What's New? (187lbs)

What is new in my world?

-  After years of contemplating buying a treadmill, I took the plunge and bought a used one from a neighbor here in Moscow.  Knowing that all treadmills are not created equal (I hate the rickety-feeling ones), I took a chance on a Nordictrack.  (Up to this point, I've always been lucky enough to have access to LifeFitness ones in various gyms, so switching to a different kind was unknown territory for me.)  So far, the Nordictrack has been great.  I bring my laptop into the garage and watch TV while I'm walking...now I know I should have bought a treadmill a long time ago!  Love it.

-  This upcoming school break (it starts today), I am not going to Florida.  Instead, we are going to Santa's Village in northern Finland.  Yes, in the Arctic Circle.  I'm still trying to figure out how my husband talked me into this one...there's supposedly reindeer and skiing and dogsledding.   We have a few friends who went there and loved it.  It will be a great memory for the kids... Yet, a cold vacation is not my cup of tea.  April break?  I will be going to the sun.

-  I decided to branch out on my own, having started a little cake pop business here in my little expat community.  (Ironic, I know, since I hated them the first time I made them, but now I've figured out how to make them so that they actually taste good, and not too sickly sweet.)  You may be shaking your head and saying, "Someone with an eating problem making cake pops everyday?"  Sounds like trouble, right?  However, I just don't eat them.  Any of them.  If I don't take a first bite, then I am absolutely fine - it just feels like I'm doing crafts with food all day.  It's fun!  That is the key - no tasting (by me).  "Just one bite", if unplanned, sets off a rapid-fire chemical chain reaction of cravings.  So I just don't do it and all is well.

-  At Christmas, I was very lucky...I received my first Mac computer.  It's taken a while to get used to it after using only a PC up to this point, but now I LOVE it.  There's no going back now.  Easy to use, very fast, and amazing programs...I never thought I'd be excited about a computer, but there it is.

-  In case you're wondering, I'm still using my "Internal Mother" voice to talk myself through any little bumps that come up.  So many times we've heard "Don't eat, just let yourself feel the feelings".  That's all very well, but as someone who eats to avoid my feelings, I've found that the idea of just sitting there and feeling bad was sort of scary.  Actually, a lot scary.

It never occurred to me that I could figure out a way to talk myself through it.  It may sound a little nutty, but I alternate between feeling the distressing emotions and then talking to myself in a gentle soothing way (similar to how I would talk to my own kids if they were upset or worried).   It still amazes me that I can be there for myself.  The impulses to soothe myself with food are dissipating again - receding floodwaters come to mind.  The tight grasp that food addiction has had on me is loosening, and some very old wounds are healing.

-  I'm proud to say I had my very first (albeit, very short) telephone conversation in Russian last week.  I managed to tell the water delivery driver over the phone:  a) who was calling and where I live, b) explained to him that I would pay him tomorrow, and c) asked him what time I should expect him.  And I understood what he said to me!  I never thought I'd get to this point - ha!  (By the way, we have to have big bottles of our water delivered, since you can't drink what comes out of the tap.  It's sort of like camping around here...)

The scale hasn't moved much, but I'm feeling all the wobbly bits tightening up a little.  And I have more much energy.  It's all relative.  Now that I've found the true core of my overeating, I know the weight will come off.  It will take time, and that's okay.

I feel calm.  I feel peaceful.  There's no insatiably-hungry nameless beast inside of me anymore these days, even when I work with food all day.  The giant messy snarl of food and feelings is unravelling, each part separating a little more every day.

You've heard of "The End of Overeating"?  Well, this is the beginning of the end of emotional overeating.

A-HA! (189 lbs)

So there's my current number...189.  It was higher than that during Christmas.  Just a number.  Moving on and moving down because...(drumroll)...

I have figured out something really big!


It's the biggest realization I've had through this whole process.  After years and years of being fat and unhappy, but then thin (even too thin at times)...and still unhappy, I finally get what is at the root of all of it.

(** Please note**  I have to be careful in my wording here...it involves my parents - they were probably unaware of the enormous impact their behavior had on me, and most likely, they were just carrying forth their own baggage...)

