Whewwww - it feels so nice to be able to breathe! I'm 80% back to normal - yay!
What's not good? My weight. My lack of exercise. I feel the fat, lumpy and tight, back on my mid-section. I am literally in my own way.
I'm avoiding myself, avoiding having that all-important inner dialogue with myself. I've slipped back into autopilot mode, simultaneously loathing it while finding comfort in it, too. My willingness to work on my eating problem has waned. After years of battling this, I'm just so weary of it. I'm sick of food and weight being such a big issue...wishing will never make it go away.
I know, it's crazy to allow myself to stay stuck. Yet, thinking about the energy I must summon to start again - just thinking about it makes me tired. Drained...
I try to imagine what I would feel if I suddenly stripped the comfort of the food away - what would I feel? What am I hiding from?
(Some minutes of thinking.....) Hmmmm....Aha! Here's something big (and oddly, something I was oblivious to): I've sunk to the bottom of the priority list yet again. Family stuff, work stuff, school stuff, helping other people...help, help, help - everyone but me! Room parent meetings coming before exercise. Taking other people around Moscow when I should have been home in bed. Focusing on what I can bake for guests coming to our house instead of taking the time to carefully plan what I should have been eating to make me better, faster. The me-time I set aside gets eaten away by all the little things that everyone else needs. Everyone needs me-time. It's interesting that some of us feel as though we have to apologize for it, while for others, it's a fait accompli, just the same as the right to breathe in and out. And yes, many times it's easier to just do what others are asking than to look inside ourselves and fight (yes, fight!) for what we want. "Go along to get along"...it only works for so long.
Want to know something I've noticed? When I'm in overeating autopilot, I hardly ever cry. Rather disturbing, and ironically sad in its own way. A giant warning sign that inside, I'm shut off. No need to cry when I'm numb...in the moment, I pretend to myself that emotionally overeating doesn't matter - that somehow, in some parallel universe, it's not real. Who am I kidding? Oh, it's real all right...I just don't want to believe it.
I get it. I get it. How do I know I've struck on something with this not-on-the-priority-list business? Because after typing this out and thinking it through a little, starting again suddenly doesn't seem so insurmountable. Finally, finally, I've sat with myself long enough to feel something and to face reality.
Getting back on the scale will be the next big step. After that, I need to (want to) get back on the treadmill, if for nothing else, to motivate me and feel physically better (something that I always "forget"). Too tired to exercise? Not exercising makes me feel more tired (something else I need to remember).
I'm sick of myself this half-alive way. Quit talking about it and just do it. Enough already. Shut up and do it.
What's not good? My weight. My lack of exercise. I feel the fat, lumpy and tight, back on my mid-section. I am literally in my own way.
I'm avoiding myself, avoiding having that all-important inner dialogue with myself. I've slipped back into autopilot mode, simultaneously loathing it while finding comfort in it, too. My willingness to work on my eating problem has waned. After years of battling this, I'm just so weary of it. I'm sick of food and weight being such a big issue...wishing will never make it go away.
I know, it's crazy to allow myself to stay stuck. Yet, thinking about the energy I must summon to start again - just thinking about it makes me tired. Drained...
I try to imagine what I would feel if I suddenly stripped the comfort of the food away - what would I feel? What am I hiding from?
(Some minutes of thinking.....) Hmmmm....Aha! Here's something big (and oddly, something I was oblivious to): I've sunk to the bottom of the priority list yet again. Family stuff, work stuff, school stuff, helping other people...help, help, help - everyone but me! Room parent meetings coming before exercise. Taking other people around Moscow when I should have been home in bed. Focusing on what I can bake for guests coming to our house instead of taking the time to carefully plan what I should have been eating to make me better, faster. The me-time I set aside gets eaten away by all the little things that everyone else needs. Everyone needs me-time. It's interesting that some of us feel as though we have to apologize for it, while for others, it's a fait accompli, just the same as the right to breathe in and out. And yes, many times it's easier to just do what others are asking than to look inside ourselves and fight (yes, fight!) for what we want. "Go along to get along"...it only works for so long.
Want to know something I've noticed? When I'm in overeating autopilot, I hardly ever cry. Rather disturbing, and ironically sad in its own way. A giant warning sign that inside, I'm shut off. No need to cry when I'm numb...in the moment, I pretend to myself that emotionally overeating doesn't matter - that somehow, in some parallel universe, it's not real. Who am I kidding? Oh, it's real all right...I just don't want to believe it.
I get it. I get it. How do I know I've struck on something with this not-on-the-priority-list business? Because after typing this out and thinking it through a little, starting again suddenly doesn't seem so insurmountable. Finally, finally, I've sat with myself long enough to feel something and to face reality.
Getting back on the scale will be the next big step. After that, I need to (want to) get back on the treadmill, if for nothing else, to motivate me and feel physically better (something that I always "forget"). Too tired to exercise? Not exercising makes me feel more tired (something else I need to remember).
I'm sick of myself this half-alive way. Quit talking about it and just do it. Enough already. Shut up and do it.
9 comments:
I can't wait to see how you feel when you're back on track, working out, and feeling SOOOOOOO good about yourself.
Remember those moments. Then dive in.
I've never tried to think through the whys of my overeating. Yesterday I remembered my Dad buying me ice cream when I hurt myself as a child. Then I remembered I did the same thing when my daughter had a bad bike crash. Did he set a pattern that I continue? I'm not really sure.
Sounds like you're close to getting back on track. Good luck. :)
I know EXACTLY how you feel about being weary of the constant need to think, plan, and manage our eating, exercise, etc... it can get SO draining. I have been in that place, and come out of that place. You will too. You recognize where you are at, you admit it to yourself, and you will take action.
This weightloss and fitness thing has it's peaks and valleys. You may feel you are in a valley right now, but soon you will work your way back up to a peak and feel amazing.
Go be awesome! :-)
I have done the same to myself... put me at the bottom of the list. Glad you had an ah-ha moment and now things don't feel as overwhelming. I had my own ah-ha moment yesterday while blogging. Now I feel good about making the choices to get me to where I want to be. Amazing how sometimes it just clicks. Good luck!
You just have to remember how good you feel when you are being active, taking care of yourself first. It's what I'm trying to focus on right now. I'm feeling pretty much the same as you about my own body right now - but as I sit there feeling those feelings, I think about how much different it feels than when I'm feeling good about myself and that I KNOW how to get there again. I feeling no energy to get up and go but I know once I get started it will make me feel 100% better. It's taking that forward step. And then stop looking back.
Now that you are feeling better (thank goodness), you will get your groove back. Being sick is tough on a person, seems to suck all the energy right out of you!
Have a great weekend Deb!
Be kind to yourself and begin slowly. I've been going through something very similar. At least you have an illness to blame so of it on, I don't. You'll do it!!!
Glad you are feeling better. Oh to not think about food and weight. it sure gets tiring.
And, that numb. Oh the numb. Interesting realization about the crying.
Wow - you did a lot of work here! Good thing you are getting back to it now. You will be on top soon!! Just stay focused!! You can do this! I believe in you!!!
As usual you are singing my song, sister. I feel actual anxiety and near panic when I think about starting again. But I did it anyway. I planned a date and I leapt in. Of course that was just last Monday but still! :)
You can do it Debbie. I know you can. If you can run a half marathon you can do anything. ♥
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