Wow! Thanks for all the feedback I received about my "reward purse" dilemma - I appreciate all the thoughts you shared.
I remain torn about it (and luckily, even though they have Louis Vuitton in Moscow, I'd never buy the purse here - the price is even higher here than it is in the US...too much vs. much too much). So there's no danger of an impulse-shopping trip for now. And like the sentiment of Heidi's comment, I'd hate to look at the bag and feel disappointment in myself for not making it all the way...(Just in case you were wondering, normally I'm a very thrifty (read: cheap) person. I have a fascination with thrift stores and garage sales. So getting a LV handbag would be very unusual, as in once in a lifetime type of purchase.)
I received an indirect message from Karen Koenig (author of "The Rules of Normal Eating" and "Nice Girls Finish Fat") about buying the purse now, in which she discussed "external rewards". It seems my mistake was setting the purse as a goal/reward in the first place, instead of simply reaching for internal rewards, such as feeling pride and happiness in myself once I get to where I'm going.
Hard to undo this one, once you set a reward like this...yet, not an earth-shattering decision - there are much worse things in the world than my predicament. I know I'm lucky to have such "problems"!
So...don't you just want to shake me and say "Snap out of it, woman!"? If I could grab my own shoulders and shake myself, I think I would at this point. (No, I know I would.) In my head, I'm yelling at myself daily, "Why the heck don't you just do it, then? Lose the weight, get the purse, and shut up about it...and don't set anymore external rewards! Just get on with it!!!"
It's clear I'm still avoiding myself. I have "The Biggest Loser" DVR'ed from last week and I've avoided watching it. I know what will happen when I watch it - the truth of what I've been doing to myself will be reflected right back to me, how I'm not being real. I have a journal that I write in occasionally to let everything out (stuff that can't be put on a blog)...and yet, I can't bring myself to even write in that. You see, in order to write my feelings down, I know I have to examine them, and to some degree, feel them. And I don't want to feel them. I'm avoiding feeling the feelings. So nonsensical...
Having written that, I do feel that if I start to process all the difficult stuff, I won't be able to handle it, that there'll be nothing to grab onto as an anchor of hope. That is what's stopping me. I know, I make it sound so awful and dramatic...and yet, that's how I feel. So hiding is what I'm doing.
I used to be able to tell myself I'd be okay no matter what, that I had an internal anchor - I could depend on myself. Now I'm not so sure that anchor is still in there. Scary as hell. It feels like falling and falling and falling. Swirling in this mess of messed-up eating.
I remain torn about it (and luckily, even though they have Louis Vuitton in Moscow, I'd never buy the purse here - the price is even higher here than it is in the US...too much vs. much too much). So there's no danger of an impulse-shopping trip for now. And like the sentiment of Heidi's comment, I'd hate to look at the bag and feel disappointment in myself for not making it all the way...(Just in case you were wondering, normally I'm a very thrifty (read: cheap) person. I have a fascination with thrift stores and garage sales. So getting a LV handbag would be very unusual, as in once in a lifetime type of purchase.)
I received an indirect message from Karen Koenig (author of "The Rules of Normal Eating" and "Nice Girls Finish Fat") about buying the purse now, in which she discussed "external rewards". It seems my mistake was setting the purse as a goal/reward in the first place, instead of simply reaching for internal rewards, such as feeling pride and happiness in myself once I get to where I'm going.
Hard to undo this one, once you set a reward like this...yet, not an earth-shattering decision - there are much worse things in the world than my predicament. I know I'm lucky to have such "problems"!
So...don't you just want to shake me and say "Snap out of it, woman!"? If I could grab my own shoulders and shake myself, I think I would at this point. (No, I know I would.) In my head, I'm yelling at myself daily, "Why the heck don't you just do it, then? Lose the weight, get the purse, and shut up about it...and don't set anymore external rewards! Just get on with it!!!"
It's clear I'm still avoiding myself. I have "The Biggest Loser" DVR'ed from last week and I've avoided watching it. I know what will happen when I watch it - the truth of what I've been doing to myself will be reflected right back to me, how I'm not being real. I have a journal that I write in occasionally to let everything out (stuff that can't be put on a blog)...and yet, I can't bring myself to even write in that. You see, in order to write my feelings down, I know I have to examine them, and to some degree, feel them. And I don't want to feel them. I'm avoiding feeling the feelings. So nonsensical...
Having written that, I do feel that if I start to process all the difficult stuff, I won't be able to handle it, that there'll be nothing to grab onto as an anchor of hope. That is what's stopping me. I know, I make it sound so awful and dramatic...and yet, that's how I feel. So hiding is what I'm doing.
I used to be able to tell myself I'd be okay no matter what, that I had an internal anchor - I could depend on myself. Now I'm not so sure that anchor is still in there. Scary as hell. It feels like falling and falling and falling. Swirling in this mess of messed-up eating.
5 comments:
Hi Debbie!
I wrote about what you need in your reader so that you get my updates today. BAsically you need to just delete me and readd me ;-).
As far as the purse goes...It's a tough one. I for one would feel guilty if I got it and didn't get it for the reason set out. But I know how hard it is to attach a number to a goal. Maybe you could re-evaluate your goal? Maybe come up with a plan and at the end of that get the purse. Maybe something like a full month of dedication to working out and healthy eating and see how it goes? or perhaps a 30 day shred (ducking for cover ;-))
I'm loving the comments about not examining stuff - not because I'm loving that you're doing it because I'm not that horrid but more because I can TOTALLY get where you're coming from on that one. I've been that person v often.
But you're doing the right things because you're getting on with the right eating and just taking one day at a time. That has to be a good thing. Do the thinking when you can face doing it!
Sarah
I didn't know that there was someone so similar to me plunked into the far away land of Russia. A personal journal for the deep stuff, avoiding it, swirling and swirling....it's creepy how much I relate to you.
I think some comments got "eaten" by Blogger - I don't know why...but I read them before they disappeared, so thanks anyway!
man I know so so so many of us can relate to all youve shared.
for me the biggest YES!YES! was the kinda sorta desire to grab myself and shake myself...
been there
wanted to shake that
xo
MizFit
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