Here goes (it's sort of lengthy - this stuff is complicated, to say the least):

Basically, I've figured out how to change my inner dialogue.  At the same time, I've figured out the root cause of this bottomless hole I've been trying to fill and feed for years.  


The missing piece in this whole puzzle?  Discovering a soothing voice from within - my "Inner Mother".  


It's the key to everything for me.


The backstory:

I've never felt good enough.

I internalized this when I was a child - for as long as I can remember, I've heard myself thinking, "No one loves me" or "I want my mom" in times of emotional distress or trouble.  Time after time, I found myself looking for soothing, comfort, or unconditional love, but came up empty-handed.  As a child and teenager, those deeply-rooted needs went unmet, so I learned to turn to food.  Over time, I unwittingly started to use it as a drug to numb myself.  The lifelong cycle of yo-yo dieting ensued.

Last spring, I started thinking more and more about my "inner child" - for the first time ever.  What I unexpectedly uncovered was a lot of pain...pain that I didn't know what to do with.  I'd opened Pandora's box...the raw feelings spilled out and I had no idea how to make it all better.  The "child" inside me couldn't handle it.  My child-self tried to feel it all for a while, but then I started eating, reverting back to old habits.  I didn't know how else to take care of that little emotionally-hungry girl inside.

It's interesting to point out that countless times, right before bingeing, I've thought, "I can't handle (insert problem)...I need to eat this so I can get through this."  It never occurred to me (until now) that it's my inner child who couldn't handle it.  The higher-thinking, rational, and capable adult side of me can handle pretty much anything that comes my way.  I can say with full confidence that I take great care of my husband and kids.  Multi-tasking to make sure everything in our lives gets done - no problem.  My house is organized and clean.  I was successful in my career.  Successful (perhaps irritatingly so) at pretty much everything else BUT handling difficult emotions, food, and weight.  The one area that was waaayyyy out of control.

Quite a while ago, I bought a book called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" by Dr. Karyl McBride.  I couldn't bring myself to read it because I was afraid of how I'd feel.  I put it away, hidden in a drawer.  But a few weeks ago while I was still in Florida, feeling really bad and ready for change, I took the plunge and started reading that book.

So, what I discovered was the missing piece - my Internal Mother - making use of that reasonable, adult side of me that takes care of everyone else, to take care of me.  Using the advice in the book, I thought about how I speak to my children when they need soothing.  I thought about how much I love them, and tell them so all the time, not based on what they do or how they look (and certainly not on what they weigh!)...I just love them for being themselves.  I love them unconditionally.  I love them simply because they exist, exactly as they are.

And then...I started talking to myself like that.

I started "mothering" myself in that loving way.  When I feel upset or sad or frustrated (very critical times to reach for that Internal Mother), I sit myself down and talk to myself in my head, using a soothing, loving voice.  The old impulse to run to the refrigerator will pop up, but that's where my Internal Mother can intervene.  I think of it this way:  If my kids expressed that they were upset about something, I wouldn't just stuff them with junk food and tell them to go away and watch TV.  It sounds crazy and disconnected.  So why have I done this for decades to myself???  Nope, when my kids are upset, I sit with them, hug them, talk gently to them, reassure them, tell them that I love them, tell them I am there to lean on.  Sometimes we talk it out.  Sometimes we just snuggle.  But at no time does it occur to me to try to make them feel better with food - that would be nuts.  Yet, for a very long time, I've been doing exactly that with myself.  A complete disconnect.

The purpose of digging through all of this emotional murkiness is not to point fingers...it doesn't matter what happened in the past.  The purpose is solution-based:  now that I understand where these needs are coming from, I can slowly change from within.  It's all about being there for myself - my Internal Mother can make it all better, whenever I need her, anywhere, anytime.  I can soothe and comfort myself as much as I need.

The bottomless hole I've been trying to fill with food?  It's disappearing.  That feels like a miracle.

I know I've heard it all before, but now I get it.  The way out of this messed up relationship with feelings and food is through practicing self-love.

Now, finally,  finally! every single little bit of all this makes sense.

Where To Start? (not ready to publish these pounds - eek!)

I've started so many posts in my head, but then I get side-tracked...next thing you know, it's been a month or more since publishing anything.  Sheesh.

