating a lot of fried junk food feels like a major accomplishment.

What I'm enjoying right now...
- the book "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. She basically takes a year to work on becoming happier. Funnily enough, one of the things she does is start a blog. (Hey, I already have that one covered - that's one step in the right direction!).
- walking on the treadmill every morning. Now that my visitors are gone and my kids are back in camp (in the same building as the little Parks and Recreation workout room), I hop on the treadmill right after I drop off the kids on the other side of the building. I've had to sideline my progression with C25K again, since the pulling sensation (otherwise known as my IT Band) in my left knee has returned out of nowhere. I'm not bummed out - just happy to have some time to myself to exercise. If walking is all I can do and remain injury-free, I'll take it. This morning I had fun (yes, fun) gradually increasing the incline as I walked. Post-workout, I felt really good - working out provides such a motivational and mental boost. **One of those things I need to remember**
- frozen seedless grapes. I put a cup or so in the freezer and eat them at night while watching Bravo TV. Sweet, icy, and delicious.
- taking care of myself. I'm making a point of adhering to a skincare regime before bedtime. Flossing daily. Drinking my requisite 3L of water every day. Talking to myself in a gentle way (instead of allowing the harsh self-criticism have a voice).
- listening to Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" on CD while I'm driving in the car (at times when I'm unaccompanied by the kids). I have the book, but I haven't read it for a long time (and right now it's back in Moscow). What a great thing to listen to - all about being your authentic self. I took it out from the public library last night, and I'm so glad I did.
- Skinnygirl margaritas diluted with zero-calorie maragarita mix (I found the mix at Target - where else?). Alone, the Skinnygirl margaritas are just too strong, but watered down with 0-calorie lime mix and a few ice cubes, it's quite enjoyable. The nice thing is that it's relatively sour (not too sweet) - something that makes you want to sip just one glass, rather than gulping down one or two glasses (I may have done that once or twice...). Sour slows me down - new info for me.

*********************

I apologize for not reading or commenting on anyone's blog lately - I have a lot of catching up to do! I'd also like to thank one of my readers (a self-proclaimed "lurker") who sent me a lovely e-mail during my absence - E., your message was very sweet and thoughtful. Thank-you for your kind words.

Boy, I've missed blogging. There've been so many things I've wanted to write about, but couldn't get the free time alone to write them into a coherent post. Blogging allows me to sort out my emotions about certain things and gives me a special sense of global community - I missed this connection!

Overall, I'm having a much better summer than last year...my focus is on self-care and there is definitely a satisfaction in showing up for myself. There is a certain amount of pride in that - behaving in the way I want to live my life. All the time, I can see more clearly what makes me happy and what doesn't.

For the next few weeks, it'll be pretty normal around here - thankfully. Lots of time to do more of what makes me happy. And certainly, when I'm happier, my kids are happier, too. (No one wants a grouchy mom!) My batteries are almost recharged - just that, by itself, thrills me. I feel like myself - my happy self.

What a relief to know that version of me still exists.

I Miss Blogging! (158 lbs)

2011-07-11T17:27:00.000+03:00

I still have my visitors - they fly out tomorrow...I can't wait to come back and start blogging again, and get back into a regular routine. See you soon...

PS Although I was surrounded by junk food, I ate a Caesar salad for lunch the day we went to Disney World - it was so hot, it just made sense. Yay me! :)

I'll Be Back Soon!

2011-07-05T20:34:00.000+03:00

I'm in the midst of my sister-in-law's visit...driving to Disney World today. I promise I'll be back very soon!

Feelin' Good! (157 lbs)

2011-06-27T14:43:00.000+03:00

Gah! I've fallen into the summer blogging abyss, but I will try my best to pop in on a regular basis.

Some highlights of the past few days:
- I had one day-long episode of crappy eating since I arrived - it puzzled me - where the heck did that come from? And then it hit me - it was PMS! It only took waking up the next morning feeling physically awful (some Skinnygirl margaritas may also have had something to do with that) and a deeper feeling of disgust and disappointment to know it wouldn't be repeated.
- "You can make it go one way or the other" is my new mantra - meaning that by the end of the summer, I can be heavier, or stay the same, or lose some of the extra pounds I've gained. I REFUSE to go back to Russia heavier. REFUSE. As a reminder, every morning I draw little arrows on the back of my hand with a colorful Sharpie marker - it looks like a sign indicating a fork in the road (the ironic metaphor is not lost on me...). Today it is blue.Most of the time, it reminds me to stop and reflect a few times a day on what I'm doing and where I'm going. I also draw strength from it because it symbolizes my ability to choose. Who knew doodling on your hand would be so helpful?
- On Friday night, I unexpectedly had 2 hours to myself. Woohoo! I could have gone shopping, or in the old days, I would have gone to Barnes and Noble and eaten cheesecake and read magazines. But no, I felt like walking on the beach, so off I went. It was much too hot to do my walking/running and I wasn't dressed for running anyway (read: sports bras), but I could walk fast - I had on my sneakers. At the outset, I decided to walk for an hour - it felt great to walk at a breakneck speed. I was sweating like crazy, but I covered between 6.5 and 7 km in 62 minutes - pretty good for walking on sand! I got to see the sunset and enjoy the very warm breeze blowing. The waves were pounding on the shore - it was glorious. Happily, I wasn't sore yesterday, either...wow.
- I'm on a medical catch-up blitz for me and the kids - GP, pediatrician, and dermatologist (sliced-up with 3 mole biopsies) last week. Orthodontist, urologist, follow-up mammogram and ultrasound this week...and there's more after that...No complaints here - I'm very fortunate to have medical coverage and access to great doctors - I will gladly wait in any waiting room for as long as it takes for that!
- After eating quite a number of salads from Wendy's and Target, I finally grilled my own chicken, bought strawberries and bluberries, cheese, etc, I'm making my salads at home now. Even the watery crunch of iceberg lettuce is suddenly delicious (normally, I don't like it). I'm loving the freshness of everything.
- As an experiment, I bought some fat-free Fage yogurt (130 calories per cup) and added in sliced strawberries. No sugar. It was so good!

Like most people, I spend a lot of time in the car. Yet, when the kids are at camp, I get a bit tired of listening to the radio, so I like to listen to books on CD from the library. Last week, I picked up "French Women Don't Get Fat" - I have the book at home in Russia, but I thought it'd be a good thing to re-visit (the author is a huge proponent of "quality over quantity"). I love this approach to food/life. (By stark contrast, I also took out "The Joy Life Diet" by Joy Bauer - mostly out of curiosity. It didn't take long before I turned it off again - I cringed every time I heard the "diet" word - proof that the diet mentality has left my brain. I felt deprived just listening to the CD...and I wasn't even planning to follow it!) "French Women Don't Get Fat" makes me want to choose the best foods I possibly can for myself, while emphasizing enjoyment AND health.

There's no denying it: I feel good when I eat in a healthy way (**one of the things I'm always saying I need to remember**). I feel sad/depressed/generally not-good when I eat crap - and I can say the scale can be completely unrelated to how I feel. It's all about feeling good within my skin - that's what I'm going for. I'm drinking lots of water, taking care of my skin, flossing, getting as much sleep as I can, and...eating healthy food. All I need to do is work in the exercise part a bit more, and guess what? I'm taking care of me. It feels good.

Summer Blogging? (159 lbs)

2011-06-22T14:41:00.000+03:00

The blogging world, mirroring the real world, changes during the summer. Things are quieter, people are out on vacation and having fun - routine is not the norm! I'm wondering if some of the "seasoned" bloggers out there could share their summer blogger plans? I may switch to more sporadic updates for July and August, just enough to keep me accountable/journaling, but freeing up my time a bit more. What's your summer-blogging style?

The Summer of the Salad is still chugging along - I am loving eating in a clean way...although the scale hasn't shown a big drop, I feel much better mentally and physically. I'm still working on getting to the gym (all set to go) - the problem is that by the time afternoon rolls around, my jet lag is pretty bad. I'll give myself another couple of days, and then get going.

5 things I'm enjoying:
1. Gala apples - crunchy and juicy - delish
2. 100 calorie packs of Wasabi nuts - I enjoyed them a little too much yesterday (3 packs...which equals about 9 nuts..haha)
3. Skim string cheese
4. Driving a car - freedom!
5. Target - what else?

For those who are interested there were other Panera Bread salad dressings, other than poppyseed, in the same section at Target. They were in the display (pricey section) of the produce aisle where they sell pre-cut fruits and veggies. If anyone tries another flavour, please let me know - the poppyseed one was pretty good.

Time to get the kids ready for camp - I am beyond thrilled that they love it...freedom, sweet freedom for me!!!

Choices and Responsibility (159 lbs)

2011-06-20T14:44:00.001+03:00

Panera Bread fat-free poppyseed salad dressing? A hit (and I'm not much of a fan of fat-free versions of food anymore). Calories in regular poppyseed dressing: about 160-200 per serving - ouch. Calories in PB fat-free version: 15. Wow. Makes me want to try the others. (I don't know if it's widely available, but I bought it in the vegetable section of Target). Lunch yesterday? Archer Farms California Chicken Salad...again-yum.

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Right before I left Russia, I was faced with an important realization: I will be in Florida for two months...in that amount of time I could easily gain 20 pounds (I've gained that much in that time frame before) OR I can return to Russia at the same weight I am now OR I can go back at a lower weight. The choice is mine.

It can go either way. The outcome depends on what I do at every meal, every snack, and more importantly, what I do when I feel the urge to emotionally eat. Every decision will bring me towards one of those outcomes, and it's only me who can make those decisions. Only me - empowering and a little frightening at the same time.

The rational adult in me feels empowered, and the child in me feels a little cheated that I have to take care of myself, again...there it is - my inner child showing her feelings. A small part of me thinks, "Oh, yet something else I have to do for myself" - automatically I think it's not fair that no one was really focused on taking care of me when they were supposed to (i.e. when I was a child).  A feeling of rage starts to bubble inside...

Herein lies the difference of a while ago and now...before blindly diving into connecting with my inner child and her associated issues, I felt a lot of rage. I was sad and disappointed and...angry. A few years ago, I recall often thinking "I feel angry" - it puzzled me (and worried me) since it seemed to come out of nowhere. Now I think I've found the missing piece of all that buried anger - I've always had to take care of myself, even when I was a child and the adults in my life should have done so. It's not fair, but I can't go back and change it. I only could go back and feel it.  However upset and depressed I felt, I managed to process it. I feel calmer. More rational. Less needy. And now when I feel the urge to overeat, I now know it's a sign I need some TLC - from myself. It's also allowed me to forgive myself for the times I have overeaten in the recent past - I know that I need to care for myself, but the resources for what I needed just weren't available, so I just did the best I could. And that's okay.
There is every resource I need here in North America. Fresh fruit and vegetables. Ready-made salads if I feel lazy. A cheap gym. Childcare (summer camp - which thankfully, they love!) = time to myself. Friends and family (well, most of 'em). Great weather and shopping. Access to proper healthcare. And most importantly...freedom.

So I've reached a point where it's all up to me - and it's okay. Subconsciously, I didn't want to be fully responsible for myself before - I was tired of having to be responsible for me, as well as for the rest of my family.  I wasn't fully ready for the needs of others...my own needs hadn't been met for almost 40 years.

Now it's okay...I no longer feel as though I have to take care of myself, along with everyone else. The anger has fizzled out. Now I want to take care of myself. So I will.

AHHHHHH (160 lbs)

2011-06-19T15:08:00.000+03:00

Ahhhh - I made it to Florida! :)

Just a quick post to say:
1. Summer of the Salad started with Wendy's Berry Almond Chicken Salad (half-portion) - it was delicious and huge, even for a "half" size. I can't imagine the full size...definitely two portions in that one.
2. I bought Panera Bread Light Poppyseed salad dressing yesterday...I'm hoping it tastes good...usually lower calorie poppyseed dressings taste icky, but I'm hopeful about this one.
3. I snagged two bottles of Pimm's #1 at Heathrow Airport before jumping on the bus to transfer to Gatwick. I put them in my suitcases - they arrived fully intact. Yay!
4.  Holding to my word, I've already gone to the recreation center to sign up for the exercise room - after my obligatory intro session, I'll be all set to start. And, it's VERY well air-conditioned, so I think it will be just fine for the hot/sticky/sweatiness factor.
5. Moscow was quite cool (about 12C) when we left (I had to leave my house at 3 am), London was 11C, and Tampa?   33C (about 93F?). Hello summer!
6. My kids start summer camp - which they're very excited about! - and I'm off to the doctor first thing in the morning - and then I have the rest of the day to myself, to do whatever I want! I've already lost count of how many times I've sighed in happiness since arriving. Just...AHHHHH!!!!

Now...off to Target (third trip in 2 days!!!) to get the kids some swimming shirts to shield them from the sun...and then off to the beach. Water temperature? 85F.   AHHHHHHHHHHH

Packing...(162 lbs)

2011-06-16T16:05:00.000+03:00

Thanks for all the great family summer meal ideas yesterday. I feel much more mentally prepared now to make this summer as easy as possible!

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I'm packing for my summer vacation!!! So far in my suitcase?
- a cordless drill (don't ask)
- a box full of wooden curtain rings (again, don't ask)
- shorts and tank tops
- sneakers
- two books about mindful eating

(My son had hidden his convincing-looking plastic water gun in there...last year he put a plastic toy "sword" in his carry-on - we found it just in time before going through security...that wouldn't be good. I think we need to re-visit what sorts of toys he's playing with!)

Of course, there are many more things to go in the bags...but hey, packing to leave Russia for two glorious months? No problem.

I also dug out my stash of British pounds and Euros, since we stop and change airports in London. I want to buy Pimm's at the duty-free shop...duty-free is never something I bother with, but I'm dubious about whether I can get Pimm's in the US. And I've decided that this summer, I must have Pimm's (to go with all my salads, of course). hee hee

I think my kids will like driving on the "wrong" side of the road in England (even if it is just a brief trip on the motorway) and hearing all the British accents. Two years ago I had to go to London with my then-five year old son to get our Russian visas. He asked, "Why does everyone speak German here?"! Poor kid - he was all mixed up. Hopefully, at 7 1/2 and almost 10, they'll appreciate Britain much more, even if it is only for a few hours. (During the same trip as above, two years ago, my young son didn't want to leave the hotel or its swimming pool. I had to drag him out to see Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, and the London Eye (the giant "ferris wheel") - the usual spots. When we visited Buckingham Palace, he was mad get didn't see the Queen.) Thankfully, this past April, while watching the royal wedding, he jumped up and down when he saw the palace and the abbey, yelling, "Hey, we were there! We were there!"

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Well, back to the packing AND to the gym to get on the treadmill. It's only 30 minutes, warm-up and cool-down included. No excuses.

See you next week, when I'll be blogging from hot and sunny Florida...and my Summer of the Salad (with Pimm's?) will have begun.

Yahooooo!!!!! I'm escaping "Mother Russia"!!!! (More like "Mother-In-Law Russia" in my mind - no motherly love involved, merely tolerance and obligation, with a disproportionate amount of meddling in my business. Sounds like a MIL situation to me!)

Family Summer Meals? (162 lbs)

2011-06-15T14:01:00.000+03:00

After cooking almost all meals from scratch all year here in Moscow (although Mr. Debbie and I go out for "date night" on a regular basis, going out for dinner as a family here is a fairly rare occasion), I am really running out of patience and ideas for family meals. My own individual "Summer of Salads" will start this Saturday, when I arrive in the US (Archer Farms salads, here I come!). However, I can't impose salads on my kids all summer. What to do? What to cook? We'll probably eat out 2 times a week, but on the other days, I feel compelled to make something healthy for them...and something that they like. But also something that I can prepare ahead of time, so I don't have to cook every night...that's what I do here, and I'm so tired of it! (Can't you tell? This momma needs a vacation.) Whine, whine, whine...!

What sorts of easy, nutritious meals do you make for your family in the summertime? Any suggestions, any at all, would be greatly appreciated. Please...help me! (I know - I've officially lost my mind.)

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Week Two of C25K almost complete...I have to do the last day (tomorrow) back-to-back with today's workout, since I'll be travelling Friday. This will be the first time I will have bent the rules of the plan this time around, but hey, squeezing in the workout is better than not doing it at all, right?

Gleefully, I pulled out the suitcases this morning, which I have to pack tomorrow. Woohoo for packing the suitcases! Woohoo!

S-U-M-M-E-R Questions (160 lbs)

2011-06-14T16:37:00.000+03:00

Today I was packing some suitcases (and stashing some stuff away from my husband - he'll be here in the house in Moscow alone all summer, and there's certain things I want to find again when I come back...). As I packed, naturally I was thinking about the upcoming summer: the heat (already in the 90's in FL), shopping at Target, the beach, having fun with the kids, and seeing some of my family.

I came up with this Summer-Focused Q and A list...feel free to copy the questions and post your own!

S - Swimsuit?: What kind do you wear? In the past couple of years, I've switched to a two-piece (a "tankini"?), wherein the top comes all the way down to meet the bottoms (thus, no midriff flab is exposed). This type of bathing suit really comes in handy for the bathroom - you don't have to completely strip-off every time. Once in a while, one part loses its shape before the other or gets worn out, so if you're careful about what you buy, sometimes you only have to replace half a suit at a time.

U - UV's?  What is your favorite sunscreen?  Are you a tanner or a shade person? I don't try to lie directly in the sun too much anymore. As a mom, I'm militant about putting it on my kids, plus swimming shirts and hats (plus the subsequent fighting to try to get them to keep it all on!) A few years ago, my kids hated putting on sunscreen so much, they called it "Sun Scream"...the name stuck. Now, thankfully, they can rub in most of it on their own, and then I'll do their backs and necks.

For me, I'll admit, I mostly buy Banana Boat - for the smell!!! About 10 years ago, The Body Shop made a watermelon-scented sunscreen that was so delicious-smelling...but then, of course, with my luck being what it is, that sunscreen line was discontinued. I tend to tan, instead of burn (Mr. Debbie is a burner), but with the tan comes lots of lovely moles...and those moles are followed by visits to the dermatologist (and some unfortunate excisions that were thankfully benign).  So, these days I like to sit under my pretty aqua-blue beach umbrella - I've become a shady-lady.

M - Mayo or mustard?: Which one do you like on sandwiches (or hotdogs/hamburgers)? I grew up on Miracle Whip (technically not mayonnaise), but I've grown to like small amounts of real mayonnaise as a condiment. Fat-free Miracle Whip never used to bother me...now I think the taste is horrendous! In Russia, it's very commonplace to see mayonnaise as a condiment for hotdogs/weiners, rather than mustard (and if it IS mustard, it's Dijon or a very hot and spicy Russian kind). I prefer French's mustard, which is next to impossible to find here (and an unopened bottle is one of the items I'll be hiding from Mr. Debbie while I'm away...There is a giant full bottle in the fridge, but if I don't conceal this second one, it'll get opened as well...and I need this mustard to last for at least another year...sounds so petty, I know, but after many years of marriage, I also know my husband's habits. He likes to open new stuff before other opened containers are used up, and in Russia, where many items are unavailable or wildly expensive, well, that doesn't work too well.)

M - Music?: What's your favorite summertime music? Does it differ from any other time of the year? I love to listen to Bob Marley in the summertime...just relaxing and mellow. Love it!  Reggae music always sounds a bit funny when it's snowing out, so Mr. Marley doesn't get much air-time in the winter months.

E - Exercising: Do you exercise more in the summer? Do you change your routine? Or does it all fall by the wayside until September? I've decided that this summer will be much more active than last summer (during which I did nothing). The heat and humidity takes the wind out of my sails quite a lot, and when I feel so hot and sweaty, the idea of getting hotter and sweatier is completely unappealing...BUT...I'm going to use the FL weather patterns to my advantage. You see, pretty much every single afternoon, around 4 pm, storm clouds gather and we have a big thunderstorm. Every day. You can almost set your watch by it. So, what to do on weekdays, right before picking up the kids from summer camp, when it's pouring rain? You guessed it. Debbie will be doing C25K on the treadmill or lifting weights, or even a workout on Exercise TV, if need be. I will not become an inactive slug this summer. I will not. Self - do you hear me? I will not!

R - Rainy Days?: What's your favorite way to spend a rainy summer day? I'm such a geek - I love to go to the library! Then I'll go home and curl up with the books I found. However, when you have kids, everyone starts having cabin fever after an hour or two of quiet reading, so many times, we'll head out to the movies. In Florida, I always bring a thick fleece sweatshirt or hoodie with me to the movie theatre...it's always steamy-hot outdoors, but when you get inside, wet with the rain, combined with the super-frigid A/C, I've spent quite a few movies being miserably cold. Now I do things in FL...never go to a movie without a sweater, and never go into a store without an umbrella. Lots of times I've popped into a store for 5 minutes...sun shining when I went in, and torrential rain 5 minutes later when I came out.

So there you are - a little glimpse into my summertime habits.  Bring on the vacation!!!

