Getting What I Deserve? (175 lbs)

So that's one pound gone...and that's great because that's how it comes off, one pound at a time.  *Patting self on the back.*

Yesterday was a clean eating day  - I haven't had one like that in a very long while.  Finally (finally!), I just didn't feel like eating - the food didn't hold the promise of a magic fix.  It was just there. 

It seems sort of messed up to be happy about not wanting to eat, yet it feels like a glimpse into the life of a normal eater.  I imagine normal eaters to eat what appeals to them, having a moderate portion, stopping when full, and then getting on with their day's activities.  The food is just a means to fuel the person for their day. 

In contrast, a disordered eater like me plans the day around food.  Food is the focus, and eating is an activity...even a highlight.  Living life or overeating - very all-or-nothing.  I'm not sure there's any gray area on this one - I'm either engaged in life or not.  Perhaps the first acceptable example I've found of something "all-or-nothing"?

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For a very long time (two years), I've been promising myself a Louis Vuitton purse when I hit my goal weight.  And two years later...I made it down to within 15 lbs or so of my goal weight, only to put on pounds again...and no purse. 

Last night, I was having trouble sleeping.  In the middle of the night, I was lying there, thinking about that purse and my philosophy surrounding it.  For most other aspects of weight loss, I'm a huge proponent of living in the moment.  I figure the more I treat myself nicely now, taking care of myself in the very best way I can right now, the less likely I'll be trying to nurture myself with food.  Holding out for the purse until I reach my goal weight doesn't exactly fit with this philosophy; it's something I haven't questioned - until now. 

Another related thought occurred to me - I'm always saying "yes" to everyone else and "no" to myself...except when it comes to food.  Food is a big silent "YES", as an attempt to make up for 99% of all the other stuff I deny myself.  In my screwed-up thinking, I convince myself I'm somehow compensating for all the "no's".  "I can't do X, Y, or Z, but dammit, I'm going to eat whatever I want and however much I want."  Rebellious eating.  It sounds so crazy in writing, but this is how my thought process works.

So, back to the purse...it occurred to me that perhaps having the purse as a "goal weight present" to myself makes no sense.  It may be much more helpful to have the purse now.  (Okay, I know it sounds like I just want to get the purse because I can't get to goal...but hear me out...)  Getting to goal weight will be a gift in itself.  I won't be any more deserving of such a luxury simply because my weight is lower, and truthfully, for me the hardest work is at the beginning and during the process.

 I've never been able to splurge on myself when I'm fat (well, with anything except for food...I'm really good at splurging on food...).  When I'm fat, I feel like I don't deserve whatever it is I want.  I feel as though I have to earn the right to have such an expensive item.  If I'm not at a healthy weight, I feel as though I don't deserve it. And perhaps that kind of thinking is exactly what keeps me fat...and what makes me gain the weight back even when I've gotten to goal.  The saddest thing is, when I really think about it, even at goal weight, I've felt like an impostor and undeserving of things I'd promised myself.  The extra weight was gone, but I hadn't fixed the inside of my head - stuff that has nothing to do with food. 

Something that's easy to say, but hard to put into practice?  I need to learn to feel deserving of something special simply because, like everyone else, I am here in this world.  In fact, I probably need to show myself I deserve it more right now, just as I am, warts, fat, and all. 

I've been trying for two years to get this purse...I even have some money put aside for it.  Perhaps I need to think about it a little bit more, but something tells me I need to think about this process a little differently.  Treating myself as though I deserve the best may actually get me in the habit of saying yes to myself in all sorts of other ways.

Once again, of course, it's not really about the food at all, and other than health and (admittedly) some vanity reasons, it's not even about the weight. 

It's about my brain - tangled-up thought patterns and feelings.  That stuff is more difficult to change...but not impossible.