Might as well come right out and say it...I fell off the wagon big-time with eating, exercise, and well, with life in general.  (In fact, the wagon may have run over me.)  Part of me feels ashamed of this, and the more compassionate part of me shrugs my shoulders and says, "No one's perfect.  Sh*t happens.  I'm doing the best I can."  There have been a number of factors contributing to my downward (upward?) spiral - now that I have a handle on them, I'm ready to start - again.

Life goes on.  I'm back to eating properly, exercising, and taking better care of myself.  This is the most alive/awake/present I've felt in months and months - probably since last April or so.

There will be more to come about all of that.

Thanks for all the wonderful comments and messages inquiring where I am and if I'm okay!  It's been a bumpy road for a while, but whaddya know - I'm still here, clawing my way along.

Sometimes I might be crawling, sometimes clawing, sometimes walking, occasionally sprinting, and often taking unexpected detours....but I will never ever quit moving forward.

Doing Fine! (? lbs...but doing okay)

My lack of posting is probably killing my blog...

This is just a quick update to say I'm still just fine, maintaining my weight (maybe even losing a few pounds?), and I'm back in Florida for a while.  Yippee!!!

I promise to come back on a more regular posting basis in January.

In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.  See you in the New Year (if not before)!!!

xo Debbie

PS  I still do a lot of blog reading, but I've somehow slipped into lurker-mode for the most part.  How did that happen?

Where I've Been...(? lbs)

Where have I been?  Taking an unintended break from blogging (among others things).
Do that mean I've spun off out of control into bingeing?  Surprisingly, no!  I've been working on simply eating in an intuitive way (eat what appeals to me when hungry, without distraction, stopping when full).  So far, so good...  For example, one day last week I was in the middle of eating a protein bar, I decided I'd had enough, so I put it down, unfinished.  I went back to the wrapper about an hour later, realizing I'd left an uneaten piece in the wrapper.  I'd forgotten about the uneaten piece.  Moments like that give me hope - sometimes, even for a while, my preoccupation with food disappears effortlessly.  Small miracles.

I've taken a little break from weighing, more so just to cut myself some slack of being "on-track" or "off-track"...I'm just letting myself be.  My clothes feel somewhat looser - that is nice (not to mention, more comfortable).  Don't get me wrong...I am still staying accountable to myself.  Yet, right now, my measures of success are more in what I'm choosing to eat and how I feel.  What I'm doing feels right, and the number on the scale can't reflect all of that.

I've been treating myself well, and a large part of that has been cutting out stuff I feel I should do.  On that list?  Russian class.  Doing favors for other people who never return the favors.  Baking all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to impress people.  Overcommitting myself.  I had to simplify things and really look at what is best for me and my family...apart from that, if I don't enjoy it, out it goes.  At least for now.  Why waste my time forcing myself to do things I don't have to or want to do???
And you know...doing less of all that for a while has helped a great deal.  I'm focusing on doing things that make me feel good inside.  It's working - my outlook has improved immensely.

So what have I been doing?  Taking time to read (right now, it's "The Drama of the Gifted Child").  Lighting my favorite scented candles ("Fall Festival" from Yankee Candle...which I brought back from the US.  Yummy...)  Decorating for Christmas.  Meeting with friends for coffee.  Making crafts with my kids.  Watching old movies ("On the Waterfront", "Citizen Kane", "The French Connection").  Plain, old utterly unproductive fun stuff.  Happy stuff.

The missing link?  Exercise...I'm getting there...but I am not ready to push myself.  I am taking a break from pushing myself too far.  Nothing good comes of that after a while - not fun.
In a nutshell, I've slowed down and I'm taking time to enjoy very simple things.  Funnily enough, when I cut out all the distractions and "noise", my eating just falls into place.  It might not be Thanksgiving yet, and heck, I'm not even American, but I am definitely thankful lately.

The Cloud Has Lifted (178 lbs)

Hello there!  I'm back in Russia again, after a lovely trip to Canada (with a dip down to Florida as well).  Overall, I'd say I did quite well during the trip eating-wise...I tried my best to take advantage of the wonderful availability of fresh fruit and vegetables.  In the end, I came back weighing pretty much the same as when I left.  Yay me!

Jet lag aside, I feel SO much more like myself.  My appetite seems to be dialed down and I don't feel as gloomy as when I left.  Amazing what being in familiar surroundings will do...