Irritated (159 lbs)

2011-06-13T20:24:00.000+03:00

Week 2, Day One of C25K (90 sec running, 2 min walking for 20 minutes)...done! I went past the 90 sec mark for running a couple of times by mistake - it flies by really quickly. After the treadmill, I did some squats and walking lunges,with weights, followed by some upper body work. Nothing too crazy, nothing too taxing - I really enjoy working out if I'm not beating myself up!

This past weekend was a little tricky on the food front - a lot of social events/neighbourhood get-togethers, plus a date night on Sat pm with Mr. Debbie. (We went to Spanish tapas restaurant - it wasn't exactly tapas they were serving, but it was delicious nonetheless.) After dinner, we found a little coffeehouse that looked a lot like Starbucks knock-off. Mr. Debbie had a piece of cake and we both tried "Snickers" flavoured coffee. Oh my goodness, that coffee was good!!! It tasted quite decadent - I don't know how many calories get added, if any, to coffee beans to make "Snickers"- flavoured coffee, but hopefully it's not as fattening as it tasted...yum!

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We went out to dinner with the kids tonight (Italian restaurant). Argggghhh, my patience is wearing thin with the Russian experience...only 3 more days and I'm outta here for the summer. I'm so done. My ability to just roll with it has been 99.99999% used up. I ordered a strawberry margarita at dinner - the drink I received had no tequila in it at all...they'd made it with vodka. Bleccchhhhhh. Of course, I can't complain or send it back because I can't speak the language and the service SUCKS in Russia. Which wouldn't be a big deal if I hadn't just paid $12 for it. (Sorry...I'm irritated and worn down with this place...Patience and sense of humor? G-O-N-E!!!

I shall exit this post now - I'm too crabby and contrary. Sleep deprivation is not helping...Moscow doesn't have "White Nights" like St. Petersburg (wherein it's daylight for 24 hours for weeks), but the sun is up until about 11 pm, and then rises again by 3-3:30am. I've heard birds outside chirping at 2 am...Some days it's fun, and then some days you just want to get some sleep. (As it is, we have black-out fabric nailed on over the windows in our bedroom, along with duct tape holding down the edges...and yet the light gets through.) As dark and dreary the winters are here, with very short days, then you get this - nearly perpetual daylight for the summer months (and the resulting sleep disruption).

I will return to my blog tomorrow in a better mood. Time to go and watch some Real Housewives of New Jersey - Bravo TV always make me relax...

Summer of the Salad (158 lbs)

2011-06-10T15:52:00.000+03:00

You know what I keep hearing myself say over and over on this blog? "I have to remember this". I know I've said it about exercise - once you get going, it's not that bad, as long as you don't push yourself too hard. Afterwards, it feels pretty good. Somehow, the exercising makes me drink more water, which leads me to eating less, which leads me to...being on track!

I've also said it about how awful I've felt after bingeing and how it's never worth it, and that "just having one (insert junk food of choice)" never turns out to be just having one.

The only problem is, I know I've said it about other stuff, and I can't remember what I said it about! What are the other areas of healthy-living amnesia I seem to suffer from? It may come down to re-reading my entire blog (oh boy) and labelling all the stuff I was supposed to remember to help me in this process. No wonder I tend to self-sabotage - I can't remember my own life lessons! Geez.

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Week One of C25K complete! Fast and easy, and no leg/knee pain...I think (I keep wondering, "Do I feel something? Was that something? Did I feel something then?".) I'm really focusing on post-workout stretching - holding the stretches longer and doing a greater number of them at different angles. While running, I'm also trying to relax my shoulders - I have a tendency to squeeze them higher and higher, which later on, feels very tight and painful. Monday: Week Two - I'll have to go back and check what I'll have to do, but regardless, I know I can do it. Yes!

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I've decided this will be the Summer of the Salad. For the entire time I'm in Florida, I want to make a giant effort to have a salad of some sort for my main meal most days of the week. After all year here in Russia, where the produce scares me (now doubly-so since the E.coli outbreak in Germany), I've been avoiding fresh vegetables quite a bit. If I feel like the produce is germy or tainted in some way (which is, um, all the time here), even if it looks okay, I won't touch it. (Let's call my behaviour for what it is: phobic.) After a long time, this becomes problematic if you're trying to eat healthily...which I am.

So, here comes the Summer of the Salad. No, not the creamy ones or the pasta-based ones, or the ones with fried chicken in them. Just basic salads with yummy basic ingredients - the Archer Farms fruit and grilled chicken salad with goat cheese at Target is really good. Filling and delicious. I also want to make the blueberry/blue cheese/pecan spinach salad I had a few times at Whole Foods (and later made at home). And the chicken/pear/brie salad with dried cranberries from Rose Reisman's cookbook.

The hot and humid weather in FL flies in the face of cooking every evening, when I could have cool, crispy (healthy) salad instead. If I want to eat out, there's a Sweet Tomatoes a couple of miles from my house...and a Crispers (these are salad-based fast food restaurants). Even Chick-Fil-A has good salads. Almost everywhere has salad. No excuses - Summer of the Salad can be a huge success!

My only concern is Disney World...the "happiest place on earth" might not have salad. (I'm bringing my sister-in-law, niece, nephew, and my own kids there in a few weeks. It'll just be a short little visit - two days.) All I can recall from being there once before are those ungodly turkey legs, pizza, and cotton candy. (Wow - I'm back to wanting to eat healthy foods again for the sake of feeling good - I love it when I surprise myself in a positive way.)

Has anyone ever eaten anything healthy at Disney World? Does it exist??? (For some reason, I've just mentally changed the words of "It's A Small World" to "It's A Small Arse After All"...so wrong. So me. Can't you hear it in your head now?)

One more week until Summer of the Salad kicks off (read: one more week until I go to Florida). WOOHOO!

A Little Rant (160 lbs)

2011-06-09T16:13:00.000+03:00

Oooh...late yesterday my son and I came down with some sort of stomach bug - gurgling tummy and abdominal pain (luckily, no vomiting!). Mr. Debbie and my daughter escaped it, but my little guy and I were down for the count until midday today (it's now 5pm in Russia). Little Man informed me an hour ago that he's now "97% okay", and went off to play outside (his timing suspiciously coincides with the end of the school day). However, I'm just feeling back to normal myself, so I've cut him some slack and let him go.

Due to my stomach troubles, I haven't done much in the past 24 hours...even watching "Cupcake Wars" on my DVR couldn't hold my interest. Last night, I did finally watch the finale of "The Biggest Loser" (also on DVR) - I'd been avoiding it during my funk. (Until now, I just couldn't bring myself to watch a show where I knew everyone'd be so deliriously happy with how they'd changed their lives, when I was struggling to merely get out of bed.) Now that I'm out of that black place, I enjoyed seeing the dramatic transformations of the contestants. A lot of them had lost over 40% of their initial body weights - holy crap! Truly remarkable. The lady who won truly deserved it.

However, can I say something about that show? There's only one thing that annoys me about "The Biggest Loser", and that is the virtually non-existent information provided about what the contestants eat. The little they do provide is usually in ad-form, for yogurt or Subway or Jennie-O. Considering that 80% of weight loss is linked to what you eat, I'm irritated with the message the show sends that focuses primarily on exercise. Yes, of course it's a key part, but not the most critical part. The participants start off as morbidly obese people who, by their own admission, ate massive amounts of food to attain being overweight. Exercising like demons for hours a day certainly changes their bodies, but without the corresponding dietary changes, their results would likely be a lot less dramatic. Why won't they show more of the food-side of their program??? I wish they'd show more details about how the contestants changed their eating habits, and what impact that had had on them psychologically. Yes, I know it's a TV show (where the goal is to make $$$ for all involved), but for me, that's the missing link. Are they hiding something, or would it hold less of a "You-can-do-this-too" message if they showed the meals and snacks being prepared and served by the show's chefs?

Is it just me who feels this way? (It won't stop me from watching the next season - it's just a beef I have.)

Okay, so that rant is over...

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Day 3 of Week 1 of C25K tomorrow am - and then, hey, I've completed Week One already! :) My shoulders are mildly sore from the weight-lifting yesterday, but not to the point of requiring Advil. I've already figured out that I'll be able to continue my treadmill running and weights in Florida (there's a new recreation center close to my house - only $15/month!). So for $30 over the course of two months, I'm all set. I'm also planning to pick up a small set of dumbells to use at night while I'm watching TV, and throw in some old-school planks, push-ups, and a few other things. Back to basics.

Slow and steady this time around. Who knows? I may even do some yoga on ExerciseTV. Any recommendations for a good one to try?

Funk? It's Over! (160 lbs)

2011-06-08T15:26:00.000+03:00

My funk is officially over. I'm awake and engaged in life again - boy, am I happy that's over!

Here's what I realized:

Feeling brave and perhaps a bit cocky, I took a chance and ventured into the previously "no-fly zone" of my emotions. I looked at long-standing issues tangled up with food and overeating: stuff from my childhood/teenage years, as well as in my adult years, that created and perpetuated the habit of pushing down uncomfortable feelings with food. I went there - the ugly place, the place where all the things I've anesthetized with food resided Unexpectedly, the feelings I'd stuffed down so long ago came surging up with a surprising and tremendous force, like I'd unleashed a monster.

Anger, helplessness, sorrow, regret, shame, and fear were all still there, fully intact, and perhaps even stronger than what they'd originally been. They'd had a long time to grow and distort and mutate.

So there it all was, in all its toxicity, like a heaving jack-in-the-box monster that I couldn't squash back inside once it'd been let out. I still didn't know what to do with all of that mess.

So I ate and cried. And cried and ate. But I also felt a lot of garbage that I hadn't ever let myself feel. And the result is that I've ended up in a new and better place.

I feel cleaned out inside - emotionally refreshed. An emotional enema of sorts? There's much less inside now that's bottled up. I don't think of certain things from the past and think, "Ick, I don't want to think about that", I just have more of a feeling of acceptance about it all. My internal volcano has finally stopped spewing, and I feel a sense of calm.

Whewwwww....it was a bumpy ride. Thank God the funk is over!

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Second run/walk of C25K complete - I love how short it is (only 20 minutes plus warm-up/cool-down/stretching). A blink! The walking parts feel sort of long (ha!), but I'll take that as a good sign. I will restrain myself from doing more - I am sticking to the non-injury plan.

Since my cardio portion didn't feel too taxing, I also did a bit of weight training after the treadmill, just enough to work a few muscle groups all over my body. We'll see what my muscles say to me about that tomorrow.

*************************

Finally, my son (a first-grader) had exercise homework yesterday - he had to skip for 5 minutes! (I think it's more about recording the "start" and "finish" times, and less about the actual exercise, but it's all good.) Anyway, we dug out the skipping ropes (which my tomboy daughter wants nothing to do with) and skipped...I haven't done that in a long time. As a child, I was really good at skipping, now I keep stepping on the rope. It was fun, though, and I'm grateful it was only for 5 minutes - my knees hurt after all that jumping.

Wow. I'm getting old - my kids always comment about how much my joints creak and crack - a virtual symphony in the mornings. But I can still bend over with straight legs and put my hands flat on the floor.

I like to think it's a sign I'm still a bit flexible...more likely, though, it's just a sign of short legs.

Where There's A Will...(159 lbs)

2011-06-07T17:41:00.000+03:00

I'm happy to report a definite absence of sore muscles after my first day of starting over with C25K. Yahoo for that! After all this time, I must have retained some degree of fitness - nice to know it doesn't just immediately evaporate.

There was a subtle hint of all-or-nothing thinking in yesterday's post - luckily I caught it - when I said I'd hop right on the treadmill today and run/walk again. That's not the C25K program...today was a "rest day". Considering I'm going a bit easier on myself this time and following the plan as carefully as possible, there was no run today. Tomorrow. Something tells me a bit of self-restraint will serve me well, and probably keep me off the injured list. Normally, I feel compelled to push and push and push myself. Not this time.

****************************

Did I mention I've figured out how to make iced skinny caramel macchiatos at home? It's my absolute favorite summer drink (well, next to margaritas...). My favorite non-alcoholic summer drink. Considering I can't just easily jump in a car and go to Starbucks here in Moscow (they're around, but it's a whole production, and VERY time-consuming), and a grande costs almost $9 US, I decided to take things into my own hands.

I've seen this drink made a million times: vanilla sugar-free syrup, ice cubes, espresso, skim milk, and caramel drizzled over the top (in the photo below, I'd actually started drinking it, then realized I forgot to take the photo).

Luckily, Starbucks sells the syrup here - ironically, a whole giant bottle costs a little more than one grande iced skinny caramel macchiato. But really, what does make sense in Russia?

I've had an espresso machine (bought at a garage sale) for over a year - it's also a regular coffee maker, so it's an investment I've used daily. The only thing is, I'm not an espresso-drinker, and had no idea how to work the espresso part/milk-frother side! (Very intimidating-looking...) My neighbour who sold it to me showed me how to use it once before she moved away...and no manual!

However, after drawing on my sketchy memory and a few ill-fated attempts, I was making perfect espresso (well, good enough for me...) for my Starbucks drink. (I splurged on Italian-made Illy espresso - it smells heavenly).

Being the cheapo I am, I kept a couple of the Starbucks plastic cups and lids my previous $9 iced caramel macchiatos have come in (they don't sell the thick plastic Starbucks cups here).

The craziest part of all? For whatever reason, it's virtually impossible to buy caramel syrup in Moscow - even at Starbucks. And I wanted caramel syrup to go on this drink! So what did I do? I looked in a Martha Stewart cookbook, and voila, I made my own!!!

It's not as caramel-y in color as I'd like, but it tastes like the real deal. I poured it into a squeeze sports water bottle, and I keep it in the fridge.

Pathetic? Perhaps...but I'm a determined little soul sometimes. I like what I like, and I like skinny iced caramel macchiatos. So now I can enjoy one every afternoon...pretty low in calories and fat, and very high in satisfaction.

When I return to Florida at the end of next week (WOOHOO for that!!!), it's pretty much guaranteed that I won't be making this drink at home. But for now, I've found a way to make it work (in a place where most things are not easy)...and it tastes exactly like the real thing!

Relieved! (160 lbs)

2011-06-06T15:17:00.000+03:00

A big day in Debbie-Land! After six weeks of resting my stress fractured leg and two weeks of wanting to run, but fearing it: today I ran!!!

Following my plan for recovery, I did Day One of Couch-to-5K (C25K) on the treadmill. Alternating one minute running, 1 1/2 minutes walking, for 20 minutes. That's it. That's what I was fearing!

I'll admit, I said a little prayer for myself just before hitting "start". Lordy, I was afraid that my leg would start to hurt. (It didn't.) I was afraid my body somehow would feel all uncoordinated or that I'd be gasping for breath. (It didn't and I wasn't.) Everything worked properly. Nothing short of a miracle.

Relieved - that's how I feel. Relieved! Amazingly, I barely broke a sweat. Amazingly, my breathing was easy and normal through it all. My body doesn't hurt. To paraphrase - yes, you guessed it - I am relieved and amazed.

As piddly of an accomplishment as this all sounds, I am very proud of myself for delving into what I was fearing. Rational or irrational, in my mind I'd fallen apart and could no longer run (which was what actually happened at the beginning of April). It took two whole extra weeks to summon the courage to face the possibility of failure.

Well, two hours, two days, or two weeks...it doesn't matter. I did it when I felt ready...scared, but ready.

And so begins a new chapter of becoming an ex yo-yo dieter/blossoming runner. I know I can get back on the treadmill again tomorrow and do it again. Easy does it...no pushing myself to go longer or faster, I will just stick with the program.

Not running the marathon was a tough lesson for me, yet there were important things to learn about myself hidden in it. I hate it while it's happening, but I'm always glad I've gone through the rough times - once they're over! It's been a marathon of the mind, that's for sure.

The injury might come back - who knows? But I will keep going until it does. And if it does, well, I'll figure it out somehow. No more just lying down in the ditch and giving up on myself.

Today I feel as though I'm at the starting line, yet feeling the victory of some invisible finish line at the same time.

Today has been all about healing.

The Question of Selfishness - Again (160 lbs)

2011-06-03T16:58:00.000+03:00

Healthy Me is prevailing...I just keep stopping myself from eating impulsively, asking "Would Healthy Me eat this?" or "What would Healthy Me do?". Most of the time, I switch gears and do something else (like physically removing myself from the kitchen...there is no food in other rooms of my house). Yay for Healthy Me!

Yesterday, wild dogs or no wild dogs, I said "F*ck it" and went for a walk in the park. It has been gorgeous weather here in Moscow, sunny and hot. I just had to get out of this gated compound I live in (otherwise known as "The Golden Cage"). It takes about a hour and 40 minutes of brisk walking to get to the mall (on the other side of the park) and back, so I went. It felt good to move, and the shady walk-ways were perfectly breezy and beautiful. (There is a nice side of Moscow, you know.)

As for the dogs, well, I did come fairly close to two big ones on the path on my way back. I'd put a kitchen knife in my purse before I left home, so I grabbed that and just continued to walk (even though my heart was beating furiously). Of course, the second I took the knife out of my bag, a random Russian man who'd been sunbathing in the bushes stood up, alternately staring at me and then the knife I was carrying. Yes, here I was in the middle of the city, preparing to defend myself from wild dogs while a man wearing only his bikini underwear looked on. And from the expression on his face, it was clear he thought I was the crazy one. Only in Russia...

*****************************

The question of "selfishness" keeps popping into my mind again, now that I've realized I need to take back the reigns in my life. Definitely a hot topic in my head - I go back and forth with what is an acceptable amount of doing anything for myself.

After re-visiting Karen Koenig's book, "Nice Girls Finish Fat" (particularly the chapter entitled "Me, Me, Me, Me, Me...Just Practicing - Learning To Be Selfish"), I've been reminded of a key irrational belief I've held for a long, long time: that having my own needs is selfish. (Even typing those words makes me cringe a little bit.)

Why do I think it's absolutely fine and natural for everyone else to have needs, but absolutely unacceptable for me?

At the end of the chapter, there's a "Nice Girl Manifesto For Selfishness". In the lists of Do's and Dont's, here are a few Dont's that struck a chord with me:
- Don't try to be all things to all people just to avoid the label of selfish
- Don't accept other people's definitions of what makes you good, kind, and unselfish
- Don't avoid downtime because you feel pressure to be productive and useful.
- Don't avoid self-care because taking care of yourself makes you feel selfish.

Hmmm...definitely an area that I need to think about much more.

In the following chapter, Koenig talks about how to handle negative reactions to de-nicing oneself.

The line that got me was, "It's not a matter of people liking you, but of you liking you."

It's tricky to switch over to first questioning what I think of myself and to count on my own opinion of myself as more important than other people's opinions of me (again * cringe, cringe, cringe*)...it sounds so wrong for me to do that. Yet, when I think of self-confident people whom I admire, I think, "Well of course they value their own opinions of themselves over those of others". But I don't do that with myself - it's somehow wrong. When did I become so unimportant to myself?

Lots to ponder this weekend...and I'm going to take some me-time to do exactly that. :)

Finding "Healthy Me" (160 lbs)

2011-06-02T14:54:00.000+03:00

Yesterday was a good day! I put myself high on the priority list...and I followed through with it.

A long time ago, I did a post based on a mug I bought from the Oprah Store. The mug says "Become more of yourself". That was my mantra yesterday - every time I found myself reaching for something to eat, I'd think, "Is this what strong "healthy me" would do?" Sometimes the answer was yes, sometimes not.

I know this mindset worked for me before (I'd forgotten this is what I did, but now it's come back). It's fairly simple...imagine someone you admire who lives a healthy lifestyle. They eat well, they exercise, they take care of themselves. Now imagine it's you living like that - what does that look like? You might need to say "no" to extra helpings of food and not eating compulsively. You might go for a walk every morning. You might drink lots of water. Although the mirror might not match up with the mindset right now, eventually they mesh together. You become the healthy person because you are behaving like a healthy person.

The great thing is, when I say "no" to something (ie food) coupled with this outlook, it doesn't feel like deprivation, it feels like I am taking care of myself.  Instead of "I have to..." or "I should...", I'm thinking, "I want this for the healthy me".  I am not comparing myself to others or trying to be someone I'm not. I'm just aspiring to be the healthy version of myself. Becoming more of myself.

Over and over, I have binged in misdirected attempts to take care of myself. I've known this for a long time, but most of the time, I would find myself wondering how else to make myself feel better. You know the typical advice:  Take a walk, call a friend, take a bubble bath. Yet, I could never connect the two; I felt bad, but none of the things on the list felt like self-care. I'd take a bubble bath, but then I would end up just feeling bad sitting in the tub.

The missing link for me has been role-playing and visualizing "Healthy Me". It that same old saying that keeps on cropping up in my life: See It, Believe It, Achieve It. By visualizing how a "healthy me" would behave, I can see what I need to do for myself much more clearly. What would "healthy me" do in this situation? Would she take a bath right now to feel better? No...she just needs to lie down and take a little rest.

That is the key question I need to keep on asking myself: What would "Healthy Me" do? Healthy Me doesn't go to extremes.  She's not a perfectionist, and if she trips up, she's compassionate and loving to herself, and then goes back to her healthy ways again.

