Sometimes I have more questions than answers. (Okay, sometimes? I don't have the answers most of the time! haha) Anyway...
Here are a few questions that have been on my mind lately:
1. How can people eat salad for breakfast? The majority of the world doesn't eat what North Americans typically eat for breakfast: cereal and toast. Here in Russia, breakfast often consists of salad-like ingredients: lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes. Cheese. Assorted hams and smoked sausages (cold). I can't do salad for breakfast...I just can't. How do they do it?
2. Where did my mojo go? How do I get it back? (Yes, it's essentially the whole point of my blog...but I still don't know the answers.) Why did I fall apart a few months ago? My leg injury - which ended my running/training - combined with delving into deeper Inner Child issues...it messed me up. Is that what happened? Is there such a thing as going too deep into your core issues? I liken it to pulling a giant sleeping bag out of its tiny carrying pouch and then trying to quickly shove it all back in again...no can do. No matter how I wrestled with it, I couldn't stuff it all back in. No matter how hard I tried to fix it, there were ugly bits still spilling out and I didn't know what to do with them. Feeling defeated and overwhelmed, I reverted to old habits when faced with unpleasant feelings - eating to numb myself, entering the parallel dimension of denial.
But that's behind me now. I'm in the clean up stage. I can feel it. The desire to change is growing within once again. And I always like a new project - time to re-start the Debbie project!
3. Is it wrong to be excited about my laser hair removal appointment next week? I used to go to an affordable clinic in Montreal when I lived there 4 years ago - I trust them at this place. So now that I'm finally going there again and I don't have a tan (which was the case during the summer), I can get zapped. It's silly how excited I am about it, but also an indication how much I hate the hair that grows in all the places it shouldn't be. (If I were rich, I'd do my whole legs and armpits. During one of my visits, I once saw their procedure log - someone (presumably a guy) was having their back done...I can't even imagine that cost...!)
4. Why is eating without distractions so bothersome to me again? The thought of just sitting down and eating whatever it is I think I want to eat while NOT watching TV, playing with my computer, or reading feels uncomfortable to me again. Why is it that eating with distraction holds so much more appeal? Eating without distractions seems to suck the "fun" out of it...it suddenly feels like a chore (and I find myself rebelling against it, thinking, "I don't wanna"). What's that all about???
5. Finally (if you're still with me), how to you learn to feel "good enough"? Now that I'm an adult, is it too late? I know it has to come from within me - no one else can convince me of it...I wouldn't believe them anyway. So how do I change this part of myself? Has anyone else out there successfully made the switch to "good enough"?
Ah, so many questions...such complicated answers...Do I necessarily need the answers to these questions (and others)? Maybe not...maybe the hard part was just finding the courage to look inside, not knowing what might come out. I sat. I thought. I typed. And nothing bad happened. It makes me think I can do it again.
Time to get back on Healthy Road. That's where my life is.
Here are a few questions that have been on my mind lately:
1. How can people eat salad for breakfast? The majority of the world doesn't eat what North Americans typically eat for breakfast: cereal and toast. Here in Russia, breakfast often consists of salad-like ingredients: lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes. Cheese. Assorted hams and smoked sausages (cold). I can't do salad for breakfast...I just can't. How do they do it?
2. Where did my mojo go? How do I get it back? (Yes, it's essentially the whole point of my blog...but I still don't know the answers.) Why did I fall apart a few months ago? My leg injury - which ended my running/training - combined with delving into deeper Inner Child issues...it messed me up. Is that what happened? Is there such a thing as going too deep into your core issues? I liken it to pulling a giant sleeping bag out of its tiny carrying pouch and then trying to quickly shove it all back in again...no can do. No matter how I wrestled with it, I couldn't stuff it all back in. No matter how hard I tried to fix it, there were ugly bits still spilling out and I didn't know what to do with them. Feeling defeated and overwhelmed, I reverted to old habits when faced with unpleasant feelings - eating to numb myself, entering the parallel dimension of denial.
But that's behind me now. I'm in the clean up stage. I can feel it. The desire to change is growing within once again. And I always like a new project - time to re-start the Debbie project!