I've had some thoughts about starting the 30 Day Shred again...I have a little over 30 days until I go back to Florida (for a nice long Christmas break).  So it would work out well for timing.  The nice thing about the 30DS is that it's effective but not time-consuming - and a DVD that takes less than 30 minutes?  Well, there's really no excuse for not doing it.  (Well, except jet lag, but that should be over in a day or two.  Then I will have no excuse.)

As for getting myself back on my to-do list (and putting myself high on that list of priorities), I've gained a bit of perspective now that I've been out of the daily grind of life in Russia for a couple of weeks.  I can see now that I was letting everything have the same level of priority - I was trying to do it all, and well, that just doesn't work.  Moreover, I was trying to please everyone...in theory, I know that's not possible.  Yet, I'd let myself get sucked into that people-pleasing mode again.  There's no such thing as pleasing everyone - I pay a very high price every time I try to do so.  And that's no good.

Now that I've pulled myself out of that whirlpool, I much more peaceful and in control of my life.  Taking back the reins feels good.  Now I just have to keep moving forward.  And start Shredding. 

The Simple THings (? - no scale)

Still happy...!  (Oh, how the heck can I get out of Russia?  I agreed to 5 years in total, and I'm committed to holding up my end of the deal...this is the third year...)  But let me just get this out:  It is killing me.

Moving on...the kids and I spent a lovely day yesterday just hanging out - we went to a park we used to frequent when they were much younger.  We had a long lunch at a casual breakfast-y/brunch type restaurant (Chez Cora), where we all had fun drawing on the backs of the paper placemats with crayons.  Pumpkins, witches, ghosts.  Bubble-writing.  For all the electronic gadgets my kids possess, they seemed to enjoy drawing together much more.  (And I'm no artist...but they seem to think I'm talented - I'm grateful that at 8 and 10, they're still at the ages where they think I'm good at something. Ha!)

Today we go back to the Russian consulate -gah - even in Canada, that place is very Russian.  No desire to hang out there.  At. All.

And I get my laser hair removal today - a big event in my world!  :)

Eating has been pretty good - it's pleasant to have fresh food all around.  I have indulged in a couple of non-fat Spiced Pumpkin Latte's from Starbucks - yummmy and filling.  (It figures...they've finally opened a new Starbucks around the corner from where I used to live, now that I've moved away...)

The sun is shining.  The air is clean.  I can go wherever I want without fear of being followed, stepping in globs of saliva on the sidewalk (another disgusting feature of life in Russia), or threat of wild dogs.  You know, the basics...

Life is good :)

Home Again (?lbs - no scale)

Off to the Russian consulate today in Montreal...even when I'm in Canada, I'm still going to "Russia".  Grrrrr!

I had a wonderful visit with a good friend of mine yesterday - I already feel so much more like myself.  So far, I haven't felt a need to go to Tim Hortons (donut mecca of Canada) whatsoever...that alone gives me hope.  Before returning to our hotel last night, I stopped at the grocery store and bought bananas, yogurt, popcorn, and water.  No crap (like Aero bars, Smarties, KitKats, and endless Halloween candy) - I saw it and I didn't want it.

I tried Baked Ketchup Lays chips with my Subway meal for dinner (no cookie - didn't want it)...I don't think I'll be havings those chips again.  Ew.

Nothing like being in your home country...It makes it easier for me to remember who I am.

Happy, happy, happy! 

More Questions Than Answers (175 lbs)

Sometimes I have more questions than answers.  (Okay, sometimes?  I don't have the answers most of the time! haha)  Anyway...

Here are a few questions that have been on my mind lately:
1.  How can people eat salad for breakfast?  The majority of the world doesn't eat what North Americans typically eat for breakfast: cereal and toast.  Here in Russia, breakfast often consists of salad-like ingredients:  lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes.  Cheese.  Assorted hams and smoked sausages (cold).  I can't do salad for breakfast...I just can't.  How do they do it?