Fake it 'til you make...there are worse things in the world than pretending to be a healthier version of yourself.  Imagining Healthy Me feels positive - I can't feel bad about it. Call me crazy, but I have created a feeling of gentle support within myself. The great thing is, Healthy Me already knows me so well!

It's All Inside (161 lbs)

2011-06-01T17:27:00.000+03:00

Okay, back to basics. What does "taking care of myself" mean, specifically for me? What do I need to do to make myself feel better? I figured I could just think about this, or I could write it down (and writing it down always provides more insight...).

First of all, Oprah, in her final show last week, reminded me of something important: We are all responsible for our own lives. How does that pertain to me? Waiting for someone else to come along to "make it all better" is not going to happen. Even in marriage, when you make a lot of joint decisions and do many things together, ultimately, my husband has his life and I have mine. We are not all rolled up into the same person. There are things I need to do for me that are completely separate from my husband and kids, and everyone else.

On a related note, after digging around in my past, and shedding some light on what has formed some of my undesired behaviours (like, oh, I don't know, compulsive overeating?), ultimately, I am responsible for what I do here and now. The past is past, but now that I know how I got here, I don't need to keep on doing it. I have choices. Many, many choices...and the most important thing is choosing to see is that I have the power now. As Ms. Tennie ("Addicted to Food") said, "All those people from the past can't rent that space in your brain anymore". Time to do some evictions.

Over the past while, I've let myself slide back into a place where a lot of other people's expectations and opinions and voices have crept into my inner dialogue. To the point where I can't hear my own voice anymore. I know very clearly what everyone around me wants - I've listened to and honored those wants, treating them as important priorities. Everyone else is busy, they have to get X, Y, and Z done. And where have I been in all of this? Where is my list of to-do's? And why am I so reluctant to say, "I have to do X, Y, and Z"?

Because it's for me. Unwittingly, I let myself slide to the bottom of the list, to the point where basically I slid right off the list. Selfless to the point of not having a self.

I've been here before - being an empty vessel, waiting for anyone who comes along to tell me what to do, how to feel, how to be. The difference between then and now is that, now, I know that all that information is inside of me. I know that losing myself is not helping anyone. Ultimately, I don't want anyone else to tell me how to be - I want that to come from within. I want to be myself. I just have to let my inner voice be heard again, instead of squashing it down with food.

It is impossible to please everyone all of the time. If that is happening, then you can be sure that there is still one unhappy person - me.

So where do I start? What do I need to do to take care of me? What do I want?

A favorite thing I like to do is imagine my "ideal self" going about her day...what is she eating? (Delicious salads for lunch, an afternoon skinny caramel macchiato) Is she working out? Yes - regularly because she wants to take care of herself. Is her hair clean and styled? Yes. Does she have make-up on? Yes. How does she behave? With self-confidence and kindness, even to herself. Does she have trouble saying "no" when warranted? Absolutely.

When I visualize who I want to be, the image of someone still in their PJ's at noon, who will say yes to anything anyone wants, while crying at almost everything, and scarfing down huge amounts of junk, living a directionless life does not come to mind.

The spark of the idea of who I want to be is flickering today.

It all starts with taking care of myself...so here are 5 things I am doing today to do just that.

5 Ways I Am Taking Care of Myself Today:
1. I am officially taking the day off - I am not volunteering for anything, baking anything, or doing anyone any favors (unless it is something I really want to do). I have learned the skills to say "no" - time to practice, knowing the world will not fall apart and that I will not be hated for saying it.
2. I will buy myself some pretty flowers. I love flowers, and God knows I need some cheering up.
3. I will make a nice salad for my lunch, and a skinny caramel macchiato this afternoon (yes, I've figured out how to make them at home!).
4. I will do some sort of physical activity...this has been a major missing link to staving off the blues. It's time to treat myself to some exercise.
5. I will make a bucket list of what I want to do in the next 6 months/one year/5 years...

These are the questions I'm asking myself today: Who do I want to be? What do I see myself doing? What is important to me?

I just need to remind myself of who I am and where I want to go. I want "me" back...I like "me". And I've missed myself!

Blue (161 lbs)

2011-05-30T21:29:00.000+03:00

It's now 10 pm in Moscow...and I'm finally sitting down to write a blog post. A short one, but a post nonetheless.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me - my marathon day passed me by. Oh, I know I did the right thing by not running when injured. And I know it's not the end of the world. But it still hurt a lot. I cannot say how deeply ingrained that marathon dream of mine really is.

At times, I feel as though I let myself dream really big, maybe too big, and then it blew up in my face. It is hard to take the sting out of that.

As much as I'd like to be all Suzy Sunshine and provide inspiration or even a positive perspective, I have been struggling enormously with all that lately. I want to feel good, but mostly I have been pretty depressed lately.

While I 'd love to be able to say that becoming an ex yo-yo dieter is an easy straight line, it has been anything but that. Right now, I just can't seem to snap myself out of it. Mentally, I feel the quicksand-feeling I had when I was 208. It is not a fun place to be - I feel like I'm drowning in...in...in what?

It's not even about the weight, it's how I feel about what I'm doing with my life. Perhaps it's early perimenopause (although the last time someone suggested that to me, I was pregnant, which I am not). Perhaps it's a midlife crisis. Or just garden-variety depression. I don't know.

I can't wait to go the doctor once I get back to the US - I don't dare see any of the quacks here.

To sugar-coat how I've been feeling really doesn't help in the big scheme of things...this is the real life swirl of a real-life person trying to beat her eating disorder.

It all can't be sunshine and roses. I just want to stop sinking further into the quicksand.

Springtime Stroll in Moscow (? lbs)

2011-05-26T15:01:00.002+03:00

I decided to take a little departure from all the doom and gloom lately on my blog and show you what Moscow looks like in the springtime. The other day I got a little adventurous, and went for a stroll on my own outside my gated compound.

I love how all the flowers are in bloom now - gorgeous!

Below is a typical Russian streetcar (which I have yet to have a ride on).

Here is one of the canals that runs within the city. There are "no swimming" signs all along here, but that doesn't stop many, many Russians from just stripping down to their underwear (or less) and just jumping in.

By the way, at public swimming pools, you must show a "certificate" from a doctor saying you don't have a communicable disease before you're allowed to go in. A Russian woman told me this - I don't have any plans to go to a public pool here, thankyouverymuch. Of course, like many things in Russia, if you don't want to actually go to the doctor, you can just buy the certificate, regardless of health. (I've been told that you can also just buy a driver's license, regardless of whether you actually know how to drive. It's all about bribes, my friends.)

A typical Russian rooftop - beautiful architecture that has seen better days...sort of.

Lots and lots of tulips - thankfully, Russians LOVE flowers. There are 24-hour flower shops all over the place. There are also 24-hour saunas ("banyas"). Why does one need to buy flowers at 3 am? I don't want to know why one goes to a public sauna at 3am...

And finally, you know what's lying here under this tree...a wild dog, of course!

Fill It Up To Half-Full, Please (161 lbs)

2011-05-25T17:14:00.000+03:00

This may sound nuts, but now that I've waited the full six weeks for my stress fracture to heal, I'm afraid to run. Yes, me, the one who couldn't wait to run and was counting down the days...I'm afraid. What if it's not healed and the pain is still there? What then???

Now that I've typed that, the more rational part of my brain told me if something is still wrong, I'll just have to wait the 3 weeks until I go back to the States, and see the orthopedic surgeon again. It's really not that long...and there are worse things in life. Glass half-full, please.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to get on the treadmill and see what happens. Since I'm starting at the beginning of C25K again, it's only alternating walking and running for a minute at a time for 20 minutes. Six weeks ago I was running for up to 3 hours. My legs are not going to crumble and crack off. I'm not going to die of disappointment if the pain is still there. I'll figure it out.

(Geez...I've really built this up in my head!)

The urge to binge has subsided. Maybe I had to just feel some of this inner garbage from my past and let myself be sad. Albeit, self-medicated with sugar and fat while working through the mess, but I definitely explored some things that felt unresolved. I wouldn't say they are presently fully resolved, but I've gained some huge insights into what has kept me stuck. People-pleasing is a big part...I'm learning to say "no" much more readily and easily. Now all I need to do is focus on what I want in my life as opposed to what I don't. Again, glass half-full is a better focus.

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Oh, remember the cake pops from last week? The sickly sweet creations that I said I'd never make again?

My kids had a lemonade stand this past Sunday afternoon. I figured I'd give all the leftover cake pops to them to sell...kids will definitely tell you if they don't like something, so if they were a bust, we could just throw them away.

To my utter shock, once the word got around about those cake pops, they were the bestseller of the lemonade stand. Kids were literally running home to get more money to buy them! (My daughter priced them at 50 rubles (about $1.60) - not cheap.) They sold out anyway - the kids loved them.

Who knew? What tasted so sickly sweet to me was the hit of the neighbourhood. Maybe I was all wrong about a cupcake business here...cake pops might just be the way to go.

Starbucks already sells them here in Moscow...to the tune of 110 rubles (about $3.60) a pop, and theirs are nowhere as cute as mine. Hmmmm. I may be on to something...

Sleep, Hibernate, Shut Down, and Restart (162 lbs)

2011-05-24T14:18:00.000+03:00

Oh yes, there it is - a jump upwards on the scale...ouch. But you know, it is what it is - I knew what I was doing, and I ate my face off anyway. It's not water or TOM or hormones. It's tons of extra empty calories turned to fat.

I'm reminded of the buttons that operate my computer's most basic on/off functions. Sleep, Hibernate, or Shut Down - these are the options when taking a break from my computer. Many times when I've been in binge mode, I've thought about how these function names sound like things I'd like to do...when I feel blah, they all sound pretty good, just a matter of degree.

That's not good.

Above this lovely list of options - in its own category - is Restart. Thank God for "restart"! I'm learning to use this much more frequently when things are going haywire. I know I keep saying it over and over, but I'm also re-starting over and over. Long spans of successful, mindful, intuitive eating are fairly scarce in my life these days, but I refuse, absolutely refuse to give up.

There is no other option.

This morning I was reading Keelie's blog (her story is very inspiring), and was surprised to hear "The Climb" start to play when I opened her post. Normally I have my computer speaker off when I'm online, so I don't know if this is a regular feature of Keelie's blog. Let it be said that although I'm not typically a Miley Cyrus fan (even remotely), I do like this song a lot. And the lyrics really stopped me in my tracks.

You see, although it sounds rather silly, it's really bothered me that I was not able to do my first marathon this coming Sunday. It was my dream and I didn't accomplish it...it turned me upside-down much more than I knew.

So when I started hearing these words, it was as if a lightbulb was turned on in my head:
I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying, "You'll never reach it".
Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels
Lost with no direction, my faith is shaking
But I've gotta keep trying, gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.
The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but no, I'm not breaking.
I may not know it, but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, just gotta keep going.
And I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on.

It's all there. It's not even about the race. It's about everything that happens in between...and all this time I've been missing it.

Fall down seven times, get up eight...or eight thousand. I am getting up - again.

Ick...Sickly Sugar (? lbs...)

2011-05-20T16:24:00.000+03:00

Still hiding from the scale - I know I'm not holding myself accountable right now. I am just working on reeling in my emotional eating a little more and feeling some inner peace, and weighing feels like it would add unwanted pressure. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for motivating myself, but I'm not up for purposely torturing myself. I know I've gained...we'll see how much very soon. (To my credit, I continued to blog through this bumpy phase...when I stop blogging, well, then you know sh*t is hitting the fan. I have not abandoned myself altogether, and that is progress.)

Monday will be my first day back to running - I am so looking forward to it, but nervous that the pain in my leg will return...I am starting at the beginning of C25K again. I'm hopeful that it'll go well!

*************************

This morning I made "cake pops", mostly out of curiosity in my quest for a small side business, since they'd be a perfect birthday party treat (or a great one for kids to take home after a birthday party). (Cake pops are made out of crumbled cake mixed with frosting, then rolled into balls and put on sticks, like lollipops.) I made ones that look like cupcakes, simple because they looked so cute:

This is how they turned out - pretty, huh?

BUT...how did they taste? Way, way, way too sweet. Headache-inducing sweet. Sickly sweet. And that, coming from me, the sugar addict, says it all. They were inedible. Ick.

(As an aside, I know I made them properly. Moreover, everything was made from scratch, and individually, the cake and frosting tasted just fine. But everything combined? They were gross...It was too much layered on more of much-too-much.)

So for all you sugar fiends out there who get ideas in your head about how appealing something looks = it tastes good? Stop and think of this post. Many confections, such as these, are a mirage...a whole lot of sickliness.

I will not be foisting "cake pops" on anyone, ever. Ick, ick, ick.

(And the cod fish I baked last night, with a drizzle of olive oil and fresh lemon juice? Divine. There is hope for this sugar addict after all!)

Garden Therapy (?lbs)

2011-05-19T17:53:00.000+03:00

So I didn't weigh again today... you know what that means. I'm avoiding the scale. As in, I don't want to know because I've been eating nasty things. Fatty things, sugary things. Not huge quantities, but enough that it would show up. All a big red flag that something is bothering me.

Why have I been eating garbage? Well, I've been trying to figure that one out. I'm in a mental slump. Not running is taking its toll on me. I've been feeling lonely lately. And drumming up the stuff from my past is lingering in my head much longer than expected. Much, much longer than I want it to be there.

So what to do? Every time I "blow" it, I remind myself that I don't have to keep on self-destructing. So I stop, and re-start all over again. Again and again.

Last night, I was all set to eat some ice cream. But when I reached the kitchen I thought, "Well this is the crux of it...this is where I have to make the hard decision NOT to eat the ice cream" (I wasn't physically hungry, just tired and lonely). *SIGH* For a second, I felt somewhat scared - now what would I do? Taking a big breath, I turned around and marched back upstairs, brushed my teeth and went to bed. A small victory, but hey, I can use any help I can get at this point.

I've been feeling hemmed in by Moscow lately...I am dying to go walking in the park close to my house (naked swimmers, drunks, and all), but my fear of the wild dogs in there stops me from going. Call me crazy. So my freedom to go for a nice walk is severely restricted and it bugs the hell out of me. (Yes, I could go walking in the downtown area, but I wouldn't call walking on busy streets full of pushy people, crazy drivers, and tons of pollution relaxing!) It sounds corny, but I want trees and chirping birds, where the most you might get run over by is a bicycle (they cycle like they drive). But the dog thing? No go. No way.

That being said, I wanted to at least buy some flowers to plant in a couple of pots to put on our tiny front door step and balcony. So I ventured out to a completely different area of town where I found a giant new pleasant store called TBOI DOM ("Your house"). I managed to buy geraniums and lobelia to put into the pots...yay! It was nice just to see something different (that didn't repulse me). A part of me debated even getting them (around $30 worth) since I'm leaving late next month for the summer. But a bigger part of me needed something pretty to look at, so I got them!

For me, no better pick-me-up than to have some flowers around the house. I never buy anything for myself here, so this was a nice splurge. I could have denied myself those flowers, but instead I figured a little self-care was in order.

The best $30 (1000 rubles) I've spent in a while.

Russian Charades (159 lbs)

2011-05-17T18:07:00.001+03:00

Oh, it's a soggy 'ol day in Moscow. Lots of rain...the perfect day for curling up on the sofa and watching the first episode of this season's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"...oh my! (They started that one off with a bang.)

This morning I hauled myself over to a friend's house for a casual coffee get-together with some other expat ladies. We were laughing about how you often have to act things out here, like charades, if you can't speak Russian. Last year, we were out in a restaurant and wanted ice for our beverages (an uncommon request in Russia) - somehow we gestured "ice" (water...cold...tapped on the table to indicate a solid...) - when they finally understood, they brought us a giant bowl of it. I guess they figured we'd worked so hard to request the ice, we must have wanted a lot of it!

Then I told them about Mr. Debbie's recent experience of having to act out "athletic protector" in an attempt to buy one for our 7 year old son. Imagine it: holding up his fingers to show "small", then pointing at his crotch, then making a cup shape with his hands, then knocking on the hard surface of a counter or wall. And he had to do this at several stores! Ah, what you have to do when you don't speak the language...if only I'd had the video camera with me for that one. Priceless!

This evening's plan? Another friend is coming over to have margaritas (yes, I know - again!)...this time I won't drink as much, I promise...(I think...). My friend's mother-in-law is visiting her for two months, so I'm giving her a good excuse to get out of the house (we're having a "meeting"- topic? Unspecified!). haha

On the food front, things started off well this morning, but I had a big lunch this afternoon. Five more days until I resume running...in the meantime, my body is feeling quite rested. It's so nice not feeling all beat up by punishing workouts.

I've re-loaded "Nice Girls Finish Fat" (by Karen Koenig) into my Kindle - I inadvertently deleted yesterday when I was about to start reading it again. It's a great book for all us people-pleasers, and not too heavy (no pun intended) to read. If the rain continues tomorrow, my plan is to get cosy with that book.

Life feels good today, much more balanced than this past weekend.

Can't wait to run, run, run!!!

Drinkfest For One (159 lbs)

2011-05-16T18:08:00.000+03:00

This past weekend was beyond crazy - Mr. Debbie was out of town, so I ran myself ragged getting the kids to all of their activities on Saturday and Sunday, as well as sleeping overnight Sat pm on the hard gym floor with my son for Cub Scouts AND volunteering at the International Fair at the school. Oh, and I made/brought 2 dozen from-scratch maple cupcakes for the Canadian table. I'm tired just from typing it all...

Last night, I got those kids of mine into bed at 8 pm, and then made myself no less than three double margaritas. Armed with HBO via the Internet, I hunkered down and watched "It's Complicated". Pathetic "drinkfest for one"! (Funny thing, tequila...it gives me amnesia - I couldn't remember if I'd actually texted messages to Mr. Debbie or not...turns out I did. The night ended with me sending, "Thish ish tha lasht oneeee...". Nice.)

Thankfully, I managed to get up just fine this morning - the margaritas seemed like a good idea last night, but in the glare of morning, it felt sort of silly. Sort of.

Mr. Debbie has been gone since last Wednesday, and he won't be back until this Friday. The weekend proved way too much for me to handle - I tried to do it all and make everyone happy - except me! Why-oh-why do I think I have to live up to some imagined idea of SuperMom? But to cut out any of the activities felt wrong, too, as though I'd be a bad parent by not carrying on with everything. Some moms can handle more than others before they reach the cracking point. I like to think I'm sort of middle of the road, but this time I went beyond cracking, through bingeing (yes, it's true, there was that, too), and all the way to drinking. Eek.

Today was much better. With the kids out the door to school by 8 am, my time to relax finally arrived. Too late to undo the self-inflicted damage of bingeing and drinking too many margaritas, but a clean start.

6 days until I can begin to run again. I'm praying everything is healed. I have to take it more slowly this time to avoid injuring myself anymore.

Tonight's beverage before bed? A cup or two of tea. The tequila, shot glass, and shaker have been banished back up into the cupboard above the fridge. Time to do some self-care instead of self-sabotage. I'm thinking my bedtime won't be much past 9 pm tonight.

And...We're All Back! (?) lbs

2011-05-13T20:17:00.000+03:00

Well, that was a weird hiccup in the blogging world, wasn't it? Makes me wonder why I don't switch to a different system....but then again, that would be a lot of work...

See? Even Blogger has "off" days. I'm just thankful the problem wasn't associated with being in Russia - that I was being muzzled by Russian Blogger or something.

Remember? Turkey has no Blogger - it was banned! So it's a relief that all systems are go.

Although I'm not pleased I lost yesterday's post (as did everyone), I'm thankful it was only one post (fingers crossed).

I've seen ads for services that will publish all your posts in old-fashioned book form. Me thinks it's time to do so, just in case.

Anyone know a good blog publisher? Have a great weekend!

Happy Things (158 lbs)

2011-05-12T15:06:00.000+03:00

The cloud has lifted - woohoo! I'm feeling good today. Normal. No angst, gloom, or doom. Ahhhhh.

Here are Five Things That Are Making Me Happy today:

1. My body doesn't hurt. Anywhere. That hasn't happened in many, many months.

2. I looked at some photos of me taken on Mother's Day - I don't look nearly as horrible in them as I felt. I didn't look half-bad/too fat, and that was a pleasant surprise.

3. There was skim milk available at the store today...not usually a big deal anywhere else, but here, it's rare. So yipee for skim milk!

4. It suddenly dawned on me that my binges (when they occur) have decreased dramatically in length and severity. More importantly, somewhere along the way, I've managed to drop the "now-I've-blown-it, might-as-well-keep-eating" mentality. Full-blown binges no longer carry over from one day to the next, and rarely last more than an hour or two. In my world, that's huge!

5. I feel more anchored in the present than I have in a long time. Although I'm annoyed that I've self-sabtoged myself into maintaining for quite a while, I am quick to remember that two years ago, I would have killed to be 158 pounds. When I find myself longing for the day when I'll be finished with trying to get to (and stay at) a healthy weight, I just need to stop and appreciate what I my life is like right now. Being 126 pounds will not make me happier than being 158 - I know that now. My life will pretty much look the same day-to-day as it does now...I'll just be wearing cuter clothes!