3. Is it wrong to be excited about my laser hair removal appointment next week? I used to go to an affordable clinic in Montreal when I lived there 4 years ago - I trust them at this place. So now that I'm finally going there again and I don't have a tan (which was the case during the summer), I can get zapped. It's silly how excited I am about it, but also an indication how much I hate the hair that grows in all the places it shouldn't be. (If I were rich, I'd do my whole legs and armpits. During one of my visits, I once saw their procedure log - someone (presumably a guy) was having their back done...I can't even imagine that cost...!)
4. Why is eating without distractions so bothersome to me again? The thought of just sitting down and eating whatever it is I think I want to eat while NOT watching TV, playing with my computer, or reading feels uncomfortable to me again. Why is it that eating with distraction holds so much more appeal? Eating without distractions seems to suck the "fun" out of it...it suddenly feels like a chore (and I find myself rebelling against it, thinking, "I don't wanna"). What's that all about???
5. Finally (if you're still with me), how to you learn to feel "good enough"? Now that I'm an adult, is it too late? I know it has to come from within me - no one else can convince me of it...I wouldn't believe them anyway. So how do I change this part of myself? Has anyone else out there successfully made the switch to "good enough"?
Ah, so many questions...such complicated answers...Do I necessarily need the answers to these questions (and others)? Maybe not...maybe the hard part was just finding the courage to look inside, not knowing what might come out. I sat. I thought. I typed. And nothing bad happened. It makes me think I can do it again.
******************
Tomorrow, the kids and I will fly away out of Russia for a couple of weeks...I'm optimistic that this trip back "home" will be an additional jolt to get me back to myself. I look and feel like I've been living at the garbage dump for a while. Not good.Time to get back on Healthy Road. That's where my life is.
6 comments:
I've had lots of similar questions in my mind too lately. I can especially relate to points 2, 4 and 5.
I hope you'll have a good trip!
I hear ya girlfriend, I hear you. I too sometimes have more questions than answers. And some of them questions are similiar to yours (except the salads, I'm in the states). Dealing with "where is my mojo" is really the huge one right now. Also, why can't I get over inner child issues and come to terms with them. I don't want to stuff them back in because it's so NEGATIVE and black. And every so often "why and I not good enough".
But let me tell you (in case your not 40 yet) turning 40 last year has been such a blessing. For whatever reason I can feel that I'm slowly "letting go" of old issues. It (MY LIFE) really is about ME and I need to release the stuff that I have let others push on me ("you're not good enough"; "you're this or that"). I can't change the past; I can only influence the future. And I really can't always influence that because of things beyond my control. Don't get me wrong I can still feel "overwhelmingness" attempting to "secure me in a blanket" but I'm really (really) trying to shrug it off. I've got a lot of life in front of me and I dont' want to miss any more of it (like I missed the last 20 yrs)!
Sorry, didn't mean to preach. I was actually trying to sympathize/empathize...and I notice I can't spell today. sorry! :O)
Anyhow...I think the hardest part is acceptance. Accepting YOU for who YOU ARE and what YOU have to offer YOU. You first..everything else WILL fall into place the way it's suppose to.
#4... me too! It is a very strange feeling. I hate just sitting there with my food, even if it is yummy. Not sure why.
That happened to me several years ago, the sleeping bag came out of the bag and I gained weight. I was in therapy doing it and it was probably a "healthy" thing, but it sucked! I hope you figure out your stuff before putting it back in the bag.
I also have several clients who say the same thing. I guess we have to feel and want to "avoid" as we are on our way to getting healthy.
I've tried to respond twice now. If this one gets lost I give up.
I think that the answers to 2,4 and 5 are all the same. The below is from my experience and changed my life immesurably for the better.
Dealing with stuff from the past is like opening a box. You can't just open it, peak in and then try to cram the box shut again.
If you open the box, throw off that lid and have a good look at the contents - it'll be hard at first because there will be lots of emotions (but don't think they are not affecting you hidden in the box - they are the cause of your poor self image) but then the emotions will die away, because no emotions last forever.
Then you can look at what is left in the box and it'll be hope...and your mojo.
I'm struggling with the good enough issue. It's coming from not just my weight, but other areas also and it depressed me greatly in Sept/early October. I think it's hard ot feel good enough when we haven't reached our goal. And yet we are good enough in our attempt to reach it - it's just harder to see that.
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