2.  Where did my mojo go?  How do I get it back?  (Yes, it's essentially the whole point of my blog...but I still don't know the answers.)  Why did I fall apart a few months ago?  My leg injury - which ended my running/training - combined with delving into deeper Inner Child issues...it messed me up.  Is that what happened?  Is there such a thing as going too deep into your core issues?  I liken it to pulling a giant sleeping bag out of its tiny carrying pouch and then trying to quickly shove it all back in again...no can do.  No matter how I wrestled with it, I couldn't stuff it all back in.  No matter how hard I tried to fix it, there were ugly bits still spilling out and I didn't know what to do with them.  Feeling defeated and overwhelmed, I reverted to old habits when faced with unpleasant feelings - eating to numb myself, entering the parallel dimension of denial.
But that's behind me now.  I'm in the clean up stage.  I can feel it.  The desire to change is growing within once again.  And I always like a new project - time to re-start the Debbie project! 

3.  Is it wrong to be excited about my laser hair removal appointment next week?  I used to go to an affordable clinic in Montreal when I lived there 4 years ago - I trust them at this place.  So now that I'm finally going there again and I don't have a tan (which was the case during the summer), I can get zapped.  It's silly how excited I am about it, but also an indication how much I hate the hair that grows in all the places it shouldn't be.  (If I were rich, I'd do my whole legs and armpits.  During one of my visits, I once saw their procedure log - someone (presumably a guy) was having their back done...I can't even imagine that cost...!)

4.  Why is eating without distractions so bothersome to me again?  The thought of  just sitting down and eating whatever it is I think I want to eat while NOT watching TV, playing with my computer, or reading feels uncomfortable to me again.  Why is it that eating with distraction holds so much more appeal? Eating without distractions seems to suck the "fun" out of it...it suddenly feels like a chore (and I find myself rebelling against it, thinking, "I don't wanna").  What's that all about???

5.  Finally (if you're still with me), how to you learn to feel "good enough"?  Now that I'm an adult, is it too late?  I know it has to come from within me -  no one else can convince me of it...I wouldn't believe them anyway.  So how do I change this part of myself?  Has anyone else out there successfully made the switch to "good enough"?  

Ah, so many questions...such complicated answers...Do I necessarily need the answers to these questions (and others)?   Maybe not...maybe the hard part was just finding the courage to look inside, not knowing what might come out.  I sat. I thought. I typed. And nothing bad happened.  It makes me think I can do it again. 

******************

Tomorrow, the kids and I will fly away out of Russia for a couple of weeks...I'm optimistic that this trip back "home" will be an additional jolt to get me back to myself.  I look and feel like I've been living at the garbage dump for a while. Not good.

Time to get back on Healthy Road.  That's where my life is.

"Should'ing All Over Myself"? (175lbs)

Well, well - two days in a row of posts!  This feels like I'm getting back into my own skin again.

It's a beautiful sunny day here in Moscow...quite the opposite of the weather we've been having here lately (dark, dreary, cold, rainy, and blustery).  Sitting here in the sunshine has made me realize what a huge impact the weather has on my mood.  Even Russia has nice days sometimes - who knew?

For whatever reason, this type of day makes me feel optimistic.  A few days ago, I just couldn't seem to get out of my own way - everything seemed like an enormous mountain to climb.  Now I feel peaceful and relaxed.  It makes me wonder if my hormones are going a little too haywire these days (as in 'a constant state of PMS'?).

One thing is certain:  I am my own worst enemy.  Judgemental...critical...pressuring myself to be productive.  No one else has been harping on what I should be doing or how I should be eating...just me.  As that saying goes, I'd gotten really good at "should'ing all over myself". 

Today I don't feel any "shoulds"...it's a relief to take that pressure off myself.  The weird thing is that I didn't realize how much I'd been badgering myself to do-do-do and go-go-go until I just suddenly stopped.  How is it that I let myself get so tightly wound up about so many inconsequential tiny details?  The big picture had disappeared for quite a while...and now, quietly sitting here in the sun has brought the big picture back into focus.

Yesterday and today, I managed to get a lot of little things off my to-do lists and it feels great to just sit and blog.  No pressure...no "have-to"...I just want to for fun.  (Fun?  What's that?)

Unlike yesterday, there's no clawing today - just sitting in the sun and (dare I say it?)...purring.  (Okay, enough with the cat analogy.)

I know it sounds like I've gone completely mad.  But at least I'm happy this way.  :)