Same feet on the same path - the weather and scenery around me keep changing, but I'm not off in the ditch or stuck in a pothole. I might have slowed to a stroll lately, yet it gives me time to appreciate what is already around me.

Respite (158 lbs)

2011-05-11T15:46:00.000+03:00

Lesson learned! Sometimes you need a hand to hold when wading into an emotional minefield.

Geez, this completely surprised me. During this whole process of learning to "feel the feelings" and not eat, I've never had this completely overwhelming reaction. I blind-sided myself! How's that for nutty? I was unprepared, so I've backed away from those dark corners for a while. I know I can't brush it away forever, but now I know I'll need a back-up plan and someone to guide me through the process when I do re-visit those deeper issues. (And without a doubt, they do need to be re-visited!)

Having changed direction and focus, I feel much better. Perhaps I'm just kidding myself in the short-term, but I also don't feel upset anymore AND I'm not bingeing. There's something to be said for just carrying on in the middle of a well-traveled road.

In the past few weeks, I've felt pretty beaten up physically and emotionally...so I'm taking a short break. From everything. A break from Jillian. An imposed break from running. And now a break from going one step further in figuring out the roots of my emotional eating habits. Although it's against my nature, I'm taking my foot off the gas for a little bit.

Normally, I like to push myself - a lot. Sometimes being a little bit uncomfortable will bring desired changes in my life, and I'm okay with that. But lately, I've been pushing myself until I'm in a lot of pain, and that's not helpful. So for a short while, I'm easing up on myself - already, I feel...relieved.

Today I went for a pleasant 40 minute walk - 20 minutes to a market close-by, and 20 minutes back. The sun is shining and everything looks green and fresh, even in dirty 'ol Moscow. Just plain old walking - not running, not thinking, or planning. Just walking and enjoying a lovely spring day.

The irony of all this is that it never fails - it's in the bad times that I learn the most. And today I feel like most of this rocky period is behind me. The miracle is that I'm still not stuck in binge mode. Even in the crappiest times, I'm still moving forward...and no one is more surprised about that than me.

Whether I like it or not (mostly not), I learn something from every relapse. Changed, but stronger.

Pandora's Box (160 lbs)

2011-05-10T19:26:00.000+03:00

Yes, there it is again...yesterday was not a pretty day in Debbie Land.

**Warning** The following is just a mental flush - not inspiring, not uplifting. If you'd rather by-pass reading yet another (literally) Debbie Downer post, then stop here.

**********************

I have discovered a big drawback to digging around in the past, dredging up my feelings about my adolescence (with Mother's Day lumped on top)...it triggers me to emotionally overeat.

Someone should warn you that when you feel stuff you've been avoiding, even (perhaps especially?) if it's from 25 years ago, you may be very likely to binge. Or become quite depressed, or both.

I'm not saying that the bingeing behaviour is back to stay - after secretly eating a giant bag of chips, two big chocolate bars, and about 8 chocolate chip cookies, I didn't feel well. In fact, several times, I almost threw up. So dumb...I know better than this...was I expecting to feel good after shovelling all that in? I think not.

On some level, I was feeling deprived of something, something from deep down, so I attempted to stuff it down with all that food.

Today I feel awful, and most of it is mental. Not in the way that I normally do - I don't feel that all is lost with weight control or being on/off track. No, it goes deeper than that - to the point where I just don't even feel like eating at all.

I'm not posting this to garner sympathy or anything else...I've written it for myself, since it's part of figuring all of this stuff out. Maybe to warn myself before I blindly step into a minefield again.

I feel reluctant to continue looking at the painful parts of my past without having some sort of trained support ready to help me sort it all out. Mr. Debbie has no idea what to say or do.

Delving into this murky stuff is not for the faint of heart. I naively ventured to dip my big toe into the boxing ring, and was promptly handed my a$$.

This is not what I was expecting. It will get better, but I just want to cram all that is painful back inside.

The problem is, of course, it won't fit back in. And it shouldn't. But right now I don't know what to do with this mess.

Covering Up the Ugly (?lbs)

2011-05-09T18:54:00.000+03:00

Today is yet another holiday in Russia - this time it's "Victory Day" - an annual celebration of Russia's victory over Nazi Germany. There's a giant parade and a LOT of drinking around the clock (we saw people passed out on a grassy area on the side of the road yesterday at 11 am, more weaving around drunk in front of the cafe where we were having Mother's Day brunch around noon).

In past years, if the forecast was for poor weather on Victory Day, the ex-mayor used to have the Russian Air Force spray the clouds around Moscow with a mystery chemical (reportedly cement, silver iodide and something else), so that the clouds would release their moisture (and God-knows-what), producing a clear sky for the parade. (A couple of years ago, he wanted to do the same thing all winter so that it wouldn't snow in Moscow.) Sounds unbelievable, right? But no...it's true.

Here's the link: http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2009-10/moscow-mayor-pays-russian-air-force-wage-war-winter

People who lived here before me told me that you could actually see a tell-tale fog in the air lingering after they'd sprayed. SCARY. Thankfully, that mayor is gone now, and he never officially divulged what they'd sprayed on the clouds. Hopefully, there is no more spraying...but for the record, today was cloudy this morning, and then turned sunny about 10:30 am. The rest of the day was cloudless. Spooky....it's days like this that makes me re-visit the question: Why did we move to Moscow???

And we wonder how the planet got so messed up...

Since it's been a holiday weekend, I haven't had much opportunity to get my act together. I am dying to go running, even if it's on a treadmill. I still have to wait two more weeks before my rest/recuperation period is over- arghhhh. Luckily, I haven't felt anything in my knee/leg where I have the stress fracture and messed up IT band. This is good - I just need to be patient.

On a related running note, a friend of mine here has just returned to running after a lengthy break (due to various injuries). Being more gutsy than me, she has returned to running in that nearby park with the wild dogs. She went this past Saturday (a fairly warm day) and got to the middle of the park, where many Russians go swimming in a couple of small lakes. The thing is, no one brings a bathing suit, they just strip off (even old ladies) down to the buff and in they go...so sure enough, my friend got an eyeful - full frontal male nudity, except for a sock he'd donned on his *ahem* appendage. (I have been witness to such things in there, too...) That water would still be pretty cold (not to mention polluted). He probably emerged with considerable shrinkage, and perhaps a third testicle?

Five weeks until I go back to Florida. And counting.

Plunge into Oblivion (156 lbs)

2011-05-06T20:14:00.000+03:00

I've been re-reading parts of Geneen Roth's "Breaking Free from Compulsive Overeating"...a very useful book, even though it was published almost 20 years ago.

In her section on bingeing, she asks for the reader (me) to make a list of things I love to do - meaningless, frivolous, irresponsible things. She calls this a "plunge into oblivion" (that is not food or drink), and she says it is a big step in preventing binges. For 15 minutes a day, for a week, I am to do something utterly meaningless and fun, just for me.

My "Plunge Into Oblivion" list:

1. Watching "The Real Housewives of _______". I watch them all - pure indulgence.
2. Blogging and reading blogs - always fun and I always learn something new.
3. Running (usually) - I realized today when I tried to meditate that running is the closest thing to meditation for me.
4. Rubbing thick cream on my feet, then putting on socks, and just lying on my bed for about 20 minutes until the cream soaks into my skin
5. Flipping through "People" magazines, when I have access to current ones...

What are your favorite non-food ways to plunge into oblivion?

Peeling Back the Layers (157 lbs)

2011-05-05T15:25:00.000+03:00

My hamstrings are killing me! How is it that I could run over 20 km every week and not feel anything in those muscles, but do a few days of Jillian Michaels, and I can't bend over and pick stuff up? Very. Weird.

Since Advil was required for my hurtin' today, I decided to forgo Jillian and take it easy for a day or two. Although my brain is yelling, "You must do it - it's on the plan!", my body says no. All-or-nothing thinking is a tough one for me to drop.

Since I've had a pretty low-key day, I've had some time to think about my inner-child some more and what all that means. I've realized that it is actually my inner adolescent that needs some help...and that yelling voice in my brain I just mentioned? All that yelling has been directed at "her" for years. When I stepped back, I know the adult in me would never yell at anyone in the way I yell at her. All the voices from the past that made her believe she just wasn't good enough are all joined in unison in that yelling disapproving voice - and it needs to stop. The adult me needs to take care of her now.

I've been thinking about how during my adolescence, food became a way to meet my needs in an unlimited, indulgent way when my real needs were ignored or minimized. I might not have had a caring hand to grab onto when I needed help, but I could grab onto food, as much as I wanted and the more forbidden in nature, the better.

So that's what I've been thinking about today...so many dark things to think about on such a sunny spring day. Yet, I must recognize something very important...I have never really wanted to think about the time I was a young teenager for very long. Painful. And a certain feeling of helplessness. When I'd get close to thinking about these topics, you know what I'd do...go and eat. Not today.

So this is progress...things are clearer. Brighter. Somehow, I am figuring out how to take care of that younger, inner me. She doesn't need food. She needs love.

Silver Lining (157 lbs)

2011-05-04T14:37:00.000+03:00

I'm annoyed with myself...I am within 30 pounds of finishing this thing...and I have been stuck for way too long. I just keep recycling the same 10 pound range - and I've been doing that for quite a while.

Some might call it maintenance...and yes, maintenance is my ultimate goal, but not at this size. It's too soon. I'm not obese, but I'm not staying within the upper limits of a normal weight range for a 5'4" woman, either. Chunky-monkey purgatory.

Although I feel the skin on my mid-section is slightly firmer and I feel stronger than 2 weeks ago, you really can't see any difference.

I know, I know. It's only been two weeks. I haven't given it my 100%. I've been snacking at night - not horrible, but more than I want to. (Last night, I did NOT do that...I nipped it in the bud, so there's that.)

What am I in such a rush for all of a sudden?

I'm sick of wasting time of not wearing exactly what I want to be wearing and feeling my best. I know there is no magical thing that will transform me into a happier/smarter/more fulfilled person when I hit a certain number on the scale...I only had to experience that disillusion once.

Okay, enough of this negative talk. Glass half-full? I am living in a more authentic way than I ever have been. I am fairly physically fit. Injury aside, I have resumed my life as a runner. I have learned to put the lid on my habit of emotional eating more than I ever thought possible, and with that comes a sense of freedom. When I fall off track, I'm able to pick myself up and get back into the groove with much more speed and self-assurance. And I'm getting better at it all the time.

Yet...I want to stop playing with these last 20-30 pounds. Perhaps this is a whole new phase I've never considered before. It's a middle ground I've never stayed in for very long - maintaining at an almost normal weight - relatively unheard of in the history of Yo-Yo Debbie. I've always been going up (and up) or going all the way down.

I am not seeking perfection, just normalcy. N-o-r-m-a-l.

*Lightbulb* It has just hit me - I have maintained because I haven't been obsessed with losing weight or food. I've been focused on other things - running, my social life, my part-time marketing job, my family...other stuff. It's a tricky balancing act - in order to lose the rest of the weight, I need to focus on it a little more, but not so much that it gets in the way of living life. When I get too strict, controlling everything that goes into my mouth with military precision (because I am capable of that), there always comes a day when I crack and it all goes to hellicopter. All or nothing...and that's no way to live.

All this time I've been maintaining my weight, I've been learning to balance my life. I haven't been wasting time...I've been learning to balance my life. That is huge!

No, I'm not done yet, but suddenly I can see the silver lining of this unintentional, extended maintenance phase.

And you know, when I started writing this post, I was annoyed with myself...and now I feel okay. Within 10 minutes of typing I have managed to change my outlook - all by myself!

All this time I thought I was going nowhere, spinning my wheels instead of finishing what I started - turns out I have been moving forward towards my goal all along...sometimes just I need to step back and look at the changes that have occurred between my ears. And no scale can measure that.

Back to Normal (156 lbs)

2011-05-03T14:26:00.000+03:00

Yeah, I'm at a standstill in the weight department right now. TOM is a factor. Eating a little more than what I should later in the day is a big factor. Have I gotten in my own way a little? Absolutely...but I'm still going forward.

Last Thursday I was at the World Figure Skating Championships (amazing skating!)

and Friday was spent trying to catch up with stuff that needed to get done before the weekend. The weekend is always chaos (Saturday was also spent at the World's), and then Mr. Debbie was off from work yesterday for some sort of Russian holiday (which I should know the name of...). The kids did not have the day off from school, so we spent a rare day together - just the two of us. It was wonderful! We even went on a two-hour walk in the park where the wild dogs live (my husband brought a kitchen knife in his backpack, so I felt safe), but we only saw 3 dogs in total...and they were all sleeping.

If you look closely, in the center of the path you can see one of the dogs. The little buildings are where old men hang out, playing cards and drinking.

There were tons of Russians in the park who were probably more dangerous (!) - one guy was teetering from side-to-side on the path in front of us, loaded drunk at 1 pm...wow.

On a semi-related note, I tried Pimm's (#1?) for the first time at a friend's cocktail reception on Sunday evening...I loved it! (A staple in many British households, I'm told). It had a pleasant sort of gin/fruity taste. Ironically, of all the enormous vats of alcohol sold in Russia, Pimm's is not available here. It figures. Oh, perhaps it's just as well...but I know what I'll be buying at the duty-free when I pass through London late next month.

Today, everyone is back to normal (at work and school), which means I am am back to my regular schedule of having time to blog, catch up on a few TV shows, and work out. Happily, the Ripped in 30 DVD (Week 1) has gotten slightly easier, so I reviewed Week 2 and I'm up for the challenge to try that on Wednesday. Six Week 6-Pack is tomorrow again.

Sometimes just getting back in the normal routine is just what I need to save me from myself. Back on track - again!

Feeling Good (156lbs)

2011-04-27T17:26:00.000+03:00

So how is the Ripped in 30/Six-Week 6-Pack regime going? Pretty well, now that my neck has stopped hurting (as in, I was using my neck too much to assist all that ab work). Either my neck has gotten stronger or I've stopped using it to strengthen my abs (hopefully that latter!).

A week and a half into it, I've definitely found all my weaker areas - I was surprised that even with all the running I was doing, my hamstrings weren't as strong as I thought. Not so surprising that my upper body needed help, but I feel stronger/less sore. It is now safe to put the Advil away - until next week, when I move up to Level Two in Ripped in 30 (I will be doing it until I go back to FL, so it's more like "Less Flab in 60 Days".

I forgot to say I went to the chiropractor while I was in FL - always scary when you're seeing a new chiropractor - I'm never sure if I'll emerge feeling better or irreparably damaged by a quack. Luckily, the guy knew what he was doing - after a lot of crunching and cracking and adjusting, my back/neck/shoulders feel really good. It probably helped those areas that I stopped running to nurse my knee injury, too.

Oh yes, I definitely feel the benefits of having had the cortisone shot in my knee. Although it was very uncomfortable at the time, now I can go up and down the stairs without it bothering me. 3 1/2 more weeks of rest, and then I can go back to some running again - I hope. I think I'll re-start by walking/running on the treadmill, as it lessens the impact and it's not banked (both factors in getting me to my lovely stress fracture).

It kills me to think of my race packet on Marathon Day just sitting there, unclaimed. (You can't get a refund...) Oh well, there's always next year, right? Maybe my old bones will be stronger by then, and maybe my IT band will surrender. I definitely want to do the Disney Princess again next February - I LOVED it!!!

Oh, I miss running! The weather has suddenly turned quite nice here in Russia, and the days are getting very long (don't forget, we almost have white nights here in Moscow in the summer). As it is, the sun rises around 5 am, and sets around 9:30 pm. By the time I leave in late June, the sun will still be glowing on the horizon after midnight and rising again by about 3:30 am - very weird! I bought blackout fabric in the US for the bedroom windows back in February...it's been a godsend. Last year around this time, the kids were annoyed they had to go to bed when it was still sunny out - even though it was 9 pm! Now, it's almost cave-like in everyone's rooms, so it's much easier to get them to settle down.

Tomorrow I am going to watch the World Figure Skating Championships here in Moscow- woohoo! If you happen to see any of it on TV, I'll be wayyy up in the crowd waving a Canadian flag. I'm sure the Russians will love that! I get to go again on Saturday - exciting (and expensive), but something I love.

Have a great Wednesday!

What Does She Need? (157 lbs)

2011-04-26T16:17:00.002+03:00

It's been interesting, this past day or so, to be looking so often at my 4th grade school photo. My first impulse is always "ick", even just glancing at it - it is a hard picture for me to look at.

However, once I force myself to look myself in the eye (42-year old eye to 10-year old eye), I feel puzzled. What do I (the 10-year old) need? What can I do now that might make the younger me feel better?

A couple of times I've looked at my picture and told her, "You will be okay". Twice I said, "Don't be sad...", but of course the me in the photo still looked sad. Hard.

Oddly, I took my photo with me on some errands again today. I said goodnight to that piece of Kodak paper last night. A few times I even held it close to my heart, just wishing I could have changed how things were back then. Of course, I can't change any of it, but I feel as though I'm being present for "her", staying close by, just in case she needs help.

The 42-year old me feels motherly and protective of her, even though she's an ugly duckling. I know she's a good kid. The present-day me wants her to know I'm by her side, behind her every move. I want her to feel special. Cherished.

Other than that, I don't know how to help her, and she doesn't know how to help herself. She hadn't learned to overeat yet to stuff all of it down. The self-consciousness is written all over her face.

********************

I have no idea how long I'll be doing this. It may sound strange to be carting around my 4th grade photo, talking to a younger version of myself. Yet, it feels right.

Earlier today, out of the blue, I thought, "This is what I've been trying to fix all these years".

Is it? I don't have the answer to that yet, but something tells me it's worth exploring a little more.

Stuck in 4th Grade (157 lbs)

2011-04-25T16:41:00.001+03:00

This past weekend I watched the first 3 episodes of "Addicted to Food" (on Oprah's new network, OWN). It is about 8 people trying to beat their eating disorders (compulsive overeating, bulimia, and anorexia), and the therapist is Tennie McCarty (who was on a couple of episodes of "Ruby" last year).

Although I didn't know much about the show before viewing it, I am blown away by how much of it hits home. There were quite a number of times I had to pause the DVR to stop and think about what they were saying or doing.

One thing that struck me was the theme of "wanting what you want when you want it" (eg a binge), and when you don't get what you want when you want it, some very child-like behaviour comes out. Tantrums. Pouting. Refusing to eat. Sulking. Crying...Over food.

Between this show, and something I read recently about the association between bingeing and low frustration tolerance, my mind started ticking...where was I in all this?

I can see that sometimes I do "want to have what I want when I want it", and when I can't (frustration), I'm walking time-bomb to binge, especially if several frustrations occur within a short period of time. Then I want a "treat" or a reward, as compensation for not getting what I want or need.

I know it sounds like psycho-babble, but I think after watching those shows, I can see this child-like behaviour stems from unfinished business from my childhood.

I can pinpoint exactly when I transitioned from a happy little girl to a not-so-happy one...the year I moved to a different town and hit puberty - very early - fourth grade.

Just out of curiosity, I dug out my school pictures from that time, and I noticed something I never saw before: the 3rd grade photo is a girl beaming, smiling so much, I look as though I might jump out of my skin in happiness.. And in the 4th grade picture? I managed to only have a slight smirk on my face, no teeth showing, head down. I looked sad. And I can see in that photo I looked ashamed - embarrassed of my growing body and my big nose. Self-conscious. I never saw this remarkable difference until today.

The strange thing is that even at the age of 42, I'm still embarrassed about how I looked then. I've only shown the photo to a few people. I've kept it hidden away all these years, still uncomfortable about how I looked as a 10 year-old girl.

As an experiment, I am keeping this 4th grade photo of myself in a spot where I see it often - on my kitchen counter.

It's a bit difficult for me to look at this picture, but I think it's important for me to embrace this image of myself. I want to give my little-girl self a big hug and tell her that I'm okay, just as I am. No more hiding her away.

Already today, I saw my little-girl self photo on the counter as I headed out the door to run an errand. I was surprised to find my first impulse was to take "her" with me - I thought, "No, you were left home alone enough as it was...".

Sure enough, that's true, now that I recall it. I'd forgotten that.

Perhaps all of this sounds a bit nutty, and maybe it is. However, I'm going more on how it feels. There is a part of the adult me that wants to take care of that little self-conscious girl inside.

I have no idea where this will lead me, but already I feel more connected to myself somehow, on a deep level.

My inner 4th grader felt like she had to go it alone. I feel as though I've gone back to hold my own hand. Today, the adult in me took care of that sad little girl.

Doing It My Weigh (155 lbs)

2011-04-21T15:01:00.000+03:00

Yesterday, one of my readers, Katie, asked me if it is necessary to weigh myself everyday. Hmmm....it made me wonder. Why do I weigh myself everyday? Is it necessary? (Katie - sorry, I looked for your link, but couldn't find one.  If you send me a message, I'd be happy to include it!)

I found myself worrying that maybe I was a little too obsessive (obsessing over being obsessive?) about the weighing part. However, when I really stopped and thought about it, I realized I don't use the weigh-in's as a measure of good/bad or let it dictate my mood for the day, but more as a tool. Just as others write down every scrap of food they eat, tallying up points or calories, photographing every meal, or keeping a workout log, I track my weight.

Here are the main reasons I weigh every day:

- Knowing I will be stepping on the scale keeps me accountable. I'm less likely to overeat or snack on extra stuff if I know I'll be weighing-in the next day. When I stop weighing for days (and historically, weeks, months, and years) on end, it's usually a big red flag that I've fallen off track. The daily weigh-in is a reality check - a sign I'm in the here-and-now. In the past, I've even hidden my scale from myself when I've been in major binge-mode (eg. two years ago). I'd think, "Oh, I don't want to think about my weight"...my own special form of denial. When I weigh myself regularly, I know I'm not hiding from myself, but rather facing things head-on.

Have you ever seen those big scales by the front doors of a supermarket? My kids love them - they are thrilled if they have gained weight, excited to know they're growing. My son will proudly proclaim, "I weigh 56 pounds!"

I am always intrigued by the adults who confidently step on those public scales. I've never been able to take that leap. I want to be one of those people who marches into the supermarket and steps on that big 'ol scale by the front door, unafraid of my weight being seen by others. Unafraid of my kids shouting, "Our mom weighs 140 pounds!" (because they will...they already tell everyone they meet how old I am and other personal details. Lucky me.)

- Have you ever read the book "Thin for Life" by Anne Fletcher? (It's about how once-overweight people have kept off their excess pounds.)  After extensive research, they've found that most of the people who maintain significant weight loss (a big goal for a yo-yo dieter like me!) weigh themselves daily. That fact has stayed with me ever since I read it. Somewhere along the way, I figured I'd better face the music and do it, too. It's probably just a psychological trick I play on myself to make me think I'll eventually be one of those "loser-maintainers", but hey, it motivates me.

- Recording my weight with each blog post actually helps me track my behaviour patterns. Over time, I can look back at blog entries from 6, 12, 18 months ago and see how I was doing when I was sad, or happy, or whatever. I can also see how long it takes me to recover from setbacks/relapses...and happily, it is taking me less time to get back on track when I wander away from mindful, healthy eating. I like to see the progress, and my weight usually reflects those trends.

- Daily weigh-in's reveal all sorts of crazy, nonsensical fluctuations - some within my control, many others completely beyond explanation. I've seen my weight jump up 5 pounds overnight for no apparent reason. My day isn't destroyed by such a thing...if I know I've been sensible with what I've been eating, I know these upswings are temporary. Even sometimes amusing! That being said, if I only weighed in once a week, it would be my luck that the day I weigh-in is the very day my weight has an uptick for no reason. Then I'd be questioning whether what I was doing was effective for weight loss or even maintenance.

(I wish I could just go by the fit of my pants, but the washer and dryer I have here in Russia shrinks everything...the same size 12 jeans have fit me for the past 30 pounds...they keep shrinking, even as I'm shrinking. I have the exact same jeans in a size 8 (which haven't been worn/washed nearly as much) - they are now the same size as the 12's, and at one point, they were bigger than the 12's!).

In case you might be wondering, I don't weigh myself more than once a day - I don't see the point in that. Weighing even every second day is reasonable, and I do that sometimes...but once a week is too small of a snapshot to keep me on track and motivated.

It may sound a little crazy, but I have to say that daily weigh-ins keep me working on losing just one pound. Right now, I'm at 155 lbs. I'm not thinking I'd like to lose another 25 pounds or so. I'll even take 10. All I'm working on is getting to 154. One pound. It usually takes a few days, but eventually it shows up. Then I'll work on losing the next one, and getting to 153. Trying to lose 75-80 pounds over months (and years!) - my overall goal - sounds scary and daunting. Losing one pound over about 3-4 days...well, I know I can do that without seriously depriving myself.

For me, it's one more way to break down weight loss (or exercising or changing my emotional overeating habits) into something manageable.

One meal at a time, one day at a time, one workout at a time, one pound at a time.

Daily weigh-in's work for me. They work well for some other people, too (I've has a few people ask if they could "copy" me by putting their weight in with their blog post titles - no problem!).  Quite a number of people have said that they appreciate it when my weight goes up for no reason...it just proves that weight is an ever-changing thing, influenced by so many other things we aren't aware of. And many other people weigh weekly, or monthly, or not at all, or measure themselves, or just go by how their clothes fit.

Daily weigh-in's for other people may be the kiss of death - I can only do what works for me.

Weekly weigh-ins or not weighing at all cause me to drive myself off into the ditch. Maybe when I've maintained my weight within a healthy range for a year or two, I'll be able to toss the scale, but for now it's one of the tools I use to stay accountable.

***********************

I had to mention, I'm truly feeling the after-effects of yesterday's Ripped in 30 workout. It's obvious I was breaking good form because my neck muscles are sore, even under my tongue!

Well-developed sub-lingual and neck muscles are not part of the plan...and I haven't even done Six-Week 6-Pack yet today!

Before "Ripped in 30" Photos (155 lbs)

2011-04-20T15:47:00.000+03:00

At the end of this post, you will see the flabby "before" shots...not horrible, considering where I used to be, but certainly not "ripped"!

So, yeah...the extra water (and hopefully some fat) is still draining out of me. "Flushing" is probably the best word - drinking 3L of water/day plus some coffee here and there has me constantly running to the bathroom to pee. So this weight loss is definitely not out of dehydration (my kidneys are smiling - no more stones for this lady).

This is the third day of reeling in my eating...so far, so good. I've had a couple of instances where I've reached for a piece of something (like a chicken nugget left untouched on my son's dinner plate), actually had it in my hot little hand, and then threw it away upon realizing what I was doing (eating crap in impulse). That happened about five times yesterday, but each time I caught myself before it was too late. Yay me for undoing these mindless habits!

I've also broken out my sugarless bubblegum again - back to chewing that when a sugar craving hits and I want to chomp on something when I'm not physically hungry. I went through about 6 pieces yesterday, but I know these cravings will diminish once I get all the processed/sugary residue cleared out of my system (like a hangover from eating willy-nilly for the past couple of months).

It's sort of funny (uh, not really) how well I know this "restart process" now. I've figured out some fairly predictable patterns in how I react to resuming a cleaner way of eating. It takes about a week or so...it's not particularly fun, yet I feel so much better almost immediately. I want sugar, I miss sugar, the impulse to have a snack strikes about a million times a day, but within a week or two, it all fades and the momentum of better eating takes over. Detox.

After one session of Ripped in 30 and one session of Six-Week 6-Pack, I can feel where every weak muscle has been worked. Thankfully, all the running I did over the past few months strengthened my quads, hips, butt, and sides of my core. (I recall when I started the 30 Day Shred last fall, I had to practically crawl up and down the stairs. I'm sure I loosened more than one handrail. Now? Not a problem!)

So where are my weak spots? Triceps, chest. Center ab muscles, plus my transverse ab muscles (which I have never felt in my life until last night!). Oddly, my hamstrings hurt, too (I thought they'd be stronger from running. Not so.).

I woke up in the middle of the night with a Charley horse in my right calf/foot, causing me to jump out of bed and hop around on that leg in the dark. I haven't had a muscle cramp like that in a long time - Tonight I'll be stretching those suckers out before hitting the hay.

It's weird, but after only two days, I think I can see slight differences in my arms and mid-section...or maybe it all just looks that way to me because I'm so aware of every little strained muscle fiber right now.

To make sure I'm not imagining my progress with Jillian's workouts, this time I'm taking photos. (I regretted not doing that before/after the 30 Day Shred last September/October). Please excuse the color contrast between my mid-section and lower/upper thirds...This 'ol belly hasn't seen sunlight in a while. (Its pasty-ness accentuates all the flab - how nice!) This is my midriff's debut on the Internet - hopefully the last time it will look like this until I'm really old.

So there I am, all ready to be ripped and shredded and in desperate need of a six-pack on my abs, rather than a six-pack of donuts in my belly.

(Day 2 of Ripped in 30 is now complete - I did it right after I took these pics. Not as bad the second time around...it always helps to know what to expect.)

Tortured Toes (156 lbs)

2011-04-19T14:46:00.000+03:00

So - the "day after" verdict on Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30? In a word: Owwwwwwwwwww.

Her new video is every bit of an a$$-kicker as the 30 Day Shred. My arms hurt. My hamstrings hurt. My abs hurt. Post-workout angst = effective workout in my demented world - so...it's a keeper!

Since I am wary of stressing out my already stressed-fractured left leg, today I will just do her 6 Week Six-Pack ab DVD. The "ripper" will return tomorrow.

Happily, the scale has responded kindly to my detox back-to-basics eating plan (most of it was just extra water I was retaining, plus since I have stopped running, my leg muscles are probably releasing extra water, too). But you know, I'm not going to argue with a drop. I'll take it!

While I was in Florida, my injured toenails finally started to fall off. I lost one on my left foot, with one still about to come off. And I lost two on my right foot, with my pinky toe (a lovely purple that is NOT polish) showing signs of imminent nail loss in the weeks to come.

My big toenails on both feet have also not fared well, but are both damaged only halfway across (thus their fate is unknown). Verdict? Of my 10 toenails, only 3 escaped unscathed by the ravages of running with old/too-small sneakers a few months ago.

They will grow back, but a pedicure with polish is a long way off...it's just as well...I have 59 days to use up before going back to Florida, and I can't find anywhere here in Moscow that does pedi's anyway. (They're funny about feet!)

Too bad manicures weren't my thing (my fingernails are really soft, always have been, no matter what I eat/drink/do). Every manicure I've ever had has been ruined within the hour of having them done, so there's no point. Too bad, since there are lots of manicure places in the malls here. But pedicures? Forget it.

In the vein of further self-care this week, I'm making an effort to put on some make-up every day. My son was alarmed yesterday after school, asking if the babysitter was on her way to our house. Puzzled, I responded with a, "No - why?" He said, "Well, you have make-up on, and you only have that on if you're going out somewhere."

He was right, of course. Lately, I have been pretty plain-faced, so I am endeavouring to look a little more presentable, even if I'm not going anywhere. Out of the mouth of babes.

Now, off I go to do my ab-torturing workout with Jillian...something tells me Advil will be required to deal with my post-workout condition tomorrow, just in time for the next installment of Ripped in 30.

I'm thinking she should combine the names of the workouts to "Ripped to Shreds"....

****************

If you look back to the beginning of this post, you'll notice I said I'll "just" do the 6 Week Six-Pack workout...big mistake...there is no "just" with Jillian Michaels...she kicked my butt again with the ab workout, too.

Might as well get out the Advil now.

Restart (159 lbs)

2011-04-18T16:21:00.000+03:00

After a whirlwind trip to Florida, I am back in Russia again...only 60 days left before school lets out for the summer - but who's counting? ha!

For the most part, I've been in pretty good spirits since getting injured/abandoning my marathon plans. The doctor confirmed what was suspected - stress fracture and IT Band Syndrome. I had to have an MRI last Thursday - it was 40 minutes long, and I fell asleep! No wonder when they took my blood pressure after the MRI (my nap), it was only 106/66. I'm sure the cortisone shot straight into my knee shortly afterwards made it go back up. The aftermath of the shot was painful, especially Thursday night (when I should have been packing to go home), but the tenderness is slowly subsiding in there.

As planned, I'm approaching this time as a re-set phase: getting back to healthier, intuitive eating, work on weight loss again, and doing some workout videos that won't affect my knee.

While I was training for the marathon, I really felt the effects of my increased fuel needs, so I was letting myself eat more than what I usually did. Nothing over-the-top in a bingeing way, but just more.

Now that the training is over and I won't be doing any running until my knee heals (about 6 weeks), it's time to reel it in. This is fine with me. I like how I feel when I'm eating properly/smaller meals/less snacks. Yet, I have to undo some little habits that I've developed of just eating whatever I want without paying attention.

So it's back to these basics:
- Eating what my body is asking for, not my mind

- Eating without distractions, (eg watching TV, reading, or playing with the computer)...otherwise my brain doesn't register that I've had a meal or snack

- Stopping after I've eaten reasonable portions, and then waiting at least 20 minutes before eating more. Most of the time, after those 20 minutes are up, I'm no longer physically hungry.

-Making sure I'm getting enough water (about 3L/day at this point)...sometimes my signal of thirst gets confused with hunger

- Cutting out refined sugar, so I don't get crazy cravings

- Eating real food, instead of low-calorie/fat-free chemicals that resemble food. I might have to eat much less of the real thing, but the satisfaction factor is much higher, so in the end, it works.

The first few days of reeling myself back in are always tricky...I always have strong cravings for sugary things, and I have to stop myself quite frequently as I find myself mindlessly drifting towards the kitchen. It's all about re-focusing and re-adapting to a healthier way of eating and dropping some silly mindless habits.

Today has been Day One of re-learning my good eating habits - so far so good. Once I get past the hump of these first few days, I know those impulses for mindless eating will weaken again.

I'm liking how I trust myself with this. In a weird way, the marathon training showed me how much discipline and drive I possess. I learned I can rely on myself - that I'm pretty strong on the inside. So weathering some changes in what I'm eating seems, er, like a piece of cake (sorry - couldn't help the pun). Well, most of the time, anyway. And I've gained a little bit of a different perspective...I don't feel helpless anymore to stop myself when faced with tempting foods...I know in a while the temptation will pass, and I'll be glad I made healthy choices for myself.

This afternoon I did the first day of "Ripped in 30" - Jillian Michaels new workout DVD.

It is similar to the 30 Day Shred in many aspects, but slightly different. In usual Jillian-style, she kicked my butt pretty fast. I was a sweaty beast gasping for air in those 30 minutes.

Post-workout, I feel okay right now (had to modify some of the moves to protect my knee) - the proof of how challenging it was will be tomorrow am, based on how sore my muscles are (and how my knee feels).

Although I've had a few moments of being bummed out (seeing people out running or hearing one of my running playlist songs), I feel energized about getting back to losing the last of the lard from my butt.

I might have delayed one big goal in my life by having to put the marathon aside, but I'm back to working towards my goal size/weight earlier than anticipated. When I return to running, I'll be at a lower weight, which may help prevent future injuries.

Win-win. In the past, I'm pretty sure I'd still be lying on the ground, having fallen off my intended path, wallowing in feelings of defeat. Bingeing like crazy.

Just goes to show that I am learning how to get up and move forward after setbacks. Although my impulse is to view all those weeks of training and running as wasted time and energy, I'm quick to remind myself of the valuable lessons I've learned in this process.

Getting up so quickly and moving on from this injury makes me realize that I was also training myself to push through the tough times. My knee might have been weak, but inside, I'm stronger than ever.

A New Plan (158 lbs)

2011-04-14T16:29:00.000+03:00

The bad news? I have a probable stress fracture in my left lower leg...that explains all the pain...I will have an MRI to confirm it this afternoon. And a cortisone shot into my left knee right after that - not looking forward to that.

Basically, my marathon plans for the end of May are off. It's been a tough pill to swallow, but when faced with the alternative - causing permanent damage which could possibly prevent me from running at all, I know what the right thing to do is.

Sometimes doing the right thing sucks - big time!

The good news (and yes there is some in this) - I haven't given up hope of ever running a marathon - it just won't be in the next few months. So, I've been searching for the brighter side of things. So I've come up with a list of my...

Top Five Things I'll Be Doing Instead of Training for the Marathon:
1. Getting my eating back in line - number one...since I will no longer be logging 40+km/week of running, my calorie requirements (and hopefully appetite) will be greatly diminshed. Back to intuitive eating...only more so. (And yes, I still haven't finished my little posting series on intuitive eating, so I need to do that!)

2. Weight training - one lower leg problem doesn't mean I can't work out the rest of my body. I sort of like weight training - being stronger and more toned are always good things.

3. Jillian Michaels' new DVD and a Pilates DVD (with a "Core Reformer" band system)...of course anything that will make my leg worse is out, but I can modify what I'm doing. I'll admit I've gotten sort of hooked on being/feeling fitter. I imagine how it would feel to not continue exercising...not an appealing prospect.

4. A slow return to running after the requisite rest time (about 6 weeks), and a return to running for fun.

5. Enjoying having more time to devote to other things...blogging, perhaps?

So my dream is not over, it is merely set aside for a while.

The thing is, even if it has to be permanently over, I still have my half-marathon I ran at the end of February as a goal I achieved.. Apparently, my body is okay with that distance, so perhaps there are many, many more of those in my future?

I decided to look at this like I do about my "goal weight". 126 pounds may not be realistic for me to achieve or maintain at this point in my life...if I "settle" for 135, does that mean I've failed? No. Will my life be less richer because I didn't go the distance to some arbitrary number? No.

The half-marathon vs. the full marathon is the same thing...not having run the full marathon doesn't diminish the achievement of my half-marathon (not to mention the subsequent weekly half-marathon distances I've been running to train for the marathon).

I pushed myself to the point when something broke. I know I tried my best, and I can live with that. I will not let a number define me.

On Sunday, after my ill-fated long run, we were driving to the beach. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something whizzing across the street, low to the ground. When I looked, I realized it was a man with no arms and no legs (just little stumps), riding a skateboard at top speed. Bathing suit on, no shirt, tooling around on that thing better than most people with all of their limbs intact.

Bam! There it was...immediately, I felt pretty silly for being so upset about the running. A big reminder to be grateful for everything I have.

Sidelined (158 lbs)

2011-04-11T15:02:00.000+03:00

The good news? I'm back in Florida...hot sunny weather....ahhhhhh. So nice! (It was snowing when I left Moscow on Friday, and will continue to do so all week while I'm away, according to the forecast.)

The bad news? I started out on my long 16 mile run yesterday (25.6 km), and about 40 minutes into it, my knee started bothering me again. Although I tried everything imaginable to make the pain stop, the only thing that helped was to stop running. 15.1 km into it, I couldn't run anymore. Nooooooooo.

Mr. Debbie was an angel yesterday - he went to CVS while I was running and bought me Gatorade and Nutella (and some chewy energy shots thingy's I couldn't chew fast enough). He met me around 8 km with the kids and loaded me up with all that stuff; it was so sweet of him. He knew my knee was bothering me already - he promised to meet me again within the next hour.

At 15 km I was already walking (sadly, my fast walking was almost the same pace as my painful running)...I started to entertain the idea of perhaps running what I can in the marathon, and then walking the rest of the way. But running about 15 km and walking 27 km is not what I had in mind for doing a marathon...at all.

Mr. Debbie looked concerned when he showed up this time - he'd bought some cooling spray for sore muscles for me...he sprayed it on. At first it felt really cold, and then it felt like the stuff was burning my skin. Searing hot. It was burning so much I had to pour my Gatorade all over my leg in attempt to make it stop! (My poor husband - he looked horrified that the spray was hurting that much...and he was trying so hard to help me. I think it might have been how the spray interacted with the sweat on my leg.)

At that point, I knew I was done, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

An ominous pattern is emerging - my knee is bothering me sooner and sooner into my runs. Today I will try to find a sports medicine doctor to have a look at me.

I'm afraid of what the verdict will be - no marathon. I know I can't run it with my leg feeling like this without doing some sort of permanent damage. Permanent damage that would stop me from running the rest of my life is not worth one marathon...but I spent the rest of the day yesterday trying hard not to feel crushed.

We'll see what the doctor says...

Sweaty Beast (157 lbs)

2011-04-07T20:20:00.000+03:00

Well, I started off today with achy muscles and on overall tired feeling...not good when you have 12.9 km to run, and no extra training weeks to spare! Instead of pressuring myself to do the run this morning, I figured I'd wait until early afternoon to see if I could do it. It wasn't hard to find things to fill my time - I finished gathering all my stuff I need to take to Florida (yes, that place again already!), computer work, and housework...by 1:30 I checked in with my mind and body - was I ready to run? Although I was a little scared, I decided to try. I told myself that doing anything was better than nothing, so off I went.

Here is my pre-run picture - boy, my eyes look tiny with no make-up! My shirt shows all the extra rolls of flab I still have, especially when wearing a sports bra, but oh well...and yes, the mirror needs to be cleaned (spots), but again, oh well...

I decided to run on the treadmill, since it was drizzly out and I figured the treadmill was a bit of a break compared to slogging it out on the road again.

The first half-hour was tough - I could feel how tired I was, but I pushed onwards. When I felt like I wanted to stop during minutes 30-60, I imagined myself running towards a clothesline that had a big sheet on it, then getting tangled up in the sheet (that's how it felt when I wanted to stop, like I was tangled up and couldn't move very easily). Then I imagined breaking free of the sheet and running out into an open space. That actually helped for a while. (It may sound weird, but if you try imagining it when you're exercising, you might see what I mean...or not....) My knee started nagging me, so I slowed down and kept telling myself, "Stay loose" - also helpful.

The final half hour flew by surprisingly quickly - I let myself take a little walking break (and gulped down my Gatorade) for a minute, then put the incline at zero (which I never do) and slowed the pace down even more. My achy knee just wasn't letting up, so the flat surface helped quite a bit. I also imagined I was running downhill - it sort of felt like that anyway, since I'm not used to running on a perfectly flat treadmill.

The goal was to run 12.9 km (8 miles), but in typical fashion, I went just a little bit further: 13 km. In the end, I was one sweaty beast:

See the shape of my sports bra outlined in sweat? haha

Tomorrow I get to relax for hour upon hour in an airplane - right now, that sounds pretty nice - I am exhausted.

My next run will be on the beach...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

MORE Progress? (157 lbs)

2011-04-06T15:20:00.000+03:00

Thanks for all the supportive comments yesterday - I had no idea it would be an inspiring-type of post! Most of the time, I don't even know what I'm going to write (like today) - it just all spills out into the computer somehow.

I'd like to say "welcome" to my new followers, too...thanks for reading!

Today, I ran 6.44km (4 miles) in a little over 42 minutes. Yeehaw! For me, that's pretty fast, so I am excited about that. My 'ol Garmin Forerunner seemed to be tracking things properly today, so maybe running the intervals (running/walking) messed up what it was doing? (I've had my Garmin since 2004 - although a lot of folks name their GPS, mine remains nameless. ("'Ol Faithful" is out...) I didn't even know what model it is until I looked this morning - a Forerunner 201. It is the old arm-band style; all the new ones are like wristwatches, I think.)

After Monday's run had such an unpredictable time/distance, Mr. Debbie suggested that maybe I should get a new Forerunner. Wow! (He also mentioned that he could use my old one as a GPS for when he goes windsurfing...I'm not really sure why he needs one for that, but who am I to argue?)

**********************

Remember last week when I was cleaning up the storage room, garage, and kitchen cabinets? Well, I think I've become a bit manic about it...yesterday was supposed to be a "rest day". Let me tell you, I tried to rest, but instead I went berserk - I went through my closet, my kids' closets, storage boxes, kitchen drawers, and part of a big bookcase. Over the weekend, the kids and I weeded out all the old toys they don't play with anymore. Organize, sort, and donate.

At this point, I'd say I know where 95% of our belongings are located...I've gone mad! I re-discovered the joys of my label maker last evening. It is sad when something like a label maker makes me happy...but it just does.

While cleaning up my little storage room in the basement, I re-visited my bins of still too-small clothes (they are 6's and 4's, and heck, the 8's in my closet are a tad too tight right now...). Some day, they will come out of those bins, and when I've reached my comfortable goal-size, if they don't fit, I'm just going to donate them. I'll know when I get to where I want to be.

Anyway, while I've been doing all of this running and cleaning lately, I've had plenty of time to finally think about and work out a plan for how to approach managing my weight/losing weight over the next few months.

For quite a while, I have been plagued with the dilemma of how to lose weight while training for a marathon.

I have realized that I cannot do both at the same time.

For me, the increases in energy-demands with all of this running have made me quite physically hungry at times (okay, a lot of the time) - the thought of trying to cut back on calories was scaring me...and then I was emotionally eating as a reaction. ( A little counter-intuitive...but there it is...who says emotional eating is logical, anyway??)

Basically, for now I just need to eat in a way to fuel my body to train properly. As soon as I realized this is what I need to do, it took away all the pressure I have been putting on myself, and as a result, my weight stabilized/dropped a bit and the emotional eating stopped. I know I will not gain weight if I continue eating/running in the way I am right now. I've found my way back to eating what my body is asking for - yay!

The marathon is at the end of May and when the marathon is finished, I've decided that's when I can go back to working on the weight. Since I'll be spending the summer in Florida again, I know I won't be running any more than 10km at a time, most likely less (the heat and humidity take away my will to even walk fast outdoors). My energy needs will be much less then - I think it might be a good time to join a Pilates class/do some treadmill running/re-visit the 30 Day Shred.

I know that typically weight loss and exercise should go hand-in-hand...but considering I'm training for a marathon, I felt I had to make a choice. And right now, completing the marathon is much more important to me than fitting into a smaller size.

Hey, to me, that last statement alone shows I'm making progress in this whole "ex yo-yo" process. I am more than a number on a scale or what size pants I wear...and it feels good.

More Progress Than I Realized (157 lbs)

2011-04-05T14:02:00.000+03:00

Yesterday I realized...I only started C25K October 19! For some reason, I thought I started in September...but it was more than halfway through October. Holy cow!

My Running Progress Summary:
I was able to run 5 km non-stop by December 8, and 10 km by December 31 (for the last day of 2010).

I ran my first 21 km (all on a treadmill) February 15, and my first half-marathon Feb 27th.

Last week I logged 43 km in total (5 km, 20 km, 12 km, and 6 km), and yesterday I ran somewhere between 22 and 24 km (it took quite a while -3 hours and 14 minutes...but more on that in a bit...).

From 0km to about 23km in 24 weeks. Holy crap! When I look back at how far I've come in 6 months, I feel very proud - this is what I've always wanted to do...and I'm doing it!

So yesterday's run...I made a little "long run survival kit" for myself, after hitting a wall of sorts during last week's long run (basically, I ran out of energy).

Since I can't get Gu or gel shots and that sort of thing here, I did some online research and decided to try Nutella in some little baggies (I did have one actual Clif gel shot packet, leftover from my last trip to FL). I spooned the Nutella into a little bowl and poured in some skim milk (to thin it out a bit) and microwaved it (so I could mix in the milk). Then I transferred it into two little Ziploc snack bags (and took some little scissors to snip open the bags...then all I had to do was squeeze it into my mouth). I also had some Gatorade and water. A towel to wipe off my face, if needed. Two (!) iPods (mine keeps quitting at the 2 1/2 hour mark, so I've put my playlist on my daughter's iPod, too, and I use hers when mine dies). My ancient Garmin Forerunner, and my Maui Jim sports sunglasses (they are light as a feather and don't fog up on me when I start sweating buckets).

I put all of this in a bag next to my front door (in case you didn't know, I run around a loop in my little gated community compound in Moscow, so I run past my house over and over again) - great for pit stops!

Here I am right before I started:

The jacket belongs to my husband - it's from when he ran the Dublin Marathon in 2004 (he had to stop running after that due to a lot of problems with his knees). You can't see it, but I was wearing a BondiBand, too - those things are amazing for soaking up all the sweat - it constantly ran into my eyes until I started wearing these bands.

For 3 hours and 14 minutes I went around and around the loop of my neighbourhood. I stopped every hour for my Nutella "Gu"/water/Gatorade/pee-break and to stretch a bit. Run 10 minutes, walk 1 minute, over and over. The first two hours felt pretty good physically and mentally. During the last 45 minutes or so, my left knee began to nag at me - a lot. But, I had to break past the 21 km mark. I HAD to. So I started saying to myself, "It's all in your head." That worked for a minute or two at a time, but then the pain would come back. When I eventually reached the point of limping both walking and running, I knew I had to stop, so I did. It was hard to even walk back to my house! (If it wasn't for my left leg, though, the rest of me felt pretty good.) And within an hour, I couldn't feel any pain in my leg at all...going up and down stairs was even fine. Weird how quickly it went away, but I'm glad it did!

I don't know my exact distance-somewhere btween 22km and 24 km is my guess - since my Garmin has been doing some strange things lately...oh well, I can't drive myself insane with not knowing the exact distance I covered...all I know is that I pushed myself until my body quit. It was my longest run in my life (so far!).

The great thing is that today I feel quite normal, maybe only a bit all-over tired (a nap would be nice). No muscle soreness. No knee pain. I am amazed that my body could do such a strenuous activity for over 3 hours one day and not be curled into the fetal position the next...

15 months ago, simply walking up one flight of stairs left me breathless. Walking 200 metres (one or two blocks) was enough to make me want to sit down and rest.

I still have no idea if I'm going to be physically able to finish the marathon...I have 54 days left of training. However, the great thing is that now I already know I have the mental toughness to go the distance.

I can run a whole half-marathon on a treadmill, going nowhere. I can spend 3 hours and 14 minutes running around a circle, still going nowhere. Call me crazy, but I figure if I can do those things, I can do just about anything.

Why I Live In Russia (158 lbs)

2011-04-01T15:29:00.000+03:00

I've been asked this question quite a lot recently, so I feel I must answer...why do I live in Russia???

Indeed, why do I live in Russia? I ask myself that same question every day. (Just kidding - sorta...) We moved to Moscow in August of 2009 for my husband's work. He works for an American company (and NOT the military, as a few people wondered). The reason for moving here was two-fold: it was a neat way to see a completely different part of the world AND (more importantly), we adopted our daughter (who is now almost 10 years old) from Russia when she was just 15 months old. When we were going through the adoption process (which included two trips to Russia in 2001), we never imagined we'd ever live here. Especially for her sake, it made sense...we could give her an opportunity to experience a part of her culture and background that would have otherwise remained quite mysterious (most North Americans don't make frequent family trips to Russia for fun...). She's learned to write in Cyrillic, takes Russian cooking and Russian dancing classes at school, and Russian is her foreign language elective - it is her best subject. She has Russian friends. It has given her a sense of connection that we never could have provided in any other way. This whole experience has incorporated Russia into our family as a shared experience. She will never wonder "I wonder what Russia is really like?" (And in the end? She says she "likes Florida better because it's warm and there's more fun things to do there"!)

Incidentally, my son (who is 7 years old) is biological...I got pregnant with him 6 weeks after we got home from Russia with our daughter - completely unplanned...and I didn't know I was pregnant with him until the end of the first trimester. Missing periods was not unusual for me, but I was doing the Atkins diet and felt sicker and sicker. Maybe I'd ruined my body or had a stomach bug? The doctor confirmed it by ultrasound (there he was - my little "stomach bug", waving his tiny arms and legs around). So, two kids added to the family within eleven months of each other, 2 years apart in age, a girl and a boy. Done!

Getting back to the Russia stuff, I'll answer three other questions I've been asked fairly regularly:

1. Will you always live in Russia? No, definitely not. We're here for a maximum of 5 years (we are nearing the end of our second year already), and who knows where we'll move after that, but it will be a first-world country for sure. I'm adventurous, but I also like to have a "home".

2. What is your house like? I live in a gated expat community (otherwise referred to as "The Bubble" or "The Golden Cage") in Moscow. All of the houses are very similar - they're townhouses designed (I think) by Ikea. Most are rentals, but I think a few Russians own their own - I can't even begin to imagine what they paid...the cost of housing in Moscow is among the highest in the world. Very modern looking, and mine is tall and skinny with a lot of stairs (I have to go up two flights of stairs to get from my front door to my kitchen). It's good to live in the Bubble at times, and then sometimes you just have to get out of the fishbowl...everyone knows everyone else's business pretty fast here - sometimes good, sometimes not so good.

3. Finally, Why are you always going to Florida? There are a lot of school breaks here (being an international school) - the kids are from all over the world - there were 20 kids from 14 different countries in my son's kindergarten class last year. And we're in Russia. So people leave here fairly frequently, and we like to go to Florida. Florida is the polar opposite of Russia in so many ways...climate, prices, food, friendliness of people, ocean and beaches vs. inland. The Land of Plenty vs. The Land of Nyet. Many of our friends here go to exotic places for their breaks (Thailand, Dubai, France, Austria, Greece....and on it goes). Many times we've entertained the idea of going somewhere "different" - and we did go to Egypt (before the big political problems there) - and when we start looking at all the factors (cost, kid-friendliness, etc.), we end up saying, "Let's just go back to Florida." So we do. We are still like all the other Canadian snowbirds who love to go to Florida. It just takes a lot longer to get there.

Hope that helped answer your questions - maybe it was more info than you wanted!

************************

Completely unrelated, I got outside this am and ran 12 km (a little over 7 miles). Just sun, no snow - woohoo! I'm happy to report that I don't feel exhausted after doing that...I CAN do this...I am kicking that stupid self-doubt in the arse! My eating has evened itself out, so I'm kicking the "binge-monster" that's been plaguing me for a while in the arse, too.

You can't see me right now, but there is a big grin 'ol on my face. Today is the beginning of April, the sun is shining, and I feel like myself.

Whatever you want to call the funk I've been in lately? It's over! *grin*

Googling Gu (159 lbs)

2011-03-31T14:08:00.000+03:00

Lululemon bag cleaned out? Check.

Mending done? Check.

Kitchen cabinets organized? Check. (And hey...I found the four boxes of Shake-N-Bake I'd been looking for, and a whole bunch of Ziploc bags! My kids love Shake-N-Bake chicken and you can't buy it in Russia...I'd brought some back from FL the last time I was there, but then I couldn't find it...voila!)

Garage cleaned up? Check.

The storage room will be addressed this afternoon, and then I'll be all done! Sometimes getting little things like this done makes all the difference.

Last night I started Googling some running and marathon-related questions I have...I think I keep running out of steam at the 21 km mark because my muscles have run out of energy (namely, I'm hitting the "wall"). The only problem is that I can't buy gel shots or Gu or any other sports energy stuff besides sports drinks here in Moscow. (I am definitely getting some Gatorade or Powerade for my next long run.) It would help if my muscles got stronger, too, but I just have to keep running to do that.

So what to do when you need Gu, but you can't buy it? Google "Homemade Gu"! (Well, you know, not the exact formula of Gu, but something that has a lot of instant energy in it.) Something sugary and not too hard to eat/digest when you're moving. I saw all sorts of suggestions: peanut butter and honey mixed up together (in a Ziploc bag so you can squeeze it out). Other suggestions had molasses in them, and even crushed Rolaids or Tums mixed in (for the calcium?). The suggestion I liked the most was: Nutella! Sugary, some calcium in it, and easy to put in a little Ziploc bag. On my next long run (this Monday), I'm going to try it. I may have to dilute it a little bit with something, but I'm not sure exactly with what yet...

Also on the Google list? How to overcome mental hurdles when the going gets rough...How to run through discomfort and when you should stop...Walking/running programs to complete a marathon (there was one that is 3 minutes running, 1 minute walking for the whole thing - every training session, short and long runs, as well as the marathon itself, doing 3 min run/1 min walk. Wow!)

Admittedly, I've turned into a bit of a "Googler" lately, but I also felt a little more reassured after reading some answers that addressed my concerns. Although I don't take everything I read on the Internet as the gospel-truth, it was helpful to read some of this stuff. Thank-you World Wide Web.

To end my post, I'll share a few little random tidbits from my world:
1. When I was flying from Moscow to Turkey a couple of weeks ago, the guy sitting next to me downed seven, count 'em 7 beers, on a two hour flight. At 8 o'clock in the morning. With Turkish music blaring from his headphones. I was thankful he didn't barf, and extra thankful I wasn't the one picking him up at the airport.

2. Although there are so many, many things you can't get in Russia, there are suddenly a few unusual things that you do have access to: Pinkberry (the frozen-yogurt place) has just recently opened here (I never had it, but I've heard it's delicious), and a Pandora store (bracelets) already open, quite close to where I live. But good luck finding something basic like, oh, I don't know, like...fresh milk.

3. My son (7) had a little friend over the other day - he's in first grade, she's in kindergarten. They were playing in the basement and I could sort of hear what they were saying, but not quite. I snuck down the stairs to peek at what they were doing...they had my yoga mat and two sets of small handweights out, with the 30 Day Shred DVD playing on the TV. "Oh, don't bother us," my son said, "We're working out."

4. It is still freezing here...freezing. Although it's sunny and the temp is about -3C (30F), with the wind, it's -16C (3F). Enough with the winter, already!!!

5. My kids are psyched up for April Fool's Day tomorrow - they're planning to "steal" all of my husband's socks and underwear out of his dresser drawers, and hide it all somewhere (let's all hope they remember where they put it!).

Happily, my eating and my running are falling back into place...no matter how many times I fall down on this journey, I'm going to pull myself back up and keep going.

Cleaning Up (158 lbs)

2011-03-30T17:33:00.002+03:00

The state of tidiness of my house often reflects my state of mind. It usually even indicates how I'm doing with my eating and exercising.

When I'm off track and down in the dumps, things start to pile up a bit. (By "pile up", I don't mean in a hoarding sort of way...I've often called myself the Queen of Organization, a pile up for me are a few papers left on a desk, a laundry basket with unfolded clothes, a to-do list that is getting too long.) That's how things have been around here for a while - I had overcommitted myself. I was tired. I wanted to zone out and watch TV to "relax". And overeat. Basically, the old habit of living life on autopilot had crept back in somehow, and I didn't like how that felt one bit.

A good example of stuff left undone is a big Lululemon bag I have sitting on my bedroom floor.

It contains papers to file, a few things to mend, extra keys and piddly items from Florida...a catch-all for all the things I need to find a storage place for. It has sat on my floor since March 5 (the day I arrived back in Moscow from Florida). Just one of those many "I'll get to it" tasks that drag on from one day to the next. My kitchen cabinets are another trouble-zone, the garage and storage room in the basement are others. I'll get to it...and then I don't.

Since I was in university, I'd always have to tidy everything up before settling down to study...or do work-related stuff...and always before taking care of myself. In effect, I'd put myself last on the to-do list...not the healthiest of habits I developed over the years. I thought (in my own twisted way) that I had to have everything else in order before I could take some time out for me - like exercising or taking the time to cook healthy things for myself. I'd tell myself, "Tidy house, tidy mind" - I suppose in a way to imagine I was removing all the physical clutter, and in turn, the mental clutter, so I could focus on the project at hand (eg. diet and exercising). Do all the other stuff first, and then I'd be ready to focus on me.

The only problem was, I'd get all the other things accomplished, but by the time I had all the other things out of the way, I was pooped. No energy left for "me".

7 or 8 years ago, I started trying to break out of this pattern. I saw this in a snarky little coffeetable book (which I happened to buy):

It made me pause for thought...maybe I needed to stop wasting my time always trying to put everything in order before getting around to working on myself (eating healthily and working out...and God forbid doing something fun...).

It's no surprise old habits die hard. I go back and forth - sometimes I can put the self-care ahead of a lot of humdrum tasks...but after a while, my surroundings start to look out of sorts - and it bugs me. That's when the feeling of my disorganized space makes me feel blah and out-of-control. (Am I just nutty?) I get to the point when I need to clear out the clutter...and the sense of orderliness puts me back in the feeling of having self-control.

Perhaps delusional, but that's how it is. Is it a tad compulsive? Perhaps. An indicator of deeper "control issues"? Probably.

Nonetheless, today the Lululemon bag gets emptied. The kitchen cabinets will get re-organized. (The garage/storage room will be addressed tomorrow. I promise.) The clutter will get cleared away, and everything (well, most things) will be back in their places. Oddly, it has a way of putting me back in my own place.

Call me crazy, but I already feel much more like myself. 5km on the treadmill today (it's still snowing outside!) and no compulsive eating in sight.

The Path (? lbs)

2011-03-29T16:39:00.000+03:00

Do you know the common link between this twisty-turny path...

And this straight-and-narrow one?

They are the same path!!!

(It is actually a path right next to my place in Florida - I've run on it many, many times.) It has often puzzled me why they chose to make that twisty section so twisty...it must have seemed like a lot of unnecessary work to the people who had to build it.

This path is a metaphor for a lot of things - life, weight loss, exercise, learning new habits...there are twisty times when the direction I'm going in seems unclear and I feel like I'm going nowhere...and then straight-and-narrow times when I can see exactly what I have to do and where I want to go.

Right now, I'm in a bit of a twisty place. Some days I'm experiencing doubt about whether I can make it through a whole marathon. My body wants to stop at around the 20 km mark - pushing past it seems physically impossible (yesterday I got to 20 km and hobbled home - my legs were on fire, and not in a good way). Other days I want to believe I can do it, or at least I tell myself that I will do it or die trying...it really means that much to me.

I have 9 weeks left to train, which means strict adherence to my running program (a mixture of Hal Higdon and John Stanton). I have no idea if I can do it - after contacting the Ottawa Race Weekend people, I found out that I have 7-7 1/2 hours to officially finish it. What will I do if I don't or can't finish it??? (I don't know what the answer is to that, except maybe 'try again next year'? Is that what I want? Absolutely not.)

My weight has gotten beyond where I feel comfortable anymore. Recently, I relapsed into the old bad habit of emotional eating, in an attempt to quiet my brain. (There have been a few personal things going on that have made me very upset.) Saturday night was particularly rough...I thought of having a couple of strong drinks or even taking a pill to make me sleepy. Surprisingly, I had no interest in eating, but I longed to just shut off the pain I was feeling somehow.

In the end, I did neither...eventually I just fell asleep on my own. (The idea of having a hangover from either alcohol or a pill did not appeal to me in the least.) But Sunday morning, I wanted fried eggs and bacon and toast and juice and chocolate and, and, and...I reeled it in a little by the end of that day, and yesterday was not too bad, but it sure ain't the straight-and-narrow path I'd like to be on right now. The rapid changes in direction are making me dizzy.

So I'm trying to navigate a lot of the twisty bits lately, sometimes finding myself off lying in the bushes and long grass, off the path completely, and then crawling back to the solid cement and finding a way to stand up again to keep moving forward.

I can see that straight-and-narrow part of the path up ahead. I know it's there. Crawling, walking, or running, I need to get to that part for a while. I need to be confident about where I'm going. I need to remember who I am.

ABC's of Me (158 lbs)

2011-03-25T16:14:00.000+02:00

Just for fun, I thought I'd do what quite a few others have done on their blogs lately (but with a few twists)...

The ABC's of Me:

Age of first gray hair: 42 (Yes, I'm oddly proud of this, even though it is completely beyond my control!)

Bed size: Queen...used to be King until we moved to Russia...I miss my King bed.

Chore I hate: Ironing - it just seems like such a waste of time.

Dogs: None - I have never owned a dog (my whole life, it's always been cats). When we move away from Russia, I've promised the kids we will get our first dog.

Essential start of my day: Coffee, baby.

Favorite color: Aquamarine - it reminds me of the ocean...but I don't use it in my house, mostly accessories.

Gold or silver:  Silver, except for my wedding rings, which are gold. (If I could really choose, could "platinum" be an option?)

Height: 5'3" and 3/4"...which I call 5'4" because I like to pretend I'm taller.

Instruments I play:  I used to play the clarinet.  Does "Chopsticks" on the piano count?

Job title:  Since I can no longer practice dentistry (being in Russia and all), my chief job is domestic engineer (otherwise known as wife and mom). I also work part-time as a community marketing/sales liason for an American-style bakery here in Moscow - fun!

Kids: Two, a daughter (adopted from Russia at 15 months old, now almost 10 years old) and a son (biological, who came along as a surprise 6 weeks after we arrived home with our daughter).

Languages: English, French, and teensy amounts of Russian.

Memory (favorite childhood): Digging up mussels on a beach with my grandfather. We dug them up, washed them, steamed them on a fire we made on the beach, and ate them right then and there.

Never tried: Tripe...and I have no intentions of ever doing so!

One Do-Over (if I could have just one): To have never gone on a diet at 15 years old...

Pet peeve: People who eat with their mouth open and people who pee on the toilet seat - both are gross!

Quote from a movie: Recently referenced in a post earlier this week: "Snap out of it!"   said by Cher (in a Brooklyn accent) to Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck.

Recurring Dream: That I'm in college again, but didn't go to class or do any work all semester...and now I'm sitting down to write the final exam. I have been having this dream for years - what does it mean?

Sisters: No, only one brother, who is two years older than me. When I was six years old, I wanted a sister so badly I told everyone at school that I had one and that she slept under my parents' bed.

TV Shows: Current Favorite- The Real Housewives of Orange County (trashy and bitchy and completely unreal). TV Shows I Have Never Watched - All of the CSI's and SVU's.

Unable to stop: Playing "Angry Birds"

Vegetable I dislike: Brussels Sprouts...I have tried to cook/bake/roast them a million ways, but I can't get past the bitter taste. What am I doing wrong?

Weirdest food I've eaten: Chicken knuckles (Thailand)...and yes, there's essentially no meat on them.

X-Files: I have never seen a single episode.

Yummy Food I make: Homemade mac'n cheese...it never lasts long in this house!

Zoo animal favorite: Monkeys of any type...they're fascinating and highly entertaining to watch.

Have a fabulous Friday!

Brain Flush (159 lbs)

2011-03-24T15:05:00.000+02:00

This morning I'm finding myself caught in a mental whirlpool of my own creation...somehow I've now developed a fear of going out to run. What the heck??? Certainly, it doesn't help that it's been snowing off and on all morning, yet I'm arguing with myself about the possibility of running on the treadmill, dredging up every sort of excuse: it's too hot in the workout room, students will come in and want to use the equipment (the workout room is in my kids' school, and they have priority for the equipment during school hours), running on the treadmill doesn't feel good anymore...blah-dee, blah-dee, blah-blah...

I did all of my training for the half-marathon on the treadmill without a hitch. So who's this Negative Nelly who's suddenly appeared on the scene? For months, I found a way to make it work. So now there's imagined unsurmountable obstacles everywhere? Oh please. I'm annoying myself with this BS.

Bottom line? I'm doubting myself instead of just doing it. I'm in my own way. So you know what? The skies at this moment are clear - no blowing snow right now and the sun is peeking out. So I'm going outdoors and I'm just going to shut up and do it.

***********************

The run is done - 5.5 km, all painfree. Even out in the snowy streets, it wasn't bad at all. I decided I'd rather be a bit chilly than too hot (on the treadmill) AND I really prefer to run outside anyway (more challenging, too). Round and round I went in my little neighbourhood - it was windy, at times the light snow was going sideways, but I did not stop.

The best part? Mentally, I feel so much better! Is this the "mental spa" I've been looking for? Maybe my new magnet has more truth in it that what I realized:

So here's the thing, the BIG thing I learned today: You always hear about "healthy diet and exercise" together to lose weight, or for that matter, to simply have a healthy body. The main focus is that the exercise will burn calories, build muscle, making you strong and lean.

That's all well and good, but the biggest benefit that I get from exercise? It's all psychological, baby. Doing exercise that I like (a key factor) has a huge carry-over: it's an instant funk-buster. Just 35 minutes flushed out the garbage that was swirling around in my brain, and jolted me back to reality. In less than an hour I felt happier, more relaxed, and more productive. Yesterday I watched what I was eating to put me back on track, and yes, for the most part, it went well. But it's the exercise component I did today that brought me back to myself. It makes me stretch. It makes me drink more water. Somehow, it stopped the swirling negative self-talk and self-doubt.

Back when I was in the obese category, I recall feeling like I was in quicksand. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pull myself out. I was depressed and I felt like I was drowning...and you know, earlier today I felt a similar way. I was stuck. All I could do was find an endless supply of excuses not to go out and run, while torturing myself that I hadn't gone out yet to run. The logic is just a tad circular...and completely irritating.

I am so glad I went. I just told myself to cut the crap and just do it. (Cher's line to Nicholas Cage, from the movie Moonstruck comes to mind, "Snap out of it!" (But you have to say it with a Brooklyn accent). The running is the only thing that has occurred since the first part of this post (well, except a shower). I didn't call a friend. I didn't eat a pint of ice cream. I didn't take a nap, or do all the other stuff I do to try to feel better. I just exercised.

Next time the funk comes back - because it will - because that's life - would someone please remind me of this post? Or just tell me to quit belly-aching and just get out there? I'll come back with a better attitude - I promise.

Turkish Highlights (160- oh boy...)

2011-03-23T18:31:00.000+02:00

Well now, that was weird...I've always thought of Russia as being the land of "No" and "Can't", as in "You can't do that - this is Russia". (In fact, it's a common saying amongst expats - "This is Russia". It's even been shortened to "TIR" (This Is Russia). It explains why you can't get mail here (or if you do, it's been tampered with somehow). It explains why you can't bring your kids into certain grocery stores. It explains why you can't go for walks in a public park in the middle of the city because of the packs of wild dogs who live in there (and yes, they DO attack). This is Russia - can't, no, shouldn't, and don't. Not allowed. Forbidden. Nyet.

BUT...now Russia seems quite liberal after my little getaway to Turkey this weekend. Why? No matter how much I tried, I couldn't read anyone's blog. Blogger has been blocked there - censored due to pirated football (soccer) footage someone posted on their blog. Wow.

I never imagined feeling more free in Russia than in Turkey, but there it is. If Blogger ever gets outlawed here (which I doubt...it's very popular with the Russians), I'm moving. Growing up in North America, I never gave something like freedom-of-speech a second thought. Today, I have a whole new appreciation for those who fought for such things.

In other words, I'm back in Russia - and I'm free!

Well enough of all that; I'll get off my soapbox now...I have a few pictures to share with you of my restful Turkish weekend.

When I entered the Turkish Airlines plane, I was surprised to see this by the entrance:

Do you know what it is? It's an "Evil Eye"! It's meant to ward off bad spirits and, well, evil. I've seen these on loads of jewelry, but never as part of airplane decor. Interesting...

When I arrived n Istanbul (my connection city - I was going to Antalya, on the Mediterranean Sea), I was overjoyed to spot this over in the corner:

Yes, Starbucks is in Turkey - yay!

I thought this sign was something you don't see at Starbucks everyday:

After my coffee, I headed into the restroom...and the first thing I see? A head-scarfed old woman washing her scary feet (yeah, they looked bad) in the sink! What the heck is going on? (I didn't dare take a picture of this odd sight, but I'll admit, I was tempted.)

When I emerged from the stall, the old woman was gone, but I noticed the sign at the sinks exactly above the spot where she'd been washing her feet:

Under the "No Washing Your Feet" sign!

Intrigued, I Googled it (there's been a lot of Googling going on lately....); apparently Muslims wash their feet (and often other body parts, too) before prayer. The old lady was getting ready to pray - according to the sign, she just should have washed up somewhere else (I don't know what the "masjid facilities" are, but that is the acceptable place to do it in an airport.)

On my Google search, I read that almost all Turkish toilets have a built-in bidet like this:

which I read is intended for foot-washing (as well as other parts...but who wants to wash their feet in a toilet???)

It was all too much for me - I didn't want to touch anything at this point, so I grabbed some paper towels to open the bathroom door and broke out the Purell (actually, I double-Purell'ed).

(As an aside, a few weeks ago, I had my 7 year old son in a public bathroom with me - poor kid, I still drag him into the ladies'...I won't let him go in the men's by himself in a public place. Anyway, he went in the stall, saw the bidet (which he doesn't ordinarily see in North America), and called out, "Oh Mommy, it's so cute...there's a baby bath in mine!" He didn't look so elated when I explained what a bidet is really used for - haha!

*************************

For three whole days, all I did was sleep, watch trash TV (on my computer), and...regrettably, eat. A lot. The right side of my lower back and my right shoulder were killing me, so I didn't even run (boooo). I did have a massage - that is a whole other story - and happily, my neck/shoulder/back/hip finally feel pretty good. Other than the food part, I was blissfully relaxed. Ahhhh....although many people feel uncomfortable having such a lengthy span of time being alone with themselves, I have no trouble with it at all. In fact, I savour it.

I didn't realize how tired I was until I let myself sleep freely based upon what my body wanted to do. It turns out it wanted to sleep for about 12 hours a day. And for once, I could just go with it...and sleep...no schedule...so nice.

I will address the eating in another post. Today I am trying to get my head back on straight and cut the food/emotions connection - not easy when you've been stuffing yourself like a pig for a while now...

Overall, my trip was great. I have regrets about the food/self-stuffing (exactly what has triggered all of this has been the biggest question). I suppose it's all part of the process - re-experiencing what I don't want in order to get to what I do. After each giant meal during the weekend, I'd lie on my bed, my stomach completely over-full to the point of painful discomfort, while feeling completely empty and unsatisfied inside at the same time. Obviously, physical hunger wasn't even remotely the problem. All the food I'd shoved into my body didn't do anything to make me feel better/happier/more satisfied. Physically full and emotionally empty. What the heck was I looking for?

Once again, I've re-discovered (again...as if I haven't checked this enough) that feeding my emotions DOESN'T WORK. There's a shocker...!

Tomorrow I run again, although there's been weird mini blizzards on and off all day today (as in sunny and spring-like one minute, a complete white-out the next). If this persists, it may be a treadmill day.

Keeping my head screwed on right with how I'm eating, and getting some running in is my focus for the next while.

Is there such a thing as a mental spa, where they can massage your brain and flush out the toxic behaviours? If so, please let me know...I'll be the first to sign up.

Yup, no Blogger in Turkey

2011-03-22T10:14:00.000+02:00

Yes, it's true - crazy! I can get through sporadically to publish comments and short blurbs like this - most times not at all.

Trying to read other people's blogs is impossible - I can't even view my own.

They take their soccer WAY too seriously here, if blogging censorship is based on it. I miss you guys - I have a lot of reading to do tomorrow!

No Blogger in Turkey???

2011-03-20T09:04:00.000+02:00

I'm not sure if I can post from here - I tried last night to even read blogs, and a message came up telling me that Blogger is not allowed in Turkey due to a dispute over football (soccer) footage??? I Googled it - that's what it said, but it makes no sense. Maybe it's a joke!

I will see if this post shows up. If not, I'll be back on Wednesday...

News from the Land of Debbie (154 lbs)

2011-03-17T13:36:00.000+02:00

My life is a whirlwind these days - I am resorting to point-form to play catch-up today. An upside?  Maybe it'll be fun and fast to read?

Here are 10 tidbits of news from the Land of Ex Yo-Yo Debbie:

1. Last February, I was verbally attacked by an Italian woman who lives in my neighbourhood (this is what happened). At the time, I was very upset about it, but then I became sort of mad. We haven't spoken to each other for over a year...until this past Saturday night when we were at a school function. Although I'm sure it was partly alcohol-fueled, she basically apologized for her outrageous behaviour and we let bygones-be-bygones. Never saw that coming...even stranger is that I saw her yesterday, and she drove on past me as if we still aren't speaking to each other! I wonder if she even remembers any of it?  haha - The whole thing is hilarious to me at this point.

Just to make sure the air has been cleared, I saw this woman again this morning at school...I purposely reached out and touched her arm (big fur coat) as she was passing by, and said, "Good morning, A!" in a cheerful voice. She responded in a positive way...so, that's that. It took a year, but the whole thing is resolved with my self-esteem and self-respect intact. Ha!

2. Last week I tried my first ever group-Pilates class (I once tried a one-on-one session at my fancy-schmancy gym in Chicago - luckily, it was free - I didn't like that Reformer contraption). The classes here are in our little community center for $6 per class.

Anyway, the group experience is different. I was shocked after the first class that I didn't have any muscle soreness afterwards. Am I more fit than I realize, or was it too easy? I tried it again yesterday; I've decided it's too easy (one other friend who takes the class had a similar comment). Perhaps I am too accustomed to Jillian Michaels and her evil, arse-kicking ways. Back to the DVD's - any good Pilates ones out there?

3. After giving it a lot of thought, I decided to leave my substitute teaching assistant job at my kids' school. It took up way too much of my time (usually on short notice), and quite frankly, it confirmed what I suspected all along - teaching is not for me. I had a huge amount of admiration and respect for teachers - now it is even more so.

On a different front, my little sales/marketing job with an American-style bakery here in Moscow is starting to take off, and it's fun.  I am in charge of developing an expat clientele (like me), and considering how plain awful/tasteless Russian baked goods are, it's rewarding to help people get a little taste of home. The main challenge for me is making sure the cookies, cakes, bagels, and muffins don't find a way into my stomach, which then gets deposited as lardy fat on my butt.

4. You may have noticed I am rarely talking about food these days. Finding the delicate balance between eating enough "fuel" for running and not being ravenously hungry because of the running has been tricky. My weight has definitely crept up, so it's time to focus on that a little more. In all honesty, it's been nice to be thinking about something other than food (i.e. thinking about the challenges of running versus the challenges of overcoming food addiction). However, I still want to get to my goal size and get my Louis Vuitton purse, so I need to get on with it. I know what I need to do, so I need to quit talking and just do it.

5. Although I've had very little free time lately, I have become hooked on that silly game, "Angry Birds" on my kids' iPads. Put. The. iPad. Down.

6. While I was in Florida, my husband and I went for a couples massage (which means you just get a massage in the same room as your spouse - I can assure you - nothing kinky). Unfortunately, there was only a male and female available to do it, and I knew that Mr. Debbie would NOT agree to having a massage by a man...but I wasn't keen on it either. Nonetheless, I let him have the female and decided I would try having a man do the massage.

Verdict? To me, it was AWFUL. The guy massaged my face in a rough way, he had smelly onion breath, he had meaty hands, and without asking if it was okay, he massaged my stomach, something I never would have agreed to. Yuuuuuccccckkkk.  Sadly, I don't think he even really knew how to give a proper massage. The memory of his hairy forearms on my back makes my skin crawl....eeeewwwwwww. Never again.

7.  Speaking of massages, my birthday gift from Mr. Debbie is a spa weekend in Turkey! (Quite a gift - what a man!) I've never been to Turkey, so it should be interesting...only a 3 hour direct flight from Moscow. Sometimes I look at the stuff I write about what I'm doing/where I'm going, and it sounds crazy. Is this really my life? (But if there's only male masseurs available, there will be no massaging.)

8. Yesterday I ran 6 km around and around my gated compound here in Moscow. In the blowing snow and frigid wind. Oh, Florida, I miss you!  Running outside is definitely more challenging than the dreadmill, so it's all good, but I almost stopped at the 3 km mark (I'd just run up a big hill). Then I reminded myself that it was all in my head. "If I want it, I have to keep going," I told myself. So I did. I slugged it out, even though my legs were freezing and my nose was dripping - and I'm so glad I did! I also said, "This is one of those character-building moments". Ha! I'm going to be quite a character by the end of all of this training!

When I prove to myself that I can do it at the exact moment when I want to give up is crucial. It makes me believe I can do almost anything, if I really want it. Like...becoming a normal eater and maintaining a healthy, normal weight...

9. Although I don't feel comfortable posting too much about my family (out of fear that it will come back to haunt me someday), there is one thing that happened recently that I feel I must mention: my parents didn't really acknowledge my half-marathon. They were in Florida when I was. I saw them the day before I left for it - they didn't even wish me luck. They called me a couple of days after the race, when I was back home, and asked as an after-thought at the end of our conversation, "So how did your run go? Was it Saturday or Sunday? Where was it again?" That was it.

It was one of my life's biggest moments - and it wasn't even on their radar. It is painful for me to think about it too much - it's like a big 'ol slap in the face, and pretty much impossible to try to explain it away or rationalize it. I can't imagine one of my children doing something like that and not even saying, "Congratulations".

No wonder I have struggled all of these years to feel "good enough".

That being said, I refuse to give my power away. No one on this planet can diminish the pride I feel in reaching my goal of running my first half-marathon.

I am good enough for me.

10. That leads me to my last point...I am officially registered for my first marathon - Ottawa Race Weekend (Ottawa, Ontario, Canada) Sunday, May 29! It is 68% full, and I already had a look at the course map online. To run this race in the capital city of my home country is so exciting.

Even if I have to crawl over the finish line, I will complete it! Bring on the training because I'm going for it!!!

The Loot (154 lbs)

2011-03-15T13:32:00.000+02:00

Surprisingly, I am not hobbling around today. Woohoo! That is progress - my recovery time is getting better...I just might be getting stronger.

While I was in the States, I bought a Jillian Michaels Ab Workout DVD (called 6 Week Six-Pack). Although I'm normally skeptical of such claims, with Jillian, I am pretty sure she will deliver. (She is an expert butt-kicker - the 30 Day Shred is a testament to that.)

I haven't tried it yet, but I've left it out where I can see it, as a reminder to give it a try. The funny thing is my seven-year old son (who likes to read everything now, because he can) read the "6 Week Six-Pack" title out loud this morning. He asked, "Mommy, can we do this today after school? I only have a two-pack, and I want a six-pack." Two pack? Six-pack on a 7 year old? What a kid. So guess what I'm doing this afternoon?

While I was in Florida for the Disney Princess Half-Marathon, I picked up a few running-related things. First of all, Shelley (who has an amazing story and is an avid athlete) sent me this awesome bumper sticker:

Thank-you Shelley!

I covered up my horrid toenails (discolored and half-dead from too-small sneakers) by getting a pedicure, which just happened to match my new bumper sticker:

I also bought a few magnets for fun (and almost unwittingly messed up my chip for the half-marathon by putting it in the same bag):

(Speaking of toenails...)

And this one for motivation:

I know they're supposed to go on a vehicle, but right now, I'm enjoying them all on my fridge. I also got a "13.1" keychain (not pictured).

Of course, no big event in my life goes by without a Pandora charm...in reality, I ended up getting two:

The little gold crown was to celebrate the Disney Princess part, and the "21" is for the 21km I ran. (Actually, the 21 is meant for someone turning 21 years old, which is why the saleslady in Pandora gave me a funny look when I said I wanted that one, and that it was for me (yes, okay, I realize I'm not 21 anymore, or anywhere close to it...42 to be exact).

I also bought a little notepad/pen set for my purse that says, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - like my silver ring that has the same saying inscribed on it.

Finally, there was a little pink leather-bound book at Barnes and Noble called, "Believe". Inside are a ton of inspirational quotes and sayings...this week I like the Japanese proverb (an odd coincidence, knowing what is happening in Japan): "Fall down seven times, get up eight."

Oh yes, I almost forgot the Bondi Bands I bought at the Expo: two have little tiaras printed on them, one has a rhinestone tiara printed on, and the one I wore for the race said, "To Believe It is to Achieve It". This saying has special significance for me, since my "Success Story" poster (this photo is from 2005) at the gym said almost the exact same thing:

You can't see the caption they'd put on my poster, but it said, "See It, Believe It, Achieve It".

Look how thin and fit I was then...it doesn't get much better than this for me! I was 123 pounds and fit as a fiddle.

Seeing it is my birthday and a rest day from running (and running around!), I am planning to curl up this afternoon and have a little nap (a rare treat!) and perhaps catch up on The Biggest Loser (a 3 week back-log on my DVR). Then I will sign myself up for the Ottawa Race Weekend (oh, and do that ab video with my son) before going out to dinner with my family. Mr. Debbie said he has a special surprise planned, as well (!). Can't wait!

Oh, and let's not forget, I get to drink my precious bottle of:

Diet Dr. Pepper!

Just for your entertainment, just after I took the photo of the soda, I saw this truck driving by my window. I couldn't resist taking a picture:

If that doesn't make you look twice...what are they selling, anyway? Naked arses? Women? Nope. Mattresses. (If you look closely, you can see the cigarette slung to one side of the driver's mouth - the whole thing is so typically Russian: smoking driver, filthy truck, with filthier, sexist photo on it...) Lovely...

The Big 42 (155 lbs)

2011-03-14T20:46:00.000+02:00

Today, I was supposed to write about the fun stuff I bought in Florida - much like last Friday. I didn't have the heart to write really anything on Friday due to the crisis happening in Japan. All I could do was watch those news reels in horror - so sad. Really makes me stop and think about what is important...

Tomorrow is my birthday - 42 big ones. Do you know what the main event will be? Signing up for the Ottawa Race Weekend - namely, my first marathon! This is IT - the real thing. I've imagined doing this race, only this race, ever since I learned to run in 2004. It is the thing I've envisioned almost every time I've run (except for the past two weeks, when I can now imagine/remember running myself the Disney Princess Half-Marathon, which is pretty cool).

The task is daunting, there's no doubt about it. For my first long marathon-training-run (today), I had to run 23 km - that's two km longer than the half-marathon!!! My left calf area is burning tonight, let me tell you. I'm following a training program from a book (aptly named "Running - Start to Finish"), in combination with a couple of online programs. Basically, I'm letting my body be the guide of what distance feels good for the mid-week runs, and then going it slow and steady for the weekly long run (which entails running intervals of 10 minutes, walking for 1 minute for the whole time...approaching 3 hours...). I made it to 21 km, and then simultaneously felt a lot of my pain in my calves AND received an important call at the same time. Time to stop. Did it bug me I didn't do 23 km (as planned/required)? Sort of - but I'll take 21 - it's a full half-marathon, for Pete's sake. When my body says "enough", then I'm done. Injury for the sake of doing something to the letter won't help me in the, uh, "long run". (Sorry about the pun - completely unintended.)

For my marathon song playlist, because I will be running 42 km in the year I turn 42, I'm thinking I might put a progression of songs on my iPod spanning from 1969 until 2011. One song for every year and every kilometre. Only problem is, I'm not sure any "running" music exists from 1969 (I'm really cheesy - I love to run to dance music, like Usher and Taio Cruz and Katy Perry). Any suggestions for lots of good music with a "run-able" beat from my early years (1969 to late 70's)??? I think I can cover the disco era, and then we're into the 80's and 90's, and beyond - no problems there.

It is almost time for my kids to go to bed (night-time in Russia) - I cannot wait to slip into a nice hot tub full of bubbles and watch some reality TV on my laptop - I've gleaned from other blogs that last night's episode of Ruby was interesting...we shall see.

The other highlight of my day tomorrow? When I flew back to Russia from the US a week and a half ago, I picked up one last a bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper in Washington airport, to be consumed on the 10 hour flight. (Just in case you were wondering, Diet Dr. Pepper does NOT exist in Russia in any form. In fact, the only diet soda here is "Pepsi Light" and "Coca-Cola Light" - that's it.) However, while flying - between chugging bottles of water and sleeping on the plane - I completely forgot to drink it, and it made it through the whole long flight from Washington to Moscow unscathed. (For whatever reason, I didn't think this was possible - I've always imagined it bursting open mid-flight or something.)

It is probably the ONLY bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper in the entire country of Russia and countries of the former Soviet Union at the present time...and it's MINE! I have been staring at in in my fridge for 10 days. (Mr. Debbie even pretended to open it one day, knowing I was watching, just to see my reaction. Such a charmer...)

As pathetic as that is, I will savor my drink tomorrow. Most people have a toast with wine or spirits for their birthday...mine is full of chemicals, while being sugar-free and calorie-free. So pathetic...but it will be mostly guilt-free, too. (Well, except for the kidney stone thing and all...but I DID drink over 3L of water today.)

I may need crutches tomorrow, not because I'm old but because of today's run. Training for my dream - a marathon - is what this year is all about.

Bring on 42, baby. I might be old, but I'm a tough old bird.

Thinking of the Victims (153 lbs)

2011-03-11T18:40:00.000+02:00

I feel a little silly posting about running stuff I bought in Florida on a day with such horrible things going on in the world.

Like a few of my other blogging friends who live in Europe and beyond, I watched quite a lot of live coverage about the earthquake and tsunamis as it unfolded. The footage of that wall of water sweeping away boats and cars and houses, not to mention the cars that were driving on roads (obviously, with people in them) disappearing under the water is so shocking. I can't imagine seeing a wave 25+ feet high rushing towards you, knowing you don't have a chance...my thoughts and prayers go out to all those people affected by this tragedy today.

I truly hope it's not as bad as what they're thinking it is...unimaginable.

I'll be back on Monday...until then, have a safe weekend.

The Right Place at the Right Time (154 lbs)

2011-03-10T14:50:00.001+02:00

I am finally back! To say it's been a busy time lately would be an understatement...

So - This is my RACE post (remember that?). My very first race ever: the Disney Princess Half-Marathon!

(This is mid-race, but this photo was a MUST!)

*Sit down and get comfy - this a long one (with a surprise in the middle)*

Where to start? Last time I left off, I was going to breakfast with my in-laws and parents together - a scary event in my world. It turned out okay, better than I expected, and I'll post more about that another time. On to the race weekend!

Mr. Debbie and I drove up to Tampa on the Friday (Tampa was Mr. Debbie's departure city - he had to fly back to Russia early). We were lucky to be able to leave the kids with the grandparents - woohoo! - we couldn't remember the last time we had gone somewhere overnight alone - maybe two years ago? We stayed at a hotel in the downtown area, and as we were checking in, I noticed a LOT of running t-shirts and signs for the Gasparilla Half-Marathon. This struck me as VERY odd since I'd looked at that race months ago, and decided I couldn't do it because I'd already be gone back to Russia by then. To be staying in the main host hotel for a race that I wasn't in, knowing I was running in a different race in a different city felt very strange. The more runners I saw, the more nervous I became. I felt out of place, and was pretty anxious to leave on Saturday to get over to Orlando.

After stopping at Target (ha!) on Saturday morning (and fitting 25 boxes of cereal into Mr. Debbie's suitcases), then saying good-bye to him at the airport, I headed out for Disney World (only an hour away).

For whatever reason, I was completely paranoid I wouldn't get to Disney's Wide World of Sports on time - I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find parking, that my car would break down, that I would break down, you name it. Silly me...it was so fast and easy to get there - and free parking to boot.

The Expo took my breath away - it was my first exposure to anything really race-related, and I choked up a little when I saw it all.

I bought a number of things there (more on that another day), and picked up my race stuff. As they handed me my chip/band for my shoe (and tested it by walking over a strip on the floor), they said, "Keep it away from any magnets."

I continued shopping a bit and soaked in the atmosphere, and then left for the Premium Outlets just down I-4 highway for some real shopping. I was officially ready and checked in for the next day.

An hour later, while wandering around the outlet mall and chatting with Mr. Debbie on the phone (he was at his stopover in Washington), I was telling him about the magnets with fun sayings I'd bought earlier at the Expo. Did you catch that? Magnets. The things they told me to keep away from the chip? Numbskull (me) had bought FOUR immediately after getting the chip and threw them all in the same Expo bag together. Who does that? Talk about a bone-headed move! Panicked, I ran back to my car and drove like a madwoman all the way back to Disney World, back to the Expo (which was closing in 15 minutes) to re-check my chip to make sure it still worked. (It did...whewwwww). Too much drama...but it gets better...

On the way to my hotel (the Radisson just across the highway from Disney - only $79/night with free shuttle to Disney during park hours), I stopped at Olive Garden to get a big plate of spaghetti and a sliver of turtle cheesecake to bring back to my room.

As I was juggling all of my bags and suitcase to go through the back door of the hotel, a friendly-looking man offered to open the door for me. Glad to have his help, I went on through the doors, and then turned to thank him. That's when I noticed he had a funny look on his face - his eyes were sort of wide and he was shaking his head at me.

Something wasn't right.

I asked him if he was okay. His eyes got wider and he was shaking his head, "No", but he also wasn't saying anything. I remembered noticing he'd had a piece of bread in his hand when he opened the door for me, and now I didn't see it. Uh-oh - was he choking?

I could tell he was starting to freak out, sort of pacing and walking away from me, but sort of going in circles at the same time, not knowing what to do with himself. Dreading the answer, I asked,  "Are you choking?" His head immediately bobbed up and down in a big "yes", his eyes pleading with me to help somehow. There was no one else around, and for a split second I thought it had to be a joke. Nope. So I think I said, "Let me help you. Turn around."

Before I even realized what I was doing, I put my arms around that man's large stomach and did the Heimlich maneuver - instantly, a giant wad of bread flew out of his mouth and onto the floor! Now he could talk again (all he could say was "Oh my God!"), but truthfully, we were pretty speechless! He just said thank-you over and over and asked if I was a doctor. I said "No, a dentist" which seemed to scare him more than the near-death choking experience he'd just had. (ha!) He called me his "guardian angel".  Finally, when it seemed like he was really okay, I headed off to my find my room and eat my pre-race spaghetti.

Heimlich one minute, sitting down eating spaghetti the next...wow.

My mind alternated between the shock of what had just happened and nervous anticipation of getting up at 3 am to run 21 km in Disney World. I tried to distract myself by watching old re-runs of "Empty Nest" on TV - finally I fell asleep, only to dream about choking while running.

3 am came very quickly - too quickly - I was so nervous! The drive over to Disney only took about 5-10 minutes, and parking was really easy. There were thousands of participants (almost 14,000)...and most were in some sort of costume.

(Line-ups for the Port-A-Potty's)

Tiaras, tutus, Snow Whites, Minnie Mouses, and Cinderellas. Men with tutu's on! Pink EVERYWHERE.

Women of all ages, shapes, and sizes, all there to do the same thing. It sounds corny, but it was such a wonderful celebration of being a woman! (Those male participants were either really smart or really brave to be around so much femininity.)

The starting line was quite a walk from the entrance - about 20 minutes. As the giant crowd made its way over to the corrals en masse, I was getting scared - I could see that the people in my corral looked really fit - had I signed up for the wrong one? What was I doing with this group?

The opening of the half-marathon was very special - The Fairy Godmother was there to send off each corral, with fireworks for each start! Beautiful.

The first 5 km flew by - there were volunteers, worker guys, and Disney characters cheering us on along the side of the road from almost the very start. It was when I saw the first group of family members/spectators that I got choked up - remember, I've done almost all of my training on a treadmill, by myself. Although I didn't know one single person in the crowd, I felt like they were cheering for me, and it made me cry a little.

A big lesson learned on this day? I have a big problem with getting emotional when I'm running: Hyperventilation! It makes me suddenly breathless and I start wheezing - badly. Who knew this inconvenient phenomenon would occur??? Many times, I had to push any real thoughts out of my head or just keep my head down. Just seeing a sign in kid's handwriting proclaiming, "Go Mommy go!" would start me up again. I've become such a wuss.

There were marching bands, hot air balloons, Disney characters galore (although you had to line up mid-race to get a photo with them), acrobats on trampolines, DJ's, and gorgeous, muscled firemen to look at.

When I entered Mainstreet of Magic Kingdom, with the castle in the distance, I started to cry/wheeze again - amazing...and so many people cheering us on! We ran through the castle - Mickey and Minnie were at the entrance - and then we could stop and have a photo taken right in front of the castle.

(Action shot...see the tutu's?)

For the most part the running felt good, there were just a couple of highway ramps that were at weird, long, steep angles (my knees didn't like those -ow), and I had learn how to navigate the water stations. For a solo runner like me, even simply running with all those people was quite an interesting experience!

At around the 8 mile mark, they were giving out Gu gel shots - my first ever...boy did I wish there'd been a water station right after that! It tasted good, but the gooey Gu sort of stuck in my throat. Next time, I'll be prepared.

Towards the end, my calves/hamstrings felt very tight (never experienced that before), so I had to stop and stretch a few times. I stopped quite a few times for photos and one potty stop. I walked through a number of the water stations (I don't know how to run and drink at the same time yet). Sometimes I had Powerade and sometimes just water. Sometimes both.

(My BondiBand headband, bought at the Expo, says "To Believe It is to Achieve It")

By the time I passed the 12 mile marker, I was very emotional - overwhelmed, really, and it was messing up my breathing big-time. This was it. The crowds were cheering so loudly and there was just so much going on around me and inside of me - I was almost finished...here I was, making this dream of mine come true. It suddenly hit me how far I've come - I was now running to set the "old, depressed obese" me free. Quite surreal and absolutely overwhelming. Wheeze...wheeze...!

(This was towards the end, but nowhere close to the finish line - I stopped taking pics then!)

As I neared the finish line, to my delight, my absolute favorite running song "Firework" started playing on my iPod (completely unplanned, but perfect timing)...and as I crossed the finish line, the song playing on the race loudspeaker at exactly the same time? Firework. I supposed to be there at that exact moment.

(Incidentally, it was this song that was playing on my iPod when I decided to train for a half marathon.) I heard that song on the loudspeaker when I arrived at the race that morning, and they played it while we waited in the corrals right before the race, and I heard it at least one other time during the race. And no, it was not too much...it was awesome!

Crazily, right before I crossed the finish line, I remember thinking, "Debbie, this is what only a half-marathon is like? And you're thinking of doing a whole one??? You must be insane!"

I didn't remember until after I saw the little video on Disney's website that I high-fived Mickey and Minnie as I crossed the finish line! haha

(Like my Minnie ears and my medal?)

I did it. I ran a half-marathon (with multiple photo stops and emotional breathing difficulties), my first race ever, in 2:43 and I am proud. I will never, ever forget that day. It was one of my proudest moments.

I DID IT!

My "Race Post" Is Still On Its Way (??lbs)

2011-03-04T22:26:00.000+02:00

Okay, I'm the world's worst blogger this week - this always happens when I go to Florida! I am sitting in Washington Dulles airport waiting to fly back to Moscow (oh goody!), but so far, no big freak-out today.

I promise I will get my race post up as soon as I get back to Russia. (I even wrote an outline of it as I was getting a pedicure the other day - time has simply gotten away from me on this trip.)

(Here I am the day before the half-marathon, picking up my race pack at the Wide World of Sports. BTW...I didn't scribble on my race bib the day before...I just blacked out the number for the blog.)

So many different posts to write - at least things will be back to "normal" (read: back to a routine) when I go back to Russia, so next week you'll be able to read about my recent adventures. Have a great weekend!

Half Marathon Update Coming Soon! (154 lbs)

2011-02-28T21:38:00.000+02:00

Once I get a little block of free time, I promise to post all the details.

One word to describe my first race and first half-marathon experience? AMAZING!!!

Bring On The Breakfast (152 lbs)

2011-02-23T15:48:00.000+02:00

Wow - I had a great day yesterday! My run was very sweaty, but productive. (I left a little too late, as in 10am...the sun is super-strong, even at that early hour.) Strong sun in February is not a problem in my books.

My shopping expedition was fun...although Lululemon didn't have much of a selection of technical t-shirts (I was looking for one for the half-marathon), I still managed (oh, the hardship) to find cute stuff to buy: a blue t-shirt, a long sleeve running pullover, and a hairband.

On a whim, I went into Ann Taylor to look for a dress (I only own one that fits), and found the best sale rack ever! Winter dresses (not big sellers in Florida in February, apparently) marked down from $148-$248 to....$9.88! What made it even better was a sweater I'd been eyeing at Christmas was there (also not a big seller in Feb/FL), reduced from $118 to $28. Great quality AND incredible bargains - the days of desperately digging for anything in a normal size that might fit me on the clearance racks at Target are over. (Oh, don't worry...Target still gets plenty of business from me - ha!)

Despite the fact I wasn't too excited to buy another new pair of sneakers (I just got a new pair in December), I bought a new pair of Asics (same shoes) a half-size bigger to save my toenails...I'm left to wonder if I should have gone up a full size? The strange thing is that my feet/toenails have never bothered me while running, only afterwards, and now not at all, since the damaged ones now seem to be dead. (We won't talk about when they were ultra-sensitive and I accidentally stubbed my toes on my daughter's desk chair, making me fall to the floor in agony. No, we won't speak of that at all.)

Of course, many other purchases were made - mostly stuff for the kids (suddenly my son's jeans are all too short) - and paid a visit to the iStore (or is it Apple Store?), where I picked the salesguy's brain about unlocked cellphones. It's a shame I emerged more confused than when I went in...a "techie", I'm not. Hey...Target sells unlocked cellphones...

There may have also been a trip to Starbucks involved, where I had a skinny iced caramel macchiato and a blueberry scone, while indulging in some people-watching at the "swanky" outdoor mall in Naples. The macchiato is supposedly only 140 calories (it tastes too good to believe that)...and the blueberry scone? NOT 140 calories, that part is certain. But get this...in my excitement to go shopping, and then the excitement about the actual shopping itself, I realized around 6 pm that I'd forgotten to eat lunch. I can count on one hand (one or two fingers?) the number of times in my entire life when I've forgotten to eat. It may be a small point, but a little thing like that gives me hope that I am gradually breaking free of this food addiction/obsession.

This morning will be a new challenge for me...I am taking my kids out to breakfast (restaurant eating in US = overeating trigger) with my in-laws (overeating trigger) AND my parents (BIG overeating trigger). So many triggers packed into one meal - let's hope my head doesn't blow off.

I view this meal is an opportunity to practice being in situations when I'd normally emotionally overeat. In the past, I'd dread a gathering like this - it seemed to be too much to handle without comforting myself with food. I'd eat before...then during...then afterwards....Now I'm looking at it as an opportunity to triumph. The more I practice navigating these trigger-laden circumstances, the stronger I become, the more I feel I handle anything difficult without abusing food.

Inner strength, baby...inner strength. Bring on the breakfast.

Becoming an Ex Yo-Yo Dieter

Where To Start? (not ready to publish these pounds - eek!)

Doing Fine! (? lbs...but doing okay)

Where I've Been...(? lbs)

The Cloud Has Lifted (178 lbs)

The Simple THings (? - no scale)

Home Again (?lbs - no scale)

More Questions Than Answers (175 lbs)

"Should'ing All Over Myself"? (175lbs)

Still Clawing My Way Back (176lbs)

A Quick Hello (174 lbs)

My Old Friend - WW 0-Point Soup (177lbs)

Just Relax...(177 lbs)

Swirling (175 lbs)

Getting What I Deserve? (175 lbs)

Small Decisions, Big Consequences (176 lbs)

Facing Reality (but avoiding scale...)

Okay, This Is Not Normal...(?lbs)

STILL Sick (? lbs)

The Adventure Continues (168 lbs)

More Tense With Less Food? (166 lbs)

Cleaning up (167 lbs)

Bear With Me...(? - too much lbs)

Back in Russia (weight: uhhh....)

Crossing Over? (160 lbs)

And now I'm in...Canada! (159 lbs)

Gratitude for Simple Things (157 lbs)

Back to My Happy Self (157 lbs)

I Miss Blogging! (158 lbs)

I'll Be Back Soon!

Feelin' Good! (157 lbs)

Summer Blogging? (159 lbs)

Choices and Responsibility (159 lbs)

AHHHHHH (160 lbs)

Packing...(162 lbs)

Family Summer Meals? (162 lbs)

S-U-M-M-E-R Questions (160 lbs)

Irritated (159 lbs)

Summer of the Salad (158 lbs)

A Little Rant (160 lbs)

Funk? It's Over! (160 lbs)

Where There's A Will...(159 lbs)

Relieved! (160 lbs)

The Question of Selfishness - Again (160 lbs)

Finding "Healthy Me" (160 lbs)

It's All Inside (161 lbs)

Blue (161 lbs)

Springtime Stroll in Moscow (? lbs)

Fill It Up To Half-Full, Please (161 lbs)

Sleep, Hibernate, Shut Down, and Restart (162 lbs)

Ick...Sickly Sugar (? lbs...)

Garden Therapy (?lbs)

Russian Charades (159 lbs)

Drinkfest For One (159 lbs)

And...We're All Back! (?) lbs

Happy Things (158 lbs)

Respite (158 lbs)

Pandora's Box (160 lbs)

Covering Up the Ugly (?lbs)

Plunge into Oblivion (156 lbs)

Peeling Back the Layers (157 lbs)

Silver Lining (157 lbs)

Back to Normal (156 lbs)

Feeling Good (156lbs)

What Does She Need? (157 lbs)

Stuck in 4th Grade (157 lbs)

Doing It My Weigh (155 lbs)

Before "Ripped in 30" Photos (155 lbs)

Tortured Toes (156 lbs)

Restart (159 lbs)

A New Plan (158 lbs)

Sidelined (158 lbs)

Sweaty Beast (157 lbs)

MORE Progress? (157 lbs)

More Progress Than I Realized (157 lbs)

Why I Live In Russia (158 lbs)

Googling Gu (159 lbs)

Cleaning Up (158 lbs)

The Path (? lbs)

ABC's of Me (158 